better to receive than to give…

One of the homies left me the following facebook wall message last week:

“I’d love the UBF perspective on females proposing…”

I spent the initial 4 days waiting for her to finish the ask with what the females would be proposing. But there was no follow-up.

I then asked around to finally realize she was asking me about the scenario where a female would propose marriage to her relationship co-pilot. My first reaction was something along the lines of “oh hell naw” but figured that wouldn’t make for much of a post and I’d be forced to come up with an additional topic help provide the homie with an actual perspective to her inquiry.

So I decided to actually entertain this possibility through a bit of roleplaybation (the act of role playing with one’s self). So in order to find myself in this conundrum, I’d presumably have to be in a committed relationship (wow this is going to be harder than my usual ‘bation). The relationship would probably be on the magnitude of 5+ years given that she realized my knee may never touch the ground. We wouldn’t have any children as I attempt to be the only child in any recreational dating configuration. There would be a high possibility that we lived together because my history shows that sharing a lease/mortgage is the true sign of ‘I’m not sleeping with anyone else’ commitment.

With that background, let’s play out her proposal:

+ She reaches out to my baby sister on facebook with the intentions of gaining my mother’s phone number (in this bizarro world, the girl would ask the mother for her approval of giving her son’s hand in marriage) but unfortunately my sister is on her semi-annual facebook hiatus to cleanse her virtual self of those bad influences bombarding her profile page with hater sauce. As a back up plan, she has to sneak a gander from my cell phone which proves difficult as mama dukes isn’t actually saved as mama dukes and she can’t remember her government. As a last resort, she reaches out to pops who luckily uses facebook to follow his son’s blog life via status updates and drunken pictures. He’s able to connect her with the needed information but not before asking about one of her friends in her profile picture.

+ Now that she has the familial approval, she’s off to acquire the appropriate hardware to make the offer official. The first hurdle here being that she has no idea what my ring size could be. Unfortunately Nike and Banana Republic haven’t gotten into the bling game so my closet is useless. No worries though as she’ll just estimate big and have it resized later. The next hurdle is engagement rings only come in the female variety so the guy at Jared’s is a little perplexed on how to actually help her. But she fakes it until she makes it out with the manliest engagement ring to ever be acquired.

+ She’s now ready to set up the most romantical evening since lady and the tramp carb-loaded. The catch now is my idea of romantic involves less rose petals and moet rose and more sportscenter and blue moon. Not quite how she wanted to kick off this happily ever after bid.

+ But let’s say no games were on that night and her plan goes into action. The act of going to her knee(s) doesn’t quite prepare me for a question let alone that question. So after I buckle my belt back, I consider the proposition and answer with a firm ‘sure’.

+ We then go to our respective social mediums to inform the masses and stalkers of our news. My status: “I guess I’m getting married.” Her status: “He said yes. We are getting married.” I’ll let you consider the accompanying comments from our social graph.

Obviously I could go on through the awkwardness of the engagement period that finds me wearing a band but having to explain to everyone I’m not married yet but I’m pretty sure the picture has been painted on this one. I also skipped over the Law & Order: SVU worthy emasculation that took place in this scenario for the sake of brevity but you can imagine those implications on your own time.

All of that to say ladies, the only thing you should consider proposing is a break-up if you find yourself in this situation.

onetrik…I do…not…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

7 Responses to better to receive than to give…

  1. Sounynona says:

    This is a laugh out loudly. Great advice for the ladies. I wonder if it could be worth researching if they are willing to stay on at least one knee a little longer

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention better to receive than to give… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

  3. tolu says:

    Ok, so I assume that means “no, a woman shouldn’t propose to a guy.”

    Got it.

    Sooooooo…why not?

  4. Pops says:

    Her friend looked better in the profile picture than in person…………….

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