too sexy for your shirt…and me…

We at ubf sometimes take the less than popular stance on today’s most pressing issues for shits and giggles because someone has to speak up for the underdog. Well today is no different as I’m going to tell you ladies why you might just be too sexy for this gentleman. My apologies Rosa A. for getting you all worked up…

Before we get to the conjecture, I’m not here to say that one man’s view of sexy is the same as the next. Some of you may enjoy a fine lower back tattoo or greased down baby hair. I’m not here to judge (today). However for the sake of argument, we are going to classify too sexy as anything that takes a fellow’s thoughts of a woman from “I hope she doesn’t have a boyfriend” to “I hope I still have that condom in the glove department.”

Please make note that I’m referencing too…as in an excess…which does not equate to lack of…my apologies if a few hopes were raised falsely.

Now with that out of the way, the mere thought of a male saying the words ‘too’ and ‘sexy’ may not go together is probably a bit confusing. Now I’m not afraid to admit that I’ve dated a girl or two that fell into the too sexy category. The flesh is weak and stuff. But at a point in the interactions with said female, you realize that she is in fact too sexy for the good of extended interactions. My realization came in the unlikeliest of places: the strip club. While most men over the age of your first ejaculation young adulthood dream of meeting a nice young lady that enjoys making it rain on another young lady working her way through college, I must say the actual experience becomes less than ideal when you find yourself a spectator vs. the player you thought you’d be because you brought the too sexy girl.

If that tale didn’t prove my point, try on the following additional five problems that come with that excess of sexy:

+ As mentioned in my definition of too sexy, your excess will lead all of my natural thoughts to how fast I can get you home. Now this isn’t a problem if you are cool with a toot it and boot it situation, but you can place all blame on your excess for the lack of Chili’s 2 for $20 goodness in your future. Now before you go down the path of how good your milkshake is and how it will keep me coming back, let me also inform you that on the post-coitous need list you fall some where in the mid to late teens behind favorites such as sleep, food, sportscenter, videogames and texting the girl without excess.

+ Your excess is too much of a wild card. While your effective use of excess and cunning lack of draws sharing nabbed me beyond that first night, I’m afraid to say I’m still not comfortable running 5s with you yet (aka this will remain 1 on 1). While I originally thought you didn’t like to wear under garments because of the easy access they bunch, I’m now realizing that you actually can’t fit them on under your painted on wardrobe. Seriously your clothes have to be of the one time use variety because I don’t see how you get them off without the aid of scissors. And because of this, I will not be bringing you around the family or the homies.

+ Your excess isn’t worth the incremental health insurance. So you have a few work outfits to throw on for church and dinner at mama dukes, but the freak’ em dresses continue to bring unwanted advances aka direct violations of my standing here holding your private parts which too frequently causes me to know my blue cross number by heart. I mean even Manny Pacquiao only fights every six months and it is his job.

+ Your excess has an expiration date. While your excess will most likely be lovely through your late 30s (we both are crossing our fingers), you will either need some work done or to start purchasing more age appropriate clothing at some point. Your call. You know the correct answer if you made it this far…don’t you? Besides they aren’t my rules but the PTA keeps calling with complaints and junior keeps asking me what a MILF is. At that point, we both hope you have excess somewhere else than the seat of your pants because…

+ Lastly, your excess is not unique. While I may be biased out here in the land of milk and fake honeys (credit lolita), no matter how nice your T or A, there will always be another female around the corner with just as good if not better manufactured parts excess.

But that is only one man’s take so go forth making your own decisions on that excess sexy as honestly I’ll probably do it again myself because I’m not a quitter.

Speaking of which, are any of those too sexy ubf readers willing to challenge my point (see what I did there).

onetrik…shopping for costco quantities isn’t always a good idea…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

11 Responses to too sexy for your shirt…and me…

  1. Monique says:

    I honestly had no idea that some men felt this way.
    I recently went on a date and the gentleman brought up this topic. He mentioned how men don’t usually marry the girl with excess. I have to admit… I was a little shocked! I just had this dumb illusion that most if not all men wanted to be with that girl w/ excess! He then explained why and he mentioned the same points you did.
    I tell you… I learn something new every day! Keep the information coming, b/c I’m trying to soak up all this knowledge!!

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention too sexy for your shirt…and me… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

  3. morningjoi says:

    Shout-out to Foxx’s booty girl at Drai’s, especially on point #2!

  4. The D.E.F.I. says:

    You know, my boy E and I used to have this debate back in the day. He was of the same mind as you, while I say that there isn’t a such thing as “Too sexy” or “too pretty”. I say that no matter how good a woman looks, she has to have her mind right. There are moderately attractive women who cheat and dress scandalously, just like there are “too sexy” chicks that don’t. Each of the situations you listed are cured by a chick having some sense in her head.

    Now FINDING that? Well….

    • Agreed. I didn’t want our good sisters running around here thinking these chics dressed half nekkid showing their excess (even the moderately attractive ones) and getting ridiculous amounts of “attention” were actually in a position of advantage. While I appreciate their contributions to the world of music videos and men’s magazines, I don’t see them contributing to my family tree…

  5. AustynEllese says:

    “we are going to classify too sexy as anything that takes a fellow’s thoughts of a woman from ‘I hope she doesn’t have a boyfriend’ to ‘I hope I still have that condom in the glove department.'”

    …is there a universal and/or quantifiable standard for this particular variable?! If so, I may be willing to cosign on everything said…(and I’m usually not that agreeable… but you’ve been a bit of a roll lately, yo…)

    • by the fact that you are asking this question, you are not in excess…those in excess don’t quite understand the concept of excess…

      • AustynEllese says:

        no no… I’m not questioning the concept of excess… I’m trying to pinpoint… or perhaps trying to narrow down the trigger that gets engaged when a man goes from thoughts of being interesting in getting to know a girl (while of course being interested in sleeping with her, because well… the attraction is what prompts you guys to ever hold a conversation) to thoughts of JUST tryna hit it. Is there ONE thing? Basic variables? Does that THING change over time? is it formulaic like (age of male)/maturity x number of female body parts exposed=looking for condom in glovebox ?

        I’m not asking this so i can gauge my own excess level…(I’d not put myself in the excessive category). It’s strictly anthropological.

      • Ah that makes sense…while that equation would make sense…there are some quick pointers/signals of getting that one-way ticket to smash-ville:
        + any physical (not visual) notification that your hanes are at the crib and not on that behind…
        + do you spend the entire night pulling down a dress (aka shirt) that you knew wasn’t long enough when you left the house…
        + are you drinking drinks like it’s gatorade following a marathon…
        + do you respond to names that your mother did not name you…
        + have you made it apparent that you are proficient with the atari 2600 joystick…
        + are you overly concerned with logistical questions such as did I drive, where do I live, how many buttons are on my shirt…

        Do that help clear things up a bit?

  6. Rod says:

    Good stuff. Entertaining and informative. As a person that has recently dated someone that was waaaaaaaaaay too sexy, it’s probably not worth the headache. You have dudes trying you on a daily basis and like you said in your post, and you’ll just end up in a fight. If she has her goods out constantly, some disrespectful dude is going to come up and try to holla as if you’re not standing there and you’ll have to check him if you want to leave that place with your manhood.

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