average joe prenup…

Not sure how I got stuck on this recent marriage topic rut. Maybe it is all those happily boo’d up individuals infecting me with their happily-ever-after-flu. Don’t you worry though. I’m doubling up on the ‘tussin and getting plenty of rest.

Anyways last week in a conversation with some of the NYC homies, the idea of a premarital agreement came up. A few of the folks (both single and in serious relationships) shared their plans for putting together an itemized “this is my shit regardless of how bad one of us messes up” list prior to leaving their parents and becoming one with the love of their life.

I, on the other hand, didn’t think that list was necessary if by chance I decide to trade in this bachelor dynasty. Why? Well here are a few reasons:

+ Considering the idea of an eventual separation plants a seed that only requires a little nagging water, some bad cooking sunshine and flirtatious soil in a mini-skirt before we will find ourselves with a full blown separation plant that you can keep in your new place…

+ In the event of marriage, I plan on marrying up such that any divorce finds my mailbox converted into an alimony receiving machine…

+ But most importantly, I haven’t quite made it to that Tiger level where I’d be at risk of losing the Kingdom of Tonga’s GDP because love doesn’t live here anymore…

But this idea of protecting my “assets” led me to think what I would include in my prenup if asked…

Well for starters, I’m going to have to insist on including all the booze in the house. Seeing as I created your drinking problem hobby, you should be able to go back to your drinking in moderation ways which will not require these various expensive bottles of goodtimes juice we’ve collected.

Next one is tough but I’m going to need you to give back all my family members and friends. While it was important that they liked you back when we were we, but now that we is just me you can go ahead and free up those slots in the blackberry and make the appropriate facebook modifications.

In the case of me donating any organs to you, I’m going to need those back too. I mean if you break my heart then I should be able to get my gallbladder back right?

Get out the old calendar and photo albums because we have to go back over all relevant airlines and hotel arrangements. In other words, I need my miles and points back. Remember all those luxurious vacations we took using the thousands of miles I accumulated through my bacon-earning work travel? Well I need your half back but feel free to keep the Picasso album for your troubles.

I’d really appreciate it if you left my sport teams in the living room on your way out. I know we’ve been through a lot of tough games and enjoyed a number of championship celebrations over the years but now that you are a free agent, please move on to a new team. Even if we aren’t watching the game together, I’d be able to enjoy it much better knowing you went back to rooting for the Clippers.

So now that I got that off my chest, what about you folks with nicer stuff than me? What would you include in your prenup? Or would you even consider having one?

onetrik…holla we want prenup we want prenup….


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to average joe prenup…

  1. Marcie says:

    *dead* (lmao)

    cosigning on “my friends & family” as long as you accept that “your friends & family” love you but may, in fact & great probability, like me better than: 1) any other chic you’ve ever dated (or may even marry); and, 2) wait 4 it….. you ;)

  2. Sinister says:

    LOL. I am not a fan of the pre-nup idea. I agree with what you mentioned about the seed of eventual divorce being planted. That said, I can see that it has a place. I would seriously consider it if (let’s see what # I could pull out my arse) there was a 400, 000 per year difference in salary/assets.

  3. Pingback: ubf and 2010 walk into a bar… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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