for my single ladies…

It’s not you. It’s them. And that’s not a bad thing.  I’m not a relationship expert. I don’t have a PHd or a masters on the subject. But I have dated a hell of a lot of men. I won’t say how many just in case my Dad decides to read this. But I will say I’ve dated enough to know a few things about a few things.  I’ve dated everyone from Russian to Dominican- I consider myself a connoisseur. There isn’t an attractive man I haven’t considered on some level before. Obviously as I have matured, so has my taste in men, but my point is- I’ve been there, done that, have the t-shirts.  I love men. Always have. Always will. I’m not bitter about that. There is something fantastic about many parts of them- if not the total package.

Men don’t sit around reading self help books to figure out why they are single. They don’t go to therapy to fix their inner demons after a bad breakup. They don’t chop off all their hair or dye it blonde- there is no extreme makeover. They dust their asses off and live to date another day. And yet, as females, we are expected to have all of these “self reflective” moments.  Each failed relationship results in a post mortem of “what went wrong” and how we “could have done it differently”.  Why do we beat ourselves up so much about Who We Are?

My father once told me that I should try not saying “so much”. I have a nack for my candor. That can be a turn off in some circles. (Too bad I don’t care.) But then as soon as he made the suggestion, he retracted it. “You know what? Scratch that. Because you can’t suppress yourself forever. The real you is bound to show up at some point. And then what?” And you know what? He had a really good point.

You are you. Try as you might to re-train yourself to become some one you aren’t, you will still be you. Granted, self reflection is an important part of growth. Knowing your strengths, weaknesses, faults and even “inner crazy” is extremely necessary to being successful in your relationships. But changing yourself to be the person he will love is simply not an option. The real you is bound to show up eventually. And then you will resent the hell out of the person who breaks your heart because he didn’t like who you were trying to be- because he never knew who you really were to begin with.

That niggling feeling you have in the back of your head when you first start dating some one that says “something isn’t right”- that’s your instincts. Those little red flags early on that make you feel queezy or anxious or perturbed- those are the warning signs.  The days where you have simply had enough and you tell him so are authentic- don’t let him change your mind. You were right the first time. The fact is, some people meet “Mr. Right” in high school. Others never meet him at all.  That’s not pessimism. That’s reality.  But that isn’t a statement to make you lose hope. The most important thing you can be in life is true to yourself. Embrace your inner demons and be honest about them. Don’t hide from who you are. Self improvement is wonderful, but self love has to happen first. Every time love crushes you under it’s boot heal, stop asking yourself “What’s wrong with me?” and start thinking about what was wrong with HIM. He Wasn’t The Guy for YOU. He maybe the guy for some one, but he wasn’t for you.

The truth is- some men don’t know US very well. Or at the very least they give an Oscar worthy performance of pretending not to. We don’t actually “act nuts” for absolutely no reason at all. He’s almost always earned it. We sometimes avoid the calls of crazy men- there are actually more of them than us. We will occasionally stand a guy up. It’s nice to give him a taste of his own medicine. Many of us really do enjoy being single. Not every female dreams of some silly white dress (mine will be pearl- I’d hate to get struck down by lightening on my wedding day). We aren’t the only ones who get dumped. Personally, I haven’t been dumped in years. (P.S. Being the Dumper still sucks. Who knew?) And when we do, we don’t necessarily run to the therapist’s couch. There are other couches to be found ;) This is not a self help article. This is my love letter to single ladies. An homage for all of you who have thought that maybe something is wrong with you because there isn’t. It is not you, It’s them. Don’t ever let anyone make you question who you are or what you stand for. There is some one for everyone. Remember that. Keep loving yourself and the rest will follow. I promise.


That Chic, Lolita


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to for my single ladies…

  1. Marcie says:


    Once again Lolita, I believe we may be leading a semblance of the same life….as I always say to people, there is no shortage of men…available men….great men…marriage material men…and I seem to meet many of them…they’re not perfect, but neither am I. At the end of the day (or the end of our dating), their biggest flaw is that they aren’t perfect for me (or me for them, for that matter)….

    When that happens, all I can do (or any woman should do) is take a few moments to “unpack her bags” to make sure she has the right clothes and accessories for the next journey; nothing worse than having Uggs for a trip to the Caribbean. ;)

    Until all these pieces fall into place…I’ll be enjoying life, meeting people and gauging if you can love and accept (the real) me for me.


    • Lolita says:

      Go you! I definitely realized over time the difference between Mr. Right & Mr. Right now. One of my girlfriend’s once told me “You know it’s ok to pass the time with some one sometimes…just know the expiration date”. I’ve definitely done this- it’s fun to date and some guys are good for a specific time. I knew Mr. Right when I saw him. And I’m glad that I took my time before getting that glimpse…because it definitely makes the knowledge more difinitive. In the meantime, Always keep your options open, never put all your eggs in one basket and know that men really are like buses. Right behind the one you got off because it was too crowded is another one with a seat just for you :)

  2. As half of female Black America runs to drop $26.99 for the next Steve Harvey book (hardcover), they could save the money and read this. The problem is, would they ever take your words and act upon them?

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