us, bottles and…housewives…

so the homie ananamiss dared me to live blog the real housewives of atlanta last night…and like young ralphie’s friend flick from  a christmas story, i ended up in a painful position just couldn’t resist…of course i had to first figure out when it came on, which was somewhat simple…i just waited until every female in my fb timeline started ridiculing chicks i had never heard of before, poured some jack and air and turned my tv to oxygen…i’m pretty sure this is the first time my cable box had a follow up “really” message following a channel request…after the dust cleared i was surprised to discover that oxygen only houses some of the mind numbing silliness those shows i’ve never seen…real housewives actually comes on bravo…who knew…

step one…utilize opening credits to familiarize myself with the characters…

– nene’s name is nene…i already want to cut myself…

– kim is white and is apparently harboring 2 bald fugitives under her dress…

– sheree’ actually talks more proper than i would ever expect from someone with an apostrophe at the end of their name….

– kandi is from xscape…i use to mess with them back in the day so she gets a pass…for now…

– phaedra has the look of a tigris…but her body makes it look like she’s already caught the prey…

– cynthia is married to uncle ben’s older brother…

oddly missing were a few husbands in the opening credits…housewife must mean something different down here in the a…

– in walks lawrence…i had to pause to inject my cable box with insulin…but he has a straight singing voice…whatever that means…

– i think he stole a broach from one of the church mothers…

– ok…pass is up…kandi’s hair looks like you should be able to rub her belly and make a wish…

– she kinda sings like sinatra…

– kim’s chin is way more manly than it should be…she should let lawrence hold some of it…

– nene looks like she has an old school principal comeover…

– brice’s job search approach looks oddly similar to this game we use to all “pool”…

– leon is like his character from waiting to exhale in real life…

– ahh…correction…cynthia is only dating uncle ben’s older brother…

– whoa…i see kim’s singing voice wasn’t invited to participate in this episode…

– she has a “pitch” problem…then i must have a “maybach” problem…

– hey…it’s the old destiny’s child chick…her and kandi must be getting their hair done at weezie’s “b-world” hair salon…soo woo…

– hmmm…i must’ve missed latavia’s comeback…

– somewhere in the world some fake eyelash manufacturer is touching himself to this episode…

– kim is a mistress to someone named “papa”…looking at her tummy pooch i think his last name is john…

– nene listened to kim’s song and thought the beat was the issue…that would be like me saying the color of our money is what is ailing our economy…

– unlce ben’s brother is my role model…i think 50 is a good time to get married…

– i’d like to think that kim’s understanding of depreciation has been somewhat altered by her 9am white wine appointment, but i’m pretty sure she’s just stupid…

– apparently 8lbs at 7 months is unacceptable in baby producing circles…i’d still like to understand why they care…and why there’s still 23 mins left…

– oh…her dude was locked up…guess that would make the timing important…better call up maury…

– apparently chicks with apostrophes at the end of their names also don’t stay at holiday inns…

– were they giving away old black men this year or something……

– dang…now she pissed gregg off…about to make that dude sweat out his s-curl…

– the only thing worse than getting relationship advice from a lady named nene is getting relationship advice from a lady who has to have said advice captioned on the bottom of the screen…who’s name is nene…

– if i was married to nene i’d probably never talk to her either…

– by the looks of it…after next week’s episode, peter might be looking for a drinking buddy…i’ll grab the jack and head over to uptown…wait…you probably already have your own…

– as messy as this was, it still wasn’t as tragic as the display put on by that semi-pro team down in dallas that i can’t call by name right now…it wasn’t as ignorant as i expected but it’s safe to say my sunday 10pm dvr slot is still open…

elrock…instant rhoa expert…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

8 Responses to us, bottles and…housewives…

  1. Carver The Great says:

    #funfact nene’s full name is linnethia….yes that’s 2 n’s

    just thought you’d want to know that for next week’s live recap haha

  2. The D.E.F.I. says:

    “- nene’s name is nene…i already want to cut myself…”

    lmao

  3. LynneJJ says:

    – sheree’ actually talks more proper than i would ever expect from someone with an apostrophe at the end of their name….

    EAAAAAAAASY now.

    Best wishes,
    Lynné

  4. mboogie says:

    funniest post…hands down! HILARIOUS… i was in tears at this… everything was dead on!

  5. ananimiss says:

    You did it! I haven’t even watched this week’s episode yet. However, Phaedra’s baby shower from a few week’s ago was one of the greatest televised moments of the last 50 years. No.1) Man walks on the moon. An extremely close number 2: Phaedra has a baby shower.

    For those who don’t believe me:

    http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-atlanta/season-3/videos/a-boughetto-baby-shower

  6. Pingback: us, bottles and…housewives… (via Us, Bottles, and Friends) « Anani Miss

  7. Pingback: ubf and 2010 walk into a bar… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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