the ghost of relationships past…

i was sitting and sipping with one of the homies recently as they lamented to me on the ills of these single streets…she described a few of her prospects then systematically shot them down for errors that had yet to occur…she had found a way to remain single forever lump everyone she’s met into 3 categories that were defined by her 3 previous failed relationships…basically, whichever ex the new guy most resembled (and i use that term very loosely) is how they got labeled…this label helped to pre-define how any relationship with that person would most likely end…now i don’t want to call this a dumb approach but my digital thesaurus is on the fritz…so yeah…we’ll just stick with dumb for now…

although i found her approach to be light weight ridiculous, i do know that she’s not the only one that is allowing the crayons of love lost to color in the blank outlines of their new possibilities… and i, for one will not stand for it…so i’ve concocted this quick and simple list of reasons why you should let the new mate possibilities define themselves…

– not to go all salty teen daughter on you but, it’s just not fair…should the portland trailblazers have just passed on greg oden and taken kevin durant in the 2007 nba draft just because of the issues they had with sam bowie back in 1984 when they chose him over michael jordan…wait…you’re right…that is a horrible example…but my point here is simply it’s just not fair to hold the new person responsible for anything he didn’t play an active role in…

– the second, less obvious issue is that now you’ll  be missing out on the new mates real problems…while you’re sitting their scrutinizing how much they hit the bottle because your last mate could only sleep with you when they were intoxicated had a drinking problem, you’re completely missing them snorting heroin off the back of the back of a stolen shetland pony…which means you’ve traded in an effective drinker for someone who probably has ingested more than their fair share of pony lice…you’ll never be able to get those out of your sheets…point being…everyone is going to have some issues, just make sure they are actually earning the issues they’re getting assigned…yeah…i know, the reference is obscure, but i just realized i had never used a pony in an analogy before…

– on a more positive note, you’re also missing out on what might actually be right with them…i know this is the one you’re least prone to grasp but i hoped that the previous 2 would provide you the proper build up…the dating pool is massive and i have on good authority that everyone in it is not damaged beyond repair…but if you go in only looking for bad things, they will undoubtedly turn up…even beyonce and g clooney have  dirty pairs of undies buried somewhere in their respective hampers…and i’m sure they’ll be on ebay tomorrow so i’ve been saving up…

– finally don’t be stupid…if they’re both over 30, unemployed and only like doing it from the waay back…you should stop picking up your dates from the so and so correctional facility’s adopt an inmate day…

now i felt like those may’ve been 4 of the most thorough pseudo paragraphs to ever be bulleted but there is always the possibility that i should’ve added one more…what did i miss ubf fam…

elrock…don’t worry…i post all my issues here for simplicity…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to the ghost of relationships past…

  1. The D.E.F.I. says:

    If I give you her e-mail address, could you or onetrik send this to my ex? You pretty much just explained why she’s “The Ex”. Just saying…

  2. Marcie says:

    D.E.F.I. … OUCH!

    I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt…you’re probably 95% correct about your ex. However, I’d be willing to bet (in hindsight) that there are things you might have said/done to decrease that percentage of accuracy and have a healthy. long(er) lasting relationship instead…if that’s what you actually wanted.

    Then again, WTH do I know?

    even some 2-way streets have dead-ends.

    • The D.E.F.I. says:

      She dated her previous boyfriend for 4 years, and then found out that he’d basically been cheating on her the entire time. So if I so much as breathed the same air as another woman, I was accused of trying to cheat. I forced an introduction between my boy & a bartender that he’d been drooling over one night, and then when I mentioned it on my site, my Ex accused me of trying to get that bartender’s phone number. I know this is all one side of the story, but trust, Marcie…if you were to hear hers, it wouldn’t be too different. lol.

      But this is all in the past, so…no worries. Just thought it was the real life illustration of the point elrock was trying to make.

  3. Pingback: bags fly free… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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