this just in…

so every morning when i wake, i whisper good morning to the ladies…because i’ve convinced myself that only female pillows can be that soft…don’t judge me…next i reach over to grab my trusty iphone from the safe…i tap my usbottlesandfriends.com shortcut to unwrap the package of truth and hilarity that has been left for me by onetrik or lolita under the ubf tree…i then jump over to cnn to see what the other 301,019,361 people in america are deeming newsworthy that morning…i assumed the cnn app was broken yesterday when i encountered a story about a rap beef brewing between lil kim and nicki minaj…aka the has been queen bee and the wish never was new bee…this lead me to a few morning time conclusions…1) i need a lady friend that actually stays the night so i wouldn’t have to reach for my own phone and 2)even the 24 hr news source is running out of real news…now that the flood gates are open, i decided to fulfill my quota for ill-conceived news headlines as well…so here are a few other things that could be deemed news worthy that really aren’t…

news station mistaken about rap beef…because real rap beefs can only occur between two relevant artists…i’m still looking at you kim and nicki…can you ladies please engage in a quick round of “rock paper silicone” to determine which one of you will reserve the right to speak in public…or even better…jump in a bath tub and play cops and robbers with some hair dryers…oh…and i actually have a special sifter filled with aged stfu for you mc hammer…

music man masters mind control…whether it’s cupid and his shuffle or electric and his…uhh…slide…if the song has built in instructions, we can’t seem to stop ourselves…we hate people telling us what to do…that is, until you do it to a beat…that being said, i will be releasing my new track entitled “now back it up” next week…the only instruction will be “back it up”…and it will only last about 1 minute and 48 seconds, which should be just enough time to clear the room of any habitual cha-cha’ers…the next track will be “if you’re fine and you’re still in here, come sit on an old man’s lap”…this one will not work as well for obvious reasons…

department stores looking to implement “don’t ask don’t sell”…attention gay Americans…actually not all of you…just the ones that insist on wearing …just because you’re gay doesn’t mean that you can now put on any combination of women’s clothing and be “fabulous”…some stitching just wasn’t designed to side step your hoo-hoo…no matter how many times you fold it…and if your mate only likes you while you’re wearing women’s clothing, he might be on the up-high…or whatever the opposite of down-low is…

man wakes up still fat after mistaking shake weight for an actual gym membership…if it requires a 30 minute infomercial, to explain the concept or to convince you to make the purchase, you either don’t need it or won’t really use it…

ahh…now don’t you feel oddly over informed…

elrock…the #1 trusted source for stuff i make up…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

One Response to this just in…

  1. tolu says:

    rotflmao @ “some stitching just wasn’t designed to side step your hoo-hoo…”

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