one poor man’s dreams…

as a financially challenged student, i’ve come to realize that the poorer you are, the more time you have to spend sitting around thinking about kelly washington what you would do if you had money…of course the answer is always buy more chick-fil-a because it is friggin delicious…over the weekend i was watching this special on folks who had won the lottery and left poor-ville on a round trip ticket…one story about a guy addicted to hookers reminded me of my time in amsterdam really stood out to me…his justification: “at least with prostitutes, you know for sure the money is all they wanted”…well $600k later, he was back in the trailer park “playing his own atari”…i’m not really into hookers, but this made me wonder…am i spending too much on thai massages performed by trained professionals who are nothing like hookers at all what services would i spend paper on if given the option…here is the list my sober mind came up with…

– a fitted sheet folder…i’ve been folding my own sheets now for over 20 years…my parents gave our made the life off…after acquiring an engineering degree and and making several hundred attempts, i have never been able to find a way to have that fitted sheet not look like a tight wad of clothy disappointment…

– my “tell people i don’t know to shut up” guy…have you ever been sitting on a plane preparing for that pre-flight nap when it’s preempted by some loud mouth that thinks everyone between rows 17 and 29 wants to hear how much fun he had in myrtle beach this weekend…my shut up guy would confiscate that phone and send it to wherever the lost luggage goes…he’d also be at most post game interviews and i should probably get him over to cam newton’s dad right about now too…

– the club scout…this is like a cub scout but entirely different…you ever roll up to a night spot where you can’t really tell whether or not it’s worth the price of admission…you know your boys won’t work because any one of you would just roll through scoop 4 numbers and come back and say it was lame inside…the club scout would just take everyone’s requirements and make a fair and balanced assessment…

– an unwanted advance rejecter…this person would just walk behind me in the club and anytime someone outside of my perspective dating pool reached out to grab my seat cushion (you’d be surprised…no alarmed to find out how often this happens to me) they would set their hand on fire…not a regular fire though…i want it to look like a big sparkler…i’d probably have to pay extra for that…

– a pre-dater…i know i’m not the only one who has ever been out on a date with someone that i thought was cool, only to realize 3 bites into my caesar salad that i was about to be in for one long painful evening…well the pre-dater does the first 2 dates for you and comes back to let you know if the relationship should proceed…which leaves me more time with my masseuse nba2k11…and all would be right with the world…

now ubf fam…i’m passing this imaginary check on to you…how would you adding to your life staff…

elrock…fixing unemployment one job at a time…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to one poor man’s dreams…

  1. Carver The Great says:

    ahhh so i’m not the only engineer/writer that’s addicted to 2k11…salude!

    i definitely cosign the club-scout idea, i’ve even done this myself…of course i make the crew pay my admission, and i’m guilty of scoopin numbers and reporting it was lame haha

    btw, i’m headed to amsterdam next week, any recommendations? sidebar of course…

  2. Lynne says:

    A Door Man – I don’t think I need to explain this at all. But please pay no mind to the fact that I reside in a single family home in Oakland.

    Bicker Breaker Upper – Every time my offspring start to go at it over who looked at who and why and when and how….the bicker breaker upper would separate them.
    …and make me a drink.

    Makeup Remover – After a night out I could just kick off my heels, peel off the Spanx and hit the sack. At some point between getting in the bed and falling asleep my makeup will be removed, skin cleansed and pores tightened. YEY! No more waking up looking like a hung-over $2 crack whore!

    Dental Hygienist – Because of my obsession with clean teeth this would be a MUST. It works just like the Makeup Remover BUT every night!!!! Complete with sharp metal tools, mini high powered water spigot, slobber vacuum, the thinnest most painful floss ever, tooth polisher and paper bibs. DOESN’T THAT SOUND AWSOME?!?!?!?

    And most importantly Dolores Claiborne. However, I would pay MUCH better than Vera.

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  4. MtDewDude says:

    A dog genie…A person who let’s you use the dog to get zee ladies but won’t interrupt you like a dog would. He/she would take the dog for a walk while lather on some smooth talking like “what did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Wait a sec, it is going to take a minute to get hard because I just got laid by that chick.” the dog genie will also be there to clean the drool from the jowls of the pooch.

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