lady friend conservation…

i have too many lady friends…i know this because i’ve been told so by some ladies who were looking to spend quality time in my small quaint nest o’ love replace them all…i don’t quite know how this happened…ok…i’m lying…i know exactly how it happened…it all goes back to the day i decided to enact the elrock lady friend conservation program…i’d like to pretend like this was some huge humanitarian effort or maybe even linked to some obscure female illness…but alas, there will be no cnn black in america special for this subject…hence today’s post…you can thank me now…go head…

how does this program work…it’s a fairly straight forward 3 step process…

  1. first you meet a lady…
  2. next you become her friend…
  3. and finally you don’t sleep with her unless it’s drought season or you’re really drunk you really deem it necessary…

you may ask yourself why would any straight man worth his weight in ps3 games ever pass up the opportunity for bone jumpage…well for me it comes down to these 3…actually 4 simple reasons..

– it keeps life simple…nothing changes the tenor of a male/female platonic friendship like some misplaced sexy time…once she one of you starts to catch feelings your tires closet space, your friendship or both may be in jeopardy…

– keeps said lady friend available for one of your boys that may really be interested in something more…obviously this is not a steadfast rule for every dude, but a lot of us don’t really care to compare ‘between the sheet’ notes on wifey with one of the homies…this prevents any possible “the best man” blow ups…

– keeps you in play for her girls…this is really for those strategic big picture types…keeping your trousers on once may grant you the opportunity to browse her facebook profile like a 1978 sears roebuck catalogue…trust…there’s no better wingman on the planet than a properly conserved lady friend…

– keeps the peace in the friendship circle…no one wants to attend a weight watchers meeting when two of the participants are embroiled in a quasi lovers quarrel…now because of you two, no one finds counting calories and reading food journals fun anymore…

– ok i meant 5…and maybe the most important…they don’t all really want to sleep with me anyway…but i never tell myself that…my poor ego would drink itself into a coma…then who would fetch dime pieces for my dreams…

so there you have it…a man that really doesn’t only have female friends that he hasn’t tried to exchange smush faces with yet…yes i know my approach is a little out of the ordinary…it may even actually fly in the face of some poorly publicized man law…but you can tell by my excessive use of ellipsis that i didn’t do well in 5th grade english i’m a maverick, so i only play by the rules that are convenient for me…

fellows…i know i’d be hard pressed to find a co-signer out there…do you ladies have similar rules for engagement…

elrock…lady friend conservation expert…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

14 Responses to lady friend conservation…

  1. Bridgette says:

    Nice concept! and no..us ladies – or at least I don’t – have the same rules..I’d LIKE to have a bevy of male friends as it would be helpful in a lot of ways.. but in all of my attempts, men mostly want to be smoosh partners and when you’re not giving up the smooshing, friendship isn’t an option..sup with that???

    As an aside.. it is a deterrant and rather annoying when a man that a woman IS interested in has ONLY female friends or majority female friends. WHY? because we KNOW females!! and at some point or another, there are chances that something inappropriate has happened between the two of you….I’m just saying…

    • touche’…anytime there’s a compatible pair of genitalia in the room, something inappropriate can happen…that in mind, i had to fire a warning shot to the fellows that feel like that must bed them all…i must admit, avoidance ain’t always easy…

      • morningjoi says:

        Well, as a woman with a “bevy” of male friends, I will co-sign on this post from the homegirl corner. Just call me Madame Secretary (reference: Jacqinmystyle’s comment below).

  2. Pingback: Tweets that mention lady friend conservation… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  3. Jacqinmystyle says:

    I’m not only a member, I’m the President.

    I have lived this philosophy for years and to the brothers and sisters who (are ready to take their dating game to Jedi level) listen, this is the gospel of creating a dating pool.

  4. Dr. Sleep says:

    In light of all the political bickering, as a karate expert I fully support and practice this doctrine of human companionship and bipartisan relationship “tactics.” Most (not all) females understand that SEX CHANGES THINGS, no matter how benign or volatile the relationship was prior to said act. Therefore it is a responsibility of the male counterpart, and a useful strategy, to engage without “engaging,” even perhaps until engagement…triple entendre, don’t even ask me how.

    For those men still embroiled in the game of ‘Smash ’em all til they fall,” I believe the great orator Calvin Broadus once said, “There’s a method to you holding it, when they can’t do without it.” Words to live by.

  5. Gordon Willz says:

    ***Mike Jack voice*** you are not alone….

    I hear you bro. I think once you reach a certain age…a higher level of maturity if you will, rampant sexy time sprees are not as appealing as they once might’ve been in years prior. With that being said, I personally now have in my possession female friends! (and by female friends, I mean real life comrades who just happen to be girls, not broads that at present date somehow remain unsmashed…)

    The number of females that I are refer to as friends (and actually mean it) is small, but this falls under one of those “quality, not quantity” situations. These selected few drink beer, watch AND understand sports…in addition to cooking and looking good. (despite our ‘homie/lover/friend minus the lover’ status, it doesn’t hurt if your at least a 7.8, I mean your panty-draws will most likely never get acquainted with my bed-room floor, throw me a bone…)

  6. The D.E.F.I. says:

    I can cosign, based on #3. Having a strong platonic relationship with a girl who has a lot of female friends is like having a friend who works at a radio station. When a new album drops, you get first shot at it for free when all of you are just hanging out at the bar.

    Although, that being said, this is more or less a benefit of having the platonic relationship, not the actual reason for the relationship being platonic. Typically there’s no sexy time simply b/c she one of us isn’t interested.

  7. Dr. Sleep says:

    I would also retort that this method is golden for dealing with women who are cool friends, but have the Drama Queen cape in their closets, ready to transform into their alter ego at a moment’s notice. No reasonable guy wants to deal with that after a sexual encounter….so staying platonic is a great kryptonite.

  8. TT says:

    Playing Devil’s advocate – what if your lady friend who actually IS more than a friend has adopted the same mentality and has a huge pool of plutonic male friends….is that ok with you? I mean, you should fully understand it.

    and for the record, I feel like I should feel used (by you) ijs..

    • i tend to think if she had deemed them good enough, they would be in my spot or vice versa…i just trust that she wouldn’t be doing anything with them to jeopardize our thing…and if one day she decides that she was really meant to be with one of them, i’m collecting all of my personal care products and going home…the only exception would be the cats that i know for sure are disrespecting our relationship…i’d question why she ever needed to hang with them…

  9. Pingback: and you say she’s just a friend… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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