where babies come from…

Based on my twitter feed extensive research, some ladies (and a few fellows) are not quite clear on how kids are made and therefore making the mistake of engaging in horizontal calisthenics with douchebags less than desirable gene donors. In essence, they are playing contraceptive craps…or crabs depending on the partner…and then getting their feelings hurt when they roll 7 and find their return on the bet to be less than optimal.

While we may live in a world where getting your Cromartie on feels better 99.9% doesn’t equal every time, it would be my assumption that there is a bigger issue at play here. As an adult…read as someone who no longer lives with the parentals and is responsible for feeding themselves for 2 out of 3 daily meals…why on earth would you trade DNA with someone in the bottom 50th percentile? If you even have a small feeling that the person A) attended the Britney Spears’ school of parenting; B) perpetually keeps on sneakers to run from any situation that would require any responsibility lasting longer than 7 minutes; C) has any characteristic that evolution has yet to eradicate you’d regret passing on to your children; D) All of the above, you should do your best AC Green impression.

But for the sake of a blog post argument, let us consider what could possibly be going through your head:

+ I wasn’t thinking about it – This relatively short lapse in thought could very well land you 18 yrs of awkward interactions at your bundle of joy’s future arraignments achievements. While I know RHOA is about to come on, you should probably think about hitting pause on the DVR and devoting a little thought to a defensive strategy for your susceptible eggs.

+ I like bad boys – Well similar to Rick Rozay and his label mates, you’ll also be BMFing but instead of ciroc it will be on diapers, formula and head start classes because as Detroit witnessed in the early 90s, bad boys don’t stick around for long. They get in, bang you up and then get out only to go ruin some one else’s franchise life. Exhibit A: Isiah Thomas.

+ I am a was drunk – As a member of the drunkest trio to ever grace the interwebs, I can say without a doubt that I’ve done countless a number of things that deserve a life mulligan. However, my drunken representative realizes his existence is contingent on the lack of ankle biters on the payroll. Besides, Jack Daniels has never tried to trip me into a procreation mishap. I consider this self-preservation at its finest.

+ I can’t find anyone else – If being alone is your concern, you may be on the right path. If you find yourself without a love glove in that 0.1%, you’ll have company for the remainder of your “Girl I look good” days ensuring that you will in fact not be able to find anyone else. Unless you count the mail man or the plumber or the cable guy or any one else that makes house visits. But your +1 status will make it hard to hold on to those high standards that none of us could meet in the first place your future partner was going to meet.

+ He’s Mr. Right…Now – While not being ready for a relationship is fine with us here at ubf…we try not to live in glass houses after all…your combination of no commitment with reckless sexy time on the rocks will probably give you the worst hangover you’ve ever experienced. Why not go with an old fashioned instead to mix things up, it works for Don Draper…oh wait.

All of that to say if you could see your boonopilis as a baby daddy then do you. But if you think the only thing he plans on giving junior is his name, you may want to invest in a better below the belt goalie or postpone any upcoming matches.

What about the good people of ubf? You want to get on this soap box before I put it back in the closet? Or are you ashamed of who you made shame walk out of your place this morning?

onetrik…to be a guest on the maury show…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

7 Responses to where babies come from…

  1. RandomGirl says:

    See Estelle’s new song “Just a touch”.

  2. Marcie says:

    No shame; “would I mind you being the father of my kids should I get knocked up and kick the bucket?” is my standard for secy time decisions…makes 4 a little less exciting life these days, but the tradeoff (should condom breakage happen & your swimmers be both strong and fast) is sooo worth it.

  3. Lolita says:

    I think the #1 takeaway from this article is the “Below the belt goalie”. Classic.

  4. TT says:

    what is RHOA?

  5. Pingback: ubf and 2010 walk into a bar… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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