a quick snack at Baja Fresh…

*****We recently took a poll on how to improve ubf. Since no one has successfully mastered cloning, we went with the second best suggestion: Add a female voice. Please allow us to introduce the first ever female to enter the hallowed ubf walls (bio and all), Lolita. She’s bringing a little east coast flavor to our stories of drunken and fabricated memories translated into life advice. We’ll make sure her estrogen feels at home nestled in between all this testosterone but make sure you do your part with lots of comments (ladies) and leaving your phone numbers (fellas) because she is single.*****

How soon is too soon? Ahh the age old question. You are about to indulge in some good old fashioned sexy times with your soon to be significant other (hopefully…if everything goes as planned…) and begin your pg-13 version of foreplay when he gently guides his hip area north…almost as if, well kinda towards your face. Hmmm. The question most self respecting ladies should be asking themselves is, Now what?  If you are a girl who just goes in for the kill, you may as well stop reading this. Now.  (Sidebar: if dude in question pushes your head down like the homing device on a guiding missile, you are a jump off. You can stop reading this as well.)

So  for those  of you that are still here and still have a chance into entering happily ever after until you get tired of each other: sex is one thing. Tonsil hockey with the lower abdomen is a whole different ball game (pun clearly intended). You see, in this day and age, you can probably get away with some early sexy times between date one and date three without necessarily being labeled a jump off, depending on the circumstances. But if you are one of those ladies who likes to go deep sea diving as soon as you have stepped foot onto the ship…well that’s another story. From my research, there aren’t too many men that will say no to that. But the question is, do they respect you later? I decided to put together some guidelines for when it is ok to play ‘try not to put your teeth onto the salami’. This list does have a hierarchy and order. Do not pass go, go directly to jump off if you do not follow them.

1)      You have been on some actual dates- While this seems self explanatory, the boys of UBF have already explained to you the difference between a date and “hanging out”.  Just because he’s “hanging out” doesn’t mean you should put your mouth on it.

2)      You have already had sex – this should be a given. Ladies, unless you want to be a chump Monica Lewinsky style, make sure you get the full package before even considering Banana Olympics.

3)      He’s done the dew first – My general rule is this: you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. Why shouldn’t that same credo apply to mouth to lower region nuptials? A man can only judge you but so much for giving after receiving. It’s only fair.

4)      You are getting into a routine of sexy times – Nothing says boring like missionary/on top/doggie…every single night. You may not like slobbing the nob, but if you like him, you better learn to fake it. Take one for the team ladies. Otherwise, some one else will.

Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow, so make sure you bring a towel.



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

13 Responses to a quick snack at Baja Fresh…

  1. Elena says:

    Great Going down etiquette. Thumbs up.

  2. Carver The Great says:

    bravo young chap.

    i’ve always wanted to hear this from a woman’s perspective. being pro-brains, i have been working on a campaign to broker a deal that contains only a “meeting of the minds”. this way less emotion (read: drama) will be involved and there will be no “late” texts

    i concur with reciprocity, if i do you, please don’t put me in the awkward situation where i have to ask, hint, tell, yell for it. no one wins that game.

    • Lolita says:

      Indeed. It’s a tricky subject. Our mothers used to tell us not to do such things. Even though we all do, it’s still Taboo. I want the ladies to understand that it is NECESSARY. Mastering the power of your inner Brain is they key to a successful, non cheating relationship lol. Because if you don’t do it, that big butted ugly girl in the strobe light at the club just might :)

  3. The D.E.F.I. says:

    I’m definitely not opposed to the “share and share alike” theory that you mentioned. But what I find…annoying, I suppose…is that typically a girl who uses that rule does so rather hypocritically. In other words, she only does it to ensure that she receives hers first.

    I’ve always–and I believe rightfully so, from what exes have told me–considered myself “generous” in this game. I’m not ashamed to say that I enjoy delivering the gift almost as much as I enjoy receiving it. But I find something unsettling about it when a girl says she’ll only do it if you do it first. Especially if, when her turn to give comes around, she’s less than enthusiastic about it. Which means that, while preaching fairness, really all she’s doing is using it as a device to mask her own selfishness.

    All I’m saying is that when you (and all ladies, by extension) preach the gospel, just remember that there’s a certain level of trust required. It’s not just to be used as a “Pass ‘Go'” card.

    • Lolita says:

      Well- I think the reason for the “You go first” is not why you believe. The fact is, I’ve heard enough locker room talk from the boys to discover not everyone looks at finding the center of the tootsie pop activities to be the most respectful aspect of sex. It has long been looked at as the red headed step child of respectable foreplay. Necessary, but not necessarily pretty. The last thing you want is to be that girl that gives good whop. So, reciprocity becomes key. It’s not about fairness but making sure you aren’t being pulled into the secret jump off society unwittingly. Most men won’t dive into the milky way of a jump off. You dig?

      • The D.E.F.I. says:

        I dig. And I get that. But just like you ladies don’t want to get played by giving up the mouth service first, neither do guys. Like I said, there’s trust required. And it might be wise for y’all to invest that trust sometimes instead of just requiring it of us. Goes both ways, feel me?

        Not hating, and not accusing you of the misstep. But a lot of women feel a little entitled, and they abuse that trust just like you fear guys will. And when they use the reciprocity clause as a cover, it just ruins it for the more honest ladies out there.

        As for the locker room talk and whether or not someone’s skills represent the level of respect they deserve…I think you just aren’t dealing with grown ass men. lol. Any male with a grain of “real man” in him isn’t making such foolish associations.

      • Lolita says:

        Not locker room talk on skill set- a lady should be aim to be good. Always. Otherwise keep your mouth shut! Lol. I mean the chic that goes for the kill without really knowing the dude. Like the girl you pick up from the club and next thing you know she’s giving your johnson mouth to mouth resuscitation. That said, I’m a renaissance chic but not a fool, I hear your points, but I’m a woman first. So- I watch out for us before I watch out for the men. That’s what Onetrik & Elrock are for- they keep the interests of the man first. And even in putting our interests first, notice this post was NOT how to make sure your dude is miking your cow. This article actually tells women they HAVE to do it. Now how many times have you heard that out of a woman’s mouth? ;)

      • The D.E.F.I. says:

        lol. No, no, no, don’t get me wrong; I appreciate the sentiment and effort. I was just speaking on something I’ve found with one of the aspects that you listed. Overall I approve of the post. Just being real with the discussion. lol. Carry on.

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