when your night clothes become your morning clothes…

your eyes pop open… it’s 9:27 in the morning…but that’s not your alarm clock…and by the cartoon characters/high thread count these aren’t your sheets…your breath smells like vodka, gimlet juice and recently expired good times…then through that thick musky mouth concoction you’ve been exhaling you then get a whiff of the this sweet familiarly unfamiliar scent…you know you’ve smelt it before, but you can’t remember when or where…after a couple blinking exercises your eyes start to get acclimated to your dimly lit surroundings…you start to stretch your extremities…and while extending your right leg it happens…your big toe clashes into the freshly shaven (or never shaven) calf of the familiar scent’s owner…enter shame…

now it’s all coming back to you…the events of the evening start to trickle back into your brain like water through the roof of harpo’s juke joint…you remember winning with khaled, saying “ahh” with trey s. and most importantly getting wasted with your crew and gucci…but now that brrr is coming from your left leg which has been left uncovered because you posturepedic partner is wrapped up in the blanket like the mummified remains of ramesses ii…you remove your beret…and then wonder where the hell the beret came from…you vaguely remember some of the most erratic drunk jungle humping the world has ever seen…had the discover channel been allowed in with their night vision lenses, the footage would’ve resembled two mal-nourished koalas trying to stay balanced on a full sized eucalyptus tree branch…

but that’s all in the past…your exposed skin levels have far exceeded what your sober mind normally allows for strangers and now you’re looking for the quickest path back to less-nakedness…now the scavenger hunt for familiar articles of clothing ensues…the first 4 things you find, you’re putting on and hoping for the best…now where did i put that beret…

you hear a groggy “do you want some breakfast?” escape from the center of that bed cocoon…you pass…all you want to do is rinse off  your questionable decision making and gargle with some better judgment…you are now clothed enough to escape public indecency charges…you catch a quick glimpse of yourself in the mirror as you prepare for your eventual emergence…it’s funny how an outfit can go from perfect to ridiculous in just a matter of hours…and yes the sunlight changes everything…

you say your awkward goodbyes, collect your final belongings then reach for the door handle…time to face the world…and by face i mean not make any eye contact with it whatsoever…just stepping gingerly grasping tightly to those articles/accessories that were just too complicated to reapply…let that walk o’ shame begin…

but cheer up…there’s no need for shame at all…you’re a winner…not only did you score with a low self esteemed 6 last night…you were the first out of bed this morning …the only first person to correctly reassemble last night’s garments…and right now you are by far the most popular person in the hotel lobby/apartment parking lot/eddie long’s lawn (wait…is it too soon)…

so…ubf…raise your hand if you can remember a post posturepedic partnering pedestrian parade…not all at once…

elrock…i never claimed to be perfect…

IF YOU HAVE A MOMENT, PLEASE COMPLETE THIS QUICK SURVEY (3 minutes max)

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

10 Responses to when your night clothes become your morning clothes…

  1. The D.E.F.I. says:

    Facebook status (of someone who shall remain nameless) early one Saturday morning last November: “Is it still considered a ‘walk-of-shame’ if you’re not ashamed?”

    Nice read. lol @ “all you want to do is rinse off your questionable decision making and gargle with some better judgment”

  2. Anitra says:

    This gem was no doubt inspired by the Black MBA…let me ask you this, what does a men’s walk of shame look like…

  3. Meiko says:

    Yeah I second the notion that this was Black MBA inspired – I watched in unfold.

    lol @ the mummified remains of ramesses ii – I loved that line

  4. sdot says:

    “not only did you score with a low self esteemed 6 last night”…wow, don’t be so hard on yourself…lol

  5. yeah right says:

    Once knew a person that after one such night of copious alcohol consumption that ended in their hotel room, woke up before their co-fornicator (co-f), deleted all pictures of the night before w/ the co-f from the co-f’s camera (no passcodes), checked out of the hotel, and got on a plane…

    Moral of the story: Veteran’s get out before waking up the other, unless they’re trying to get in a morning remix..

  6. Pingback: eddie long…going both ways… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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