that girl we love to hate…

Hello you groupie. Yeah, I said it. I’ve already posted about my love of myself the gold digger, but let’s talk about the groupie. If gold digger’s are high class escorts, groupies are street corner hookers. Same job, grimier M/O.  Just in case you are confused by the definition of a groupie vs. a gold digger, I will break down the basic constructs.

Gold diggers often actually have something going for them. They just want your piece of the pie too. Some of my favorite Gold diggers are Beyonce, Nicole Murphy, Amber Rose and even Tracy Edmonds. What do all of these women have in common? Now that they have their own money (even the ones who obtained it via the California gold rush, i.e. Hollywood gold digging), they still make sure to reap the benefits of their significant other wherever possible. Jay-z wouldn’t have stood a chance if he wasn’t, well Jay-z.  And honestly?  A woman of her caliber has earned her right to dig for the best looking gold in town. Anything less is a downgrade.

The difference between a gold digger and a groupie: With a groupie, all of the pretense is gone. There is no wining, no dining, no contrived dates, no falling in love with his lifestyle. Gold digging takes planning, finesse, dare I say even a semblance of class. Groupies just stand around the VIP section, backstage or bottle service trying to get in where they can fit in. A good night for a gold digger ends in a tennis bracelet and sexy times on high thread count king sized bedding and conception. For a groupie, a good night usually entails some head pushing. Pun intended.

I’ve always marveled at how much both men and women claim to despise groupies. For any man that has actually ever been with a groupie- you know they serve their purpose. I understand you have to pretend that you don’t so that one day you can settle down with a non groupie. Your secret was safe with me until today. For the ladies that shake their heads at groupies at the club: I ponder- if you don’t want to be them, then why hate them? The level of disrespect they put themselves through is more saddening than hate-worthy. The only reason I can see to truly hate a groupie is that she’s stealing your shine. She’s squeezing you out of the table. She’s robbing you of the attention for the night because she’s guaranteed- you are probably just a dick tease. So if you aren’t a closet groupie, why so threatened?

The good news is- I’ve been friends with all sorts of groupies. Gold diggers turned Groupies. Groupies turned Gold diggers. Groupies that will always be Groupies. Engaged Groupies. Even Married Groupies. I’ve learned that there is much to love about them. So ladies- I will pass on some little known facts on why the Groupie is not just man’s best friend and his version of “old faithful”, but can be yours too.

  • “Girls don’t like me”. No matter what kind of woman you are, you have heard this from another woman. Or even have said it yourself. Well, for a groupie- take that statement, multiply it by 500 and you still aren’t even scratching the surface. That’s where you come in. So long as your man isn’t rich or powerful, groupies are loyal friends. Like a dog rescued from the shelter, they are so grateful that you are willing to overlook their groupie status, you will have a friend for life as long as you keep her away from your man.
  • She can get in ANYWHERE. Once upon a time there were many things I would see on tv or exclusive parties that would be posted on celebrity blogs and I wondered , “Who gets invited to these things?”  Insert Groupie friend. Turns out, she doesn’t get invited either, but that dude she is doing late night unsexy face to hip bone smashing with does. And since she doesn’t have any friends, guess who she asks to go with her?
  • There isn’t a table she can’t infiltrate. Once you get into the scenario above, there are times when you want to sit down. I’m not a huge fan of stealing other people’s drinks, but if you are into that sort of thing- this scenario benefits you as well. Because she knows at least one guy at every VIP table in the building, late night socializing doesn’t have to be so painful. Now you can flitter like a butterfly from table to table resting your feet and getting wasted in the process.
  • She’s always got a good story. Hey I admit it- sometimes my life is just not that interesting. And while I very much appreciate that my day to day doesn’t resemble an epi of All my Children, The Game or Eastbound and Down Entourage, every now and then these stories are entertaining.

All jokes aside, when you live in a city as big as New York, unmarried women who socialize such as myself will run into those perpetually single “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” types we lovingly refer to as the Groupie. I’m not really suggesting you become this unfortunate person’s best friend. But try to look on the bright side. It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s gotta do it, right?

Don’t hate the player, hate the game. Show some Groupie Love…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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