baby got back…

*****This post is in honor of National Ass Day…which was yesterday…which also happens to be Kim Kardashian and Amber Rose’s shared birthday.*****

“I like big butts and I can not lie…”

This gem of a song just so happened to be on the first album (actually was a tape for those of you from the iPod generation) I ever purchased back in ‘92. At the time, I thought I was simply getting over on unsuspecting mama onetrik for not quite noticing that hater parental advisory sticker in the bottom right corner. Don’t judge her as I was manipulative adorable back then too. Little did I know, that song would go on to create a life long condition I have been afflicted with.

I am a derriere connoisseur…a booty man in less French terms.

Now before you stop reading because your apple bottom resembles more of a cherry bottom or even a pancake bottom, I’m a fan of all types as a true pervert connoisseur. Whether you have the athletic booty that I can bounce quarters off of or the shelf booty that holds my drink or the handheld booty that fits right in my palm or the hippy booty that comes with handles for optimal handling or the perennial favorite…ms. fat booty that I can see from the front, it doesn’t matter to me.

Now throughout the dealings with my condition, I have operated under the assumption that no matter the type of posterior, she was always shaking what her momma gave her. But it has recently been brought to my attention that she may be in fact shaking what her dr. gave her. So thanks to the marvel of science, there is now a backside that doesn’t get the onetrik seal of approval.

Now why is this an issue?

For starters, I have a hard enough time telling whether that is your hair…are your eyes that color…are those your fingernails…is your skin that smooth without make-up…are you that tall…is that a padded bra…or as elrock pointed out what is up with your eyelashes? Now I have to add booty pat downs to my list of first date activities. Not that I don’t like how it looks in those jeans. I’m not going to lie. I like the way it makes you sit higher in your chair but we could have gotten a phonebook for that. My real worry is what happens when I smack it 5 yrs from now when that incremental jiggle makes it way down to the back of your leg taking you from a Kim Kardashian look to a Usain Bolt look…which is a bad look for both of us.

So unlike elrock, I don’t want to know why you do it but instead I want you to stop it. Because as long as you wake up and make me pancakes and eggs for breakfast and clean that damn skillet, we can work with whatever you are packing if you keep au naturel.

All of this to say, if Nicki happens to be reading this I’m willing to look past that ass…I kid…unless she is reading this…

What about you fellas out there? How do you feel about gluteal augmentation? Any ladies out there considering a butt job? Like all other fake things on women, can you pick them out as well?

onetrik…cause silicone parts are made for toys…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to baby got back…

  1. SdotKikko says:

    Maybe you recall a conversation at a gas station in LA and the kid’s perspective…I want everything to be what it is.

  2. Gordon Willz says:

    I swear I been trying to read this post for about 37 minutes now…I was having trouble unfixing my eyes to the bubbliciousness that is Minaj’s rump. Real or not, I seriously wanna lay on her booty :-)

    Anyway, I’m for being who u are…and that includes looking how u look. Not a huge fan of weave, but if it looks nice, and isn’t obviously NOT your hair (which I still am really bad at determining until I hear a woman say something like “her weave is attrocious”) I can deal with that. The same for fake nails and eyelashes, assuming the glue or whatever adhesive ladies are using these days is inconspicuous. I like my chest grenades to be filled with live ammo, if u catch my drift… Now fake eyes? I strongly believe that no grown woman should rock color contacts. (dudes should not be rocking color contacts at any age, and those that do should killthyself at once) Past 25 years of age, you should just accept the fact that your eyes are not hazel..or grey…or blue…and fa damn sho not purple.

    Ladies, just be yourself, a real man will appreciate you for you.

    “real girls aint perfect. perfect girls aint real” (c) Drizzy

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