before we get started…

Relationships are hard. That’s not what they tell you on the commercials or those sappy love stories in the movies (with the exception of Lifetime movies, which give the impression that most relationships will actually end in an untimely death for one or both of you). But I’m here to tell you the truth: While the good outweighs the bad, the combining of two lives does not happen without a few speed bumps.

I often tell my QB that if we were both 19 years old, this would be a heck of a lot easier. But we aren’t. We all grow’d up. There is no room for change- we are who we are. We will not “Grow together”. We will learn to put up with each other’s less desirable characteristics. That said, why must we wait until World War IV an argument ensues before trying to iron out some of the bigger issues. Wouldn’t it be easier if our mates, potential mates and future partners knew the things that pissed us off BEFORE we got….well pissed off?

I think so. In that spirit, I came up with a list of things that I absolutely hate in no particular order or correlation to share with my QB, just in case he’s interested ;)

  • 1-ply tissue – Any explanation is TMI so just know that I hate it and govern yourself accordingly.
  • Public Bathrooms – I made it to Hong Kong without using the dreaded airplane commode. That’s 16  hours. Armed with a massive hangover, strep throat & two valium, I can’t even remember the trip. Now that’s dedication.
  • Disappearing acts – Whether it’s an ignored series of texts, phone calls sent straight to voicemail or just a couple days of MIA status, know that when you re-emerge there will be hell to pay. While some women need time to “calm down”, I don’t. Time heals no wounds for me. As a matter of fact, as time passes, I dream up more reasons to be ticked off and less reasons to talk to you at all. By the time you re-emerge, I’ve either forgotten about you completely or you will wish that I had.
  • Men who Diet like girls – Listening to a man b*tch and moan wax prophetic about the latest cleanse or weird New P90xy&z workout is just as much fun as hearing my girls do it. The difference: I expect that from them. We have estrogen & cellulite and breasts…i.e. more body fat. But I do not care to hear about it from the sex with a MUCH faster metabolism. If I can keep it off, so can you, so please stop whining. I’m not really interested…
  • Beds with only 2 pillows – This ruins so many things for me. I won’t go into why, but one for you and one for me is not equitable in Lolita’s bed logic when it comes to pillows.
  • Pretty Boys  – I’ve dated this guy before and it’s really like dating a woman. Which would be fantastic if I were gay. He spends more time on his hair, nails and skin products than I do. He thinks I should feel lucky to be with someone so handsome. What he doesn’t realize is that every time I look at him I am not flattered, I am annoyed that his hair looks better than mine.
  • Cheapskates –There is nothing worse than listening to a man complain about the cost of doing business living comfortably 24/7. Not only is it boring, but it’s a turn off. As a general rule: If you cannot afford something, just don’t do it. Then you will have nothing to b*tch complain about.
  • Slow Talkers – Just spit the sh*t out. Thanks in advance. I have no patience.
  • Being kept waiting – I have no patience.
  • Neat freaks – I’m actually pretty neat, so if I missed a spot and you don’t like it, clean it yourself.  There! One less argument J
  • That grey, use-to-be-black shadow in your bathtub – Is this a rite of passage for all single adult men? What IS that? Did you dye a polar bear black in your bathtub? WTF happened? I’ve seen this too many times for it to be an anomaly. Can someone please shed some light?
  • Washing dishes – I’ll cook you a meal like you have never had before. Three courses. Dessert. So as a reward for all my hard work, is it unreasonable to expect someone else to wash the dishes? Please?
  • Football, Basketball, UFC, Pay Per View Fights, or even Derek Jeter Baseball three days in a row- I really did start singing the theme song to that old Kit Kat commercial on Day 2, but on Day 3, I am all sportied out. I’m not the girl that pretends to be invested in sports for her man. I like sports. But I don’t love them like you do. On day 3, I’m feelin’ like Amistad. Give Us Free! I don’t bombard you with chic flicks 3 days a week. Be considerate. Thanks in advance.
  • Mr. Missionary – Yeah…I said it. Boring sexy times are more dreadful than none at all.  Most of the time Sometimes you want to be part of Keri Hilson’s “The Way you love me” song & video instead of any of Taylor Swift’s. Sure Taylor is sweet. But Keri keeps the boys out of the street. We expect you to do the same for us.

There you have it folks. My general list of things I’m not too fond of.  What about you, fellow readers at UBF- what are your ‘Hates’? Do you share them in advance or wait until there is a reason to? Might you start presenting your list earlier the next time around now that you are knee deep in sh*t relationship land?

Hated it.



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

11 Responses to before we get started…

  1. Tina says:

    Ha. Wouldn’t call them hates, but deal-breakers. Much bigger issues, and usually don’t have to list, just listen. I found the one time I listed them explicitly it was because of my own negative expectations.

    Hmmm… I might do a blog on my own list? :-P

    • Lolita says:

      LOL oh girl you know the sad part? My deal breaker list only has a few of these on there hahaha! I’m a mess! I actually was going to write a blog on Deal Breakers…then I thought ‘Did I do that already?’…So I scrapped it. So please do one! I want to see lol.

  2. LOL! I have to do a blog on this one! I just did one on facebook. I would love to see one from you on that (unless I missed it before I started reading).

    • Lolita says:

      Again – I really do want to see what everyone else hates. Deal breakers, dislikes, whatever yall call them. I’m sure my list makes me look a lil crazy but it is what it is. Cheap tissue is wack lol. I have to check and see if I did a Deal Breaker. I thought I did, but maybe I just thought about it…

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  4. zam says:

    Lolita! I love your list. I know exactly what you mean…any and all relationships are hard and for some reason, folks just don’t want to talk about it. But you’re 100% right; if we had a list of our partner’s dislikes before we really ugh, got it in, I think we’d have the chance to make an educated decision on whether we could stomach the other’s list. If you know right off the bat you can’t, then you won’t or you shouldn’t…well, you shouldn’t make it more than an in and out affair. But I’m taking it in an entirely different direction now. xo

  5. zam says:

    BC you asked here’s my list:
    – Dead-in jobs; I have a financial plan and goal, I need you to have one too. I like nice things, you don’t have to pay for everything but you should have the means to maintain a certain lifestyle if you so choose, and I hope they choose
    – Smackers; if you smack on your gum, your food, slurp your coffee…I’m out faster than speedy gonzales
    – Any man that expects his lady to do all the so-called ‘woman work’….don’t you dare try to do MY laundry but feel free to cook a meal, wash the dishes, sweep/dust. I welcome it and reward it!
    – Ignorance; if you refuse to keep an open mind and/or voice ignorant comments on several occasions
    – If you can’t hold an educated conversation…you don’t need to know all the current affairs and stock exchange but you should know how to carry an adult conversation with my friends, colleagues, even strangers
    – Baggy clothes; don’t get me wrong your bball shorts can be baggy or your sweatpants, in fact they better be or I’ll give you some serious side-eye but if you are not heading to the gym nothing should be oversized and baggy but they better not be too tight either. Find the happy medium.
    – Lack of creativity in the bedroom, enough said
    – Unkept, I think men have it pretty easy in the grooming section so there is no reason for you to look dirty, period
    – Crazy/unkept oral hygiene. You don’t have to have brace-straight teeth. I don’t mind a few out of place here and there but if it looks like you haven’t been to the dentist in years. Stop, do not pass Go! Do not collect $200. Game over
    That’s good for now!

    • Lolita says:

      HAHAHAHA HILARIOUS! Thank you for providing this wonderful list- actually I see a few o f my deal breakers on there. I often cringe at reading my blog to my QB as I never want him to take it too personally, but when he read this he was like OUCH! Like 3 of those are me (Sports, Dishes, Pillows) LOL. It is what it is- I find that some things require adjusting, but other things do not. As I have (Slowly) matured, I have realized that not being intransient is not the equivalent of settling. All relationships require some level of compromise, otherwise you would be dating yourself. But it doesnt mean some things don’t really piss me off! LOL. Thanks again for the list. LOVE IT!

  6. Kreme says:

    This was too funny…I can’t stop laughing. What’s wrong with 1-ply tissue and two pillows…hahaha
    Anyway I have some deal breakers and they are as follows:

    -Bad teeth and bad breath- get it together. You have health insurance, use it. Go to the dentist every six months like the doctor ordered.

    -Skinny Jeans- really fellas. Why are your jeans tighter than mine? Who said it was cool to wear a pair of jeans that are two sizes too small and then wear them hanging off your ass with a belt to keep them up. You look like you can’t walk straight. Grown men do not wear skinny jeans. Their knots are too thick!!

    Well those two are the major ones.

    • Lolita says:

      HAHAHAHAHA you know it seems the bad teeth/bad breath combo might be deserving of it’s own blog pretty soon. Skinny Jeans- ugh the ultimate failure. I’ve never understood that- since when did men like tight clothes? Why do you want to experience the discomfort we experience daily of having to dance into our jeans? And how is that working out for you given the extra hardware you are carrying up front. Does the dance ever become lethal to your front space goodies? I’m just wondering!??!?

  7. Ifyoureallyknewme says:

    Numero Uno – Justifying your hater-ass friend’s behavior. Just because you’ve been rollin’ deep since you were 19, does not mean their behavior is 100% excusable.
    – Followers – you gotta call/text/email 50 friends to see what’s on for tonight!?! How about I stay home and watch TLC like I want to do anyway.
    -Dirty hat & wrinkled shirt dudes..Don’t know how to shave/ iron a shirt/ wear matching socks.?. Should have worked that out by age 24, we can’t be friends
    -Mr. Poker face- Life is not a game, put your cards on the table so we can work this out. Thanks

    That’s my short list cuz LAWD knows, I could go on and on and on and on and on…..!!!!

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