how does it feel…

One of my all time favorite ghetto ladies’ anthems is “Fakin it” by K. Michelle. For those that are unfamiliar, some of the lyrics include catchy diddy’s such as “He’s so bad, i hate to see him commin, but i be frontin, makin he think he something…”

By now you should know where I am going with this but just in case you are slow haven’t figured it out yet: Boys, I have some bad news for you. We fake it. A lot. Now before you say “Not my girl!”, I’m going to tell you a few things. 1) Yes, your girl fakes it.  2) Your jump offs do, too. 3)This doesn’t necessarily mean you are bad (although you might be) .

I’m not going to get into a biology lesson with you because frankly, that’s boring. But in short, we aren’t made the same way. Our magic button doesn’t always cooperate even if pushed the right way by the right person. Some days, we may be stressed out, still recovering from last time tired, or just not in the mindset for it. Sometimes, we know it’s going to take too long and we are giving you a break by making you think it happened sooner rather than later. There are moments where we are Sooo Close, but no cigar. Not your fault. A near miss. (And those moments are really disappointing.) Then there are those times where it’s just not going to happen no matter what you do for no particular reason at all.  And finally, some of you really are like the dude Ms. Michelle references and you need to take a few lessons on rubbing the genie the right way.

Before I get a lecture on how “faking it only hurts myself” blah blah blah, Don’t bother. The fact is, I am very much aware of how fragile the male ego is, as most women who have dated as many of you as I have are.  Trust me, I’m doing YOU a favor. Do you enjoy breaking your jaw over working tirelessly at a goal that can’t be reached? Do you really want me to tell you “Dude, stop wasting your time. Just hurry up and finish”? That’s real sexy, isn’t it? Nothing kills the mood faster than a lady telling you that no matter what type of banana Olympic games you are trying to play, her fruit bowl is full.

That said, the purpose of this article wasn’t to make you feel badly. It was to give you some hints that your lady might need an agent to support her acting skills in your one on one movies. Now that you know she’s faking itmost some of the time, I’m here to tell you a few of the signs.

1.       Did anyone else laugh really hard during that part in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” where he’s having sexy time with the eerily silent black girl and then suddenly she says something along the lines of “I’m done.” I think the reason why I laughed so hard is because she was probably the only one of those women out of the entire string of girls he was bedding that actually finished. If your girl makes more sound effects than the actors in Paranormal Activity, it’s safe to say it ain’t real.

2.       My all time favorite ego booster: You guys always “finish” at exactly the same time.  Wow what are the odds? In spite of our biological differences, somehow she’s managed to have her best part of the sexy time at the same Exact time as yours. That sounds real likely…

3.       She’s ready to go again immediately afterwards. This is a dead giveaway. It usually means you didn’t succeed the first time. Like you, we do get tired.  And like any prized fighter, we usually need a little down time before round two in the ring, so to speak. So if we don’t, you effed up it’s probably because round one never actually finished.

4.       She has trouble sleeping afterwards.  Last time I checked, successful sexy times never gave anyone insomnia. While we are biologically different, contrary to popular belief we are not superheroes. The best way to top off any good time is a siesta.

That’s my public service announcement for the week. You may not appreciate the message, but I’m not here to stroke your ego. That’s your girlfriend’s job. As it turns out, men aren’t the only good liars afterall. But you already knew that ;)

See you at the Oscars…

Lolita

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

13 Responses to how does it feel…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention how does it feel… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  2. Marcie says:

    Lolita, you’re killing me!

    However, I don’t fake….esp not for the jump off…classic statements made are in fact the ego blowers — just stop; not gonna happen; no, I want you to X.

    IJS #theyhateme

  3. Ifyoureallyknewme says:

    THANK YOU LOLITA
    When it comes to faking it…I see nothing wrong with flying standby for an early take-off once in awhile. You still get to where you are going but with plenty of time to cruise the town/send a few emails/ get your nails done after landing at your final destination :)

  4. Lolita says:

    Well ladies- not to engage in TMI, but I figure, if you have as much sexy time as I do, you end up faking it sometimes.

  5. Lolita says:

    And by the way, we aren’t men. We can enjoy the movie without seeing the end. Maybe it was a really good movie…right up until the final credits. That happens a lot.

  6. Monique says:

    A round of applause for Lolita!!!
    I used to feel guilty for faking it, but I see that I really don’t! Thanks!!
    I’ve done all of the above, and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I just can’t imagine how it would play out if I tell my man to hurry up & get it over with, cause I’m just not feeling like that moment is gonna happen for me today. That just seems like a mood killer. No point in us both being a lil disappointed. So I’ll take one for the team & fake it just so my man can get his. I just don’t see any harm in that.

  7. Lolita says:

    Exactly- don’t feel guilty. But make sure every now and then you get what you paid for ;)

  8. RandomGirl says:

    Some of us are as loud as paranormal activity Lolita ;-) Yeah lucky guy. I’ve had uh… explosions back to back as well with no rest in between. Not faking it does pay off, occasionally you need to tell the man… “loook, you wanna keep hittin this, you need to xyz. Men who love sports often take coaching very well but it does take time and you can’t always beat their ego. You are right, the male ego cannot take much. Gotta find that balance so they stay motivated AND challenged.

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