the older the berry…

…the closer to that last call on social security…and that is about the only thing you can guarantee when looking to nab you a fancy aarp member as your designated partner in this offline game called life.

I’ve officially gone over my anytime minutes when it comes to listening to disgruntled chics people tell me they only date people above a certain age.

Sidenote: Now don’t get me wrong, as a law abiding, tax paying, always voting for the black candidate citizen, I do believe that dating someone not deemed an adult by the US government is equal parts sad and lazy. Oh and illegal. Not too mention how unfair it is to those seniors who waited 3 whole years to be at the top of the totem pole so they could take advantage of those younger girls that wouldn’t date them when they themselves were younger…I digress…Rest assured that 18+ is the exception to the random collection of advice colored nonsense to follow…

The reasons for setting these you must be this old to ride minimums have recently taken the form of:

+ it means he isn’t in that ban (boy + man) stage any longer and ready to have a low-bs and no-games balanced relationship..aka he won’t make me watch him play videogames…

+ it means he is done with his playa ways…aka he doesn’t have the energy required to play you…

+ it means he knows what he wants…aka he is ready to jump the broom in the next 12 months…

+ it means he is financially stable…aka he is more likely to leave large amounts of cash in your various purses…

+ it means he is mature and refined…aka he won’t consider Chipotle good Mexican food…

As a not too young but still not too old fellow (some may call me perfect but that is neither here nor there), the following is an unbiased constituent’s take letting the cat out of the bag on these proposed RTBs (reasons to believe).

This idea of ban is bullshit interesting as it points to a generation of men that have not been required (by society) to fully cross the digital sands of adolescent and leave behind beloved items such as Playstations as they move into true manhood. We could spend all day discussing how the idea of manhood has morphed from our parent definition to the current generation’s take but I’m going to save that for a day when I’m too hung over from my childish antics to come up with a creative topic. The short answer here is that had those older guys grew up with a NES, power mat and glove, I’m pretty sure they’d still be getting their ban-on. Don’t blame younger guys. Blame Nintendo.

In today’s age of scarce pickings for females (which I fundamentally disagree and would argue it as a preferences issue), the idea of being a playa is driven more by the environment than the actual person. Now are there jerks out there trying to date the draws off of multiple women while wifey is at home ironing his draws? Yes. But the more common situation usually comes from space and opportunity. He offers the space and she brings the opportunity (usually with limited to no effort required). Basically a human potluck with no sides of age.

The fact that he knows what he wants is actually a true statement. However, he knows what he wants like he knows what type of tie knot to make with the shirt he plans on wearing to that big meeting at work. He’s achieved a certain level of status professionally and now needs the accessory partner to share in the spoils of success. He has created the perfect scene life for you to step right into and begin reading from the script a promising relationship. Congrats on becoming an addendum addition to his life. What could go wrong?

We’ve hit two in a row that I can’t really argue against as highly probably facts. While I can’t argue this one, I will say that this money grows on a tree scenario very closely resembles the one prior so in the interest of being green with your time congrats and what could go wrong?

Lastly but probably my favorite RTB for geriatric preferences, the good ole age = maturity argument. Extra laps around the track of life will definitely give one better chances at accumulating the all too valuable life points which can be traded in for maturity badges but as with any point system, they also can just be wasted because you can’t remember your username or your first pet’s name. Besides show me a woman that doesn’t like Chipotle and I’ll show you a perpetually single woman.

Now that I’ve changed everyone’s views on setting age requirements in the mean streets of dating, what does ubf have to say? Do you have any stories supporting this argument? Or better yet, do we have anyone willing to share their ageist success stories with the class?

onetrik…the juice may be sweeter but it is still prune juice…

***Shout out to Amerie with a Harvard JD for helping with research***

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to the older the berry…

  1. educatedlovely says:

    As a woman who used to prefer dating older men (key words: *used to*), I have to say this post is absolutely correct, ESPECIALLY the part about him knowing what he wants. I’ve found that if you date an older guy, they already have their lives together (which in theory is a plus), but that just means all of your goals and ideas about how life should be take a back seat since they have it all figured out. This type of relationship only works if you have no real care about the direction your future takes and are absolutely flexible with meeting someone else’s goals and enjoying their experiences. Needless to say, that just wasn’t working for me…

  2. sdot says:

    …and this is why I drink.

  3. Soumynona says:

    Hmmm – Onetrik, interesting perspectives. From my “observations”, older berries are better for stress-less relationships. Mature berries aren’t that much older than young berries. A 42 yr old guy with a 28 yr old woman gives both berries the best of both worlds and vice versa
    Here are some simple and colorful reasons why:

    – Mature woman are the best in the event you happen to be a guy who is tired of some woman (aka hormone induced wife-monster) ironing your draws. The mature berry doesnt have to be a prune, just a very ripe (I’ll stop right here anticipating that the theme of no stress is understood)

    – On the flip, mature men make it easier for a woman not to stress. Once again, they don’t have to be at the monthly prostate check-up age, just old enough to be at work all day and send his little damsel on a shopping and nail excursion – so that he can be young enough to reap all the benefits once he shuts down the office (benefits such as staying out late at the hh with younger and hotter office chicks or just a quiet weekend of college football and hitting the driving range or if you have a range then hitting … =>)

    – there is (from what I’ve been told) a greater desire to please or be pleased from the mature berry. Oft overlooked for the younger berry, this mature berry who has been working out at 24 hr fitness and tho still looks about 36 (really 43) his/her body has rebounded from the 2.5 kids and contrary to popular belief or “the look in her eye” she is NOT trying to have any more kids…neither is he.

    – in the event that someone prefers to bring their berries home to live or marry, the mature berry offers immediate and long term benefits – Wine tastes so much better with age – why wait for a young berry to get ripe when you can have great tasting wine now and later.

    #Disclaimer – The views and examples expressed may not reflect the life experiences of soumynona

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