when the hunter get’s caught by the game…
October 28, 2010 25 Comments
*****Warning: The posting below is not for known crazy women. If you tend to be called crazy on a regular basis, please stop reading this. Why? Because in this post, I was already pushing it. I can’t imagine how crazy people would proceed.*****
Sometimes, I struggle with how much of myself I should put out there on the “interwebs” as Onetrik so lovingly calls this crazy world wide universe. UBF is all about entertainment though, so in the end…if I can accomplish that in some way, I win.
So the other day, Elrock schooled us on how to “hold on to your man” and help him fight the urge to find greener pastures. Pffft. Thanks for the tips. Now excuse me while I stick my tongue down my throat try not to laugh. The fact of the matter is, there is no formula. I know I’m not supposed to say that, but there isn’t. Granted, there are ways to assist in making some one decide he’d rather screw some one else he doesn’t like you anymore, but again- if the formula was simple, nobody would read half the things we write to begin with.
In my opinion, if someone is going to stay with you, they will. Even if you are a complete head case somewhat challenging. If Amy Winehouse can have a man, so can you. Jenna Jamison has been married. She’s a porn star. There’s someone for everyone. Key advise from any blog shouldn’t be “How to keep your man”. As Elrock so pointedly noted- if a man is going to stray, he will do it anyway. There’s no mathematic equation for that. Often the biggest bitches have the most faithful dog partner. I should know. If being nice was the main requirement I would be single for the rest of my life. I’m just keeping it 100% real.
The major takeaways that women should be interested in reading about aren’t how to “keep him”. It’s how to catch that mother*#@! the cheater in the act. I need people to write more blogs on that subject. How many times have you suspected that something “wasn’t quite right” only to be brushed aside with the good old “Crazy” card. The “Paranoid”, “Overreacting”, “Insecure” cards that cheaters often pull to throw us off their scent. Sound familiar? That’s actually never worked on me. I’m very arrogant sure of myself. So when I hear those magic words, I know: I’m being scammed. Ladies, don’t believe the hype. Don’t let some one try to trick you into ignoring your intuition.
I am NOT going to advise you to go through a man’s phone or emails or twitter direct messages, facebook stalk, etc. but you can if you want to only because to me, that’s crazy. I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never done it. We all Many have at least once, even if it was in high school. But it’s still crazy. I have one field tested tried & true method of making that dirty rotten cheater feel a little like those guys on “To catch a predator”. Busted.
If you really are one hundred percent sure that he’s cheating, but you don’t have any real proof, I’m not going to tell you what to do. I can’t give you this as advice in good conscience because it’s ballsy and could very well blow up in your face. It’s definitely not something you should do if there is a possibility that you are wrong. But I will tell you what I did.
It’s simple: I acted like I already knew. Not that I suspected. Not that I “thought”. I told that cheater that I was one hundred percent positive and had even made contact. I told him she gave me details. When he tried to ask questions about her identity, I gave the good old “Her info was fake” lie. But I knew enough about him and inconsistencies in his prior stories to fill in key blanks. Dates, Times, Scenarios. It was my confidence that made it believable. I actually didn’t have to say much at all. He was so sure that I already knew, he told on himself. Because that’s what cheaters do. They get caught. Now I know guys will say “Sucker! He played himself. That would never happen to me!” Do you want to test that theory? Besides, a Con knows a Con. It turns out maybe I was the one who was the wolf in sheep’s clothing ;) P.S. After he told me the truth, I decided to check his email to verify. It’s no longer crazy when you have stopped caring and the relationship is over. At that point it’s just educational reading. The moral of this story is simple: Trust your instincts. You don’t have to be a spy of Evelyn Salt proportions to find out the truth.
In the end I got the last laugh. It’s fun to be the badass…
Happy Hunting!
~Lolita
About usbottlesandfriends
Us, Bottles, and Friends 
Lolita, you’re correct…checking all that stuff (email, phone, etc) is just signs of crazy….or better yet…signs of things that WILL drive a typically sane woman crazy.
Three reasons why I cosign it should never be done:
1) Any information discovered via snoop is inadmissible in relationship “court.” Now, verification is another matter ;) but you must never slip up and ever confirm/allude to your actions.
2) A gut feeling/ESP really is ALL you need. As women, we want to “give him the benefit of the doubt” and prove things before we walk. Umm, F that! Last I checked, men were hitting the door for much less, including “I didn’t realize you know such and such and yal went out to dinner that one time in 1977.” WTF?! Seriously, if that ain’t the biggest BS excuse I ever heard. My point is…if you think he’s cheating, then he probably is. If he isn’t, your relationship probably won’t last anyway bc you haven’t mastered effective communication and/or trust. Cut your losses early and save your sanity/peace of mind.
3) Hell no you can’t snoop in my ish. Only thing worse than a jealous/insecure/snooping woman is a jealous/insecure/snooping man. If I catch wind that you fit the bill, deuces! Trust me. I have enough platonic male friends, former sig others, and guys who’d love to be more in my life (email address book, FB page, twitter account) to cause a def brouhaha (sp?) over an innocuous or “gray” comment. I dont have the time or energy to explain all that to you or to explain how I can actually keep them all in check regardless of what they say/do…I’m not snooping and neither should you. There will always be something to find and something even harder to explain…to your liking.
Sorry for the soapbox but I’m awake & not by choice.
Peace
EXACTLY! Point #2 is Church. I can’t cosign on that one enough. That niggling feeling in your gut already represents a lack of trust. It’s all downhill from there. Thank you for the interesting commentary!
Lolita,
Dang, girl. I’m feeling what you wrote once again. There isn’t some magic formula to keeping men. I wish there were. But, there isn’t…anymore than there’s a formula to guys keeping us, especially if we’re not looking to be “kept.” Point is, I think you’re right on target.
Regarding catching a punk in the act, well…I tip my hat off to you because that method DOES work. I actually dated someone back in 2000. We were doing the long-distance thing, whicn can be nuts to be begin with when you’re in a new relationship. At any rate, I just KNEW this a-hole was cheating on me. I knew it, but couldn’t prove it. So, I acted like I found out from a sistah girl who lived in the same state he did. Before I knew it, he was sharing the details of him messing around with his ex. Yeah…there is no magic formula but most guys can be manipulated to tell the truth.
Keep on doin’ what ya doin’, girl. And to the haters on here….yeah…haterade…it’s all smoke and mirrors, baby. All smoke and mirrors. I don’t have to hate. I’ve got too much game to do that.
Peace,
Lookin4Treble
that’s a great idea, but the success rate won’t be what you hope it to be simply b/c:
1) most women can’t see far enough past their cloud emotions to pull execute this properly
…and in the seldom cases that they do
2) most men aren’t suckers like that…you happen to be fortunate enough to catch one. pop a bottle.
i’m not saying it doesn’t work, but it’s probability of success is closer to 0% than 100%….but i must say that it’s a dope idea.
oh and one more thing; if a girl told me that she already knew AND had proof, i’m waiting for the proof before i utter a word, in fact i’m
getting the f*ck outta dodge!walking away before has a chance to go J. Sullivan on me…i’ve had way too many discussions with people claiming they know something only to find out they don’t know sh*t to fall for this swindle…
…..wait a second…..
…now that i think about it, this situation DID happen to me, and since she claimed she had proof but couldn’t confirm specific details, so i poked holes in her theory til she relented…..and then removed her from the premises for her falsehoods….
i promise i only planned to write 2 sentences….
Hahaha yes execution IS everything. This is why I adamantly suggested against this particular tactic. In my case, I was on my way out anyway, so even if it blew up in my face, better to go out with a bang than a whimper. That said, I admit to being cagier than most…Let’s just say I had enough information to have an almost fool proof story. I’m an admitted Con though. I don’t often use my powers for ill will, but if it’s between me & that other guy, I’m protecting myself. In this case, He loses. I outsmarted him. No surprise there…
The old “lemme see if I can get you to tell on yo ignant @$$ self” trick. Women have been pulling that Menace II Society interrogating tactic for years…”you know you done kcufed up. you know you done kcufed up don’t ya?”
If there is something to be found out, pretending you already found it out is a good way to get someone to dry snitch on themselves. But in some situations, there is nothing to find out…and it’s in those rare occurrences, when we color women with the crazy crayon. To be into and totally focused on a woman only to have her be worried about broads who don’t exsist and things that aren’t happening is frustrating. When we get frustrated, its easier to just say “that b*tch crazy” than it is to try to make sense of these intangible, unmerited feelings women have.
I’m not going to sit here and say that at times, women dont have legitimate reasons to be insecure in relationships, but when the insecurity is unprovoked, there is no better example of being counter-productive. Sometimes, ladies just have to realize when they won and don’t go looking to manufacture issues that aren’t there. Its like you have a wide open lay up, but you dribbling around defenders who aint even there….just kiss it off the glass for an easy 2 points.
Not going to disagree with you there- I had a definitive disclaimer to make sure you know what the heck you are talking about before sniffing around looking for dirt. That said, in my example, I was more right than you could have imagined. There wasn’t one, there were many many many indiscretions. While you make a valid point as well, sometimes where there’s smoke there is fire.
TIGER TIGER WOODS YALL!
one could argue that if you are definite in your cheating assertions, there’s really nothing to talk about…unless i missed the page in the book that said actually hearing a cheater confess somehow erases the actual act…if you know you know, take the greener approach…unplug your interrogation lamps, put on your fake eyelashes and go about getting re-drafted…
Ugh, of course the boys weigh in with some sort of “Logic”. Even if you “know” in your heart, truth be told, nothing tastes sweeter than the sweet vindication after some idiot guy tried to convince you that you were imagining things than throwing it back in his face as he confesses…call that the vindictive woman in me, but In these types of situations, gotta get your kicks where you can. Getting cheated on is an overall demoralizing experience. It’s nice to be able to let him know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you were not fooled. Again, call that the woman in me. Or maybe the man in me. My ego reigns supreme.
my apologies for being reckless with the logic…i try to give it up but it just be callin me…
not to completely change the subject but…what if a cheater cops to the cheating before your inquisition even begins (of course this is in direct violation of man law 193: deny til you die)…does he earn brownie points for coming clean…does the relationship continue…or do you jesse jackson his man sacks…
Hahaha Um…I mean everyone is different. I know the statistics on both men and women cheating are high, but I think it’s a deal breaker for me. Trust is broken and it’s kind of a domino effect of relationship failure for me. Even if I could forgive, I think forgetting would prove difficult. I guess it depends on the situation. I’d probably weigh the decision more heavily if I were married to the guy instead of just dating him. So no, can’t say he gets “brownie points”. But I might respect him a bit more.
First and foremost, let me say, as someone who is also in the business of giving relationship advice, I don’t like stepping on other people’s advice
at least not to their face. However, since my “How to Keep Your Partner from Cheating” post precipitated elrock’s “you think you know…but you have no idea…” post, which then, in turn, precipitated this post, I feel obligated to respond.Now, I was with you up until:
“The fact of the matter is, there is no formula.”
This is true. (A point that’s implicit in my post.)
And I agree that no woman worth her salt should ever fall for the “Bitch you’re crazy[paranoid, overreacting, insecure, etc.]!” (which is the oldest trick in the book).
But you went left on me when you said, “The major takeaways that women should be interested in reading about…is how to catch the cheater in the act.”
Really?
No.
Are there ways to catch a cheater?
Sure.
Are there any worth dispensing to the general female public? No.
This might come off as lecturing, but a few more years in the game and you’ll look back and realize that the method/approach you advocate here is for amateurs trying to catch amateurs. The truth is: good cheaters have their game on so tight that you don’t even have an inkling that he/she may be cheating. (what do you do then?) Bad cheaters, on the other hand, get caught with zero effort from the catcher. (what’s the use in wasting your time when they will do all your work for you?)
Thus, all sorts of “how to catch a cheater” methods are ultimately futile or unnecessary. In my opinion, snooping is not crazy, but, it is pathetic. When a woman who’s got her own game on tight suspects cheating and has enough clues to back it up, she either bounces or she lets that shit go without the added drama of trying to figure out the who? what? where? when? or how? (which will make you crazy).
Women who play the game and play it well get the results they want with little to no drama.
#ijs
hmmm Strong opinion. You ok? Ok. Good. Now again, I know I said about…well at least 3 times that I didn’t advocate this as “advice”…It’s not at all. I simply gave an example of NOT searching through some one’s stuff and still getting results. And unlike most bloggers, I didn’t massage the story to put myself in a more flattering or mature light. I just told the truth. All this high road stuff sounds incredibly…well unrealistic. The fact of the matter is, Mature or not, there isn’t a woman alive who if given a choice would prefer “Knowledge by Time in the Game true Playette style” over “Knowledge by Fact- Busted”. No matter how good your “intuition” is from being Old-er, you will never know if you were actually right unless you get confirmation. That lingering doubt also has been known to drive a normally normal lady crazy. That said…I don’t believe this situation ended with any drama- as he never knew I was lying (until now ha!). I got what I wanted: The truth. Now again, I appreciate your opinion- But not to lecture…I distinctly said this wasn’t advice. My first paragraph was “I’m here to entertain”. On the contrary, I DO NOT write advice columns. You and I are different. I write about my musings while drinking, hence the blog “Us, BOTTLES, friends” lol. And yes- I’m more interested in reading about how to catch a cheater than how to keep a man. I’m allowed to have that opinion- it’s my blog. But do feel free to write a follow up post on your blog about how young girls such as myself have a lot to learn. I’ll definitely read it :)
We always appreciate the feedback!
LOL! So since Lolita only writes for entertainment purposes, should we simply refrain from commenting on her posts? Because there’s a habit of taking the defensive when her take is argued/questioned/challenged, not to mention the pointing out of the blog’s title/purpose/writer-bios. I’m confused. Why write on a blog that allows comments if one is not able to genuinely engage and appreciate the discourse? As one of the original “friends” in Us, Bottles, and Friends (yes, I know “those guys” personally so I don’t need to read/re-read the bios), this “it’s my blog, I can write what I want to” refrain is pretty stank.
Have a little love for the “friends”, Lolita! Damn! A blog without comments (even critical ones) is not a cool blog.
By the way, Tolu… THIS: Women who play the game and play it well get the results they want with little to no drama. << realest words you ever wrote. :-)
Lol all comments are welcome and I love a good debate. My tendency to be snarky is part of the fun. That said, this is all in good fun- a good debate involves both parties hugging their positions tightly, as I’m will always do, but not getting offended. That said, I expect strong opinions and hope for them, especially when I don’t agree. Which is why I alwayscthank my posters after I argue my point :) so again, I say: I stand by my opinion- as it is just that, mine, but always welcome you to disagree strongly. We can’t take this too seriously- just look at how hard the guys go at me lol. It’s all for love of the debate ladies- let’s not get too sensitive…onetrik will spank me tomorrow with his rebuttal I’m sure haha
Excuse the typos. My iPhone fails me
Lolita,
The tone of your comment suggests that you took offense to my comment and I assure you that I meant no disrespect to you or your post. Now, I realize that since you joined this blog, many regular ubf readers have put you in the position to where you have had to defend your ideas/advice/stories/etc. and it wasn’t my intention to become one of them. After re-reading your post, I realize that you did in fact mention that this post was for entertainment purposes only. That’s my bad. Every time I read ubf, I expect to receive some type of advice (sorry, force of habit). But thanks for clarifying and putting things into perspective for me. [elrock + onetrik = advice + entertainment] & [Lolita = entertainment]. I get it now and for the record, I was thoroughly entertained (no, really, I laughed my ass off. Especially at this:: “I actually didn’t have to say much at all. He was so sure that I already knew, he told on himself.” Lol! Pure comedy!).
Like mjoi, I get the sense that comments to your posts are not welcome and if they are, one must comment at her own risk. Well, I did and I thought my comment was pretty straightforward and respectful. But if it elicited a “I have a right to my opinion—it’s my blog!” response from you, I guess I was wrong. Don’t worry, it won’t happen again.
Oh, yeah and you were right to observe that on occasion, a ubf post will inspire me to write a follow-up post on my own blog. Unfortunately, this was not one of them. So while I appreciate the offer, I think I’ll pass. But maybe next time, ok?
Anyhow, I’ve reached my “entertainment” quota for the day, so after this, I’m out. At the end of the day, i still think that this female perspective is a good addition to this blog, so you’re still cool with me. Take care and keep up the good work!
_______________________
@mjoi:: thx!
Nope seriously- no offense taken. I just like a good debate. Where I find it fun, I guess some people may get worried by my tone. I’m one of those girls that does the dirty dozens with her boyfriend and doesn’t get mad when he says I sound like Barry White (only when I’m sick, I promise you), but then I remind him he’s probably jealous that my voice is deeper than his. I’m a sarcastic person- I get the feeling people are taking my tendancy to throw wit and snark into my comments as getting upset. Never that! I actually really like the disagreeing opinions, otherwise I wouldn’t write things that were controversial. Sorry if I offended you by telling you to school me on your blog- but I was actually serious. I would be interested to hear your opinion in full context instead of a one-off comment. I will always defend what I write, but I’m supposed to. That said, I really do appreciate ALL feedback. I tend to write the longest responses to people that don’t agree with me in fact because I like to keep everyone engaged. Keep shutting me down where you feel appropriate!
~Lola
I have to agree with the previous poster, Tolu up there. A great cheater will never give any sign that s/he is cheating. In fact, the relationship will probably be better because the cheater feels as though they have to overcompensate for the lack of faithfulness to the relationship.
Well then. Lucky are the girls with the ‘bad’ cheaters…whatever that means
wow this is my 1st time responding to any blog as it pertains to relationship stuff…i’m an older brotha with an adult son. I was thnkn so this is what kidz(young adults) are into. I have to admit that you youngens have alot to say on relationships..wow
anyway my thoughts is that a woman can be the most loving,caring wash ya man’s back and cook him meals everyday type of woman and that really won’t keep him from being a philanderer. This is something that either he will do orwont do. I know because that man is me….or shall I say was me…my lady would cook enormous spreads and even invite other friends of mine to the home(couples of course) so that she can show evry1 that I have a woman that can put it down in the kitchen..of course she knew how to make the toes curl fo sho… she made good money and we lived comfortably. I really didn’t have a want for anything other than another woman..you see I considered myself a man that took care of the home front and therefore I can have a lil fun every now and then….
so ladies please stop asking this crazy question about how can I keep my man from cheating and what do I do after I find out..no can tell you what to do or not do. just have faith that what you are doing is the best that you can do and def learn to listen and more importantly talk thinks out.
so IN closing if ya man wants to he will..if it aint in his make-up to cheat then he wont!!!!! stop playing kid games and know that when you both are in a real relationship then u both are responsible for each other…
peace and love
I totally agree- if he wants to cheat, he will. no matter what you do. It is a silly question. The same goes for women frankly. If we want to do it, we will. That’s a universal people thing
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