let’s play house…

As elrock shared with the class last week, long distance relationships usually lead to more distance between the individuals than long relationships. In the same spirit of relationships and as the #2 relationship expert at ubf, I’m here with a few morsels of vague fodder for the other end of the spectrum. You know that inevitable question all serious couples face on whether to bring another girl into the relationship go green by reducing their carbon footprint through the consolidation of addresses aka “let’s play house”.

In my previous life as a relationship jumper, I had the benefit of not only answering this question with an extra-confident “sure” once but twice. You know the old adage of fool me once shame on you but fool me twice shame on the landlord for making this lease so damn long.

On paper, the idea of shacking up not only makes mathematical sense because of the fact that she is over at my place doubling every conceivable utility bill therefore justifying she put something on it, but we also like it each other so much why would we ever want to go home to our own place. Haha. Love. Isn’t it cute?

Sidenote: In my personal experience, there were actually extraneous circumstances that led to us doubling down on one residence so I don’t want you to think we jumped into it all willy nilly. That statement is strictly for my mom as to this day she continues to feel the need to either start or end the conversation with a solid “I told you so” or “Did you learn your lesson”. More on this in a few.

In my last co-habitation, we had already been dating for a about a year and a half with no real signs of wanting to change our facebook relationship status (yeah serious stuff). Given we already spent 6.5 nights/week at my place, the move seemed like all upside given the extra closet space and additional sink in the new place we selected. Fast forward about 13 months and a renewed lease, we were stuck asking ourselves what now? It wasn’t a bad break-up by any means. I mean outside of her dislike for my beloved banana nut Cheerios, we actually got along pretty well. The issue was that we were not meant to be together based on what each person was looking for in a life sidekick. No harm no foul right? Oh wait…there was a little foul in the form of the remaining 11 months on the lease. While we quickly realized we weren’t the most ideal roommate situation, the fact that we were adults allowed us to come to agreeable terms and go our happy and separate ways. Now would we still be together had we not played house? Probably not as these things tend to come to the surface in due time. However, the fact that said house had been played in left us with more messy strings to tie up than the typical break-up. I was fortunate in that we were both in our right minds but I could imagine how exponentially more difficult it would have been had there been less sanity incorporated into our coupledom.

With that said, I’m not here to say that shacking can’t work as I’ve seen it work in a few examples. Also, I know you independent, strong-minded readers aren’t actually going to listen to my warning and are going to let that love infection drive you to your own disaster decision. Plus this wouldn’t be a ubf post without a list of advice. So here is a list of things that can add approximately 7% improved results to your co-habitation scenario (the other 93% is on you):

ask your mom what she thinks…and actually listen. Your intelligence wasn’t sparked out of nowhere. You are actually half as smart as your mom. Blame your dad. I’ve disagreed with my mom on three occasions in my life. Two of them were related to co-habitation and the other was on getting my ears pierced back in high school. I not only broke up with both girls but also went broke after developing a keloid in my ear that required thousands of dollars of surgery. Forget Bo. Mom knows…

put a ring on it…This can’t guarantee 100% success (trust me I tried) but it does show a higher level of commitment from both sides which is a requirement when being asked to share a DVR…

get two TV setups…This is probably the last thing I realized was included in the shacking up starter pack. Evidently when you are just dating and she comes over to your place, she only watches all the shows you like (insert Entourage, Mad Men, and Modern Family). Little did I know that her place is hiding a DVR filled with shows from Bravo, HGTV, Lifetime, VH1 and all those other channels I asked Time Warner to block. Now trying to cram all of this onto one TV will not only prevent me from watching my shows before they are magically erased but could quite possibly lead to me earning the name of that white undershirt I always wear. The two setups saves the po-po a trip…

move into a new place together…The first argument related to the living arrangements will most likely have to do with the incorrect descriptor attached to the place such as “my” vs. “our” which can be avoided simply by moving into new digs together. Not to mention the fact that the current place doesn’t have enough room which leads me to…

get the needed closet space plus another closet…no matter how much I love someone it does not extend to their lifelong collection of stuff. It isn’t even worth a discussion as I’ll never quite understand why she is still keeping a box of photos from her 8th grade Sadie Hawkins dance and she will never understand the importance of the Sega Dreamcast in the lineage of breakthrough videogame consoles. Save the time and energy and go for at least an extra closet if not more…

don’t expect the worst but plan for it…I’m not saying go for a full on pre-shacking agreement but doing silly things like assuming that you will never need your bedroom set or furniture again simply because she happens to have a nicer version will come back to screw you when you screw that bartender at your favorite bar. Simply getting a storage unit or using a friend’s basement for storage will potentially be the last smart decision. Just joking. About joking…

That concludes this session of ubf each one teach on. Feel free to continue on your paths towards address sharing but do know that we will be standing right next to your mom with that “I told you so” look on our faces.

Any other tips for playing house from those good people of ubf?

onetrik…I play the daddy, you play the momma…with different addresses…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to let’s play house…

  1. tolu says:

    I love living by myself. In fact, I love it so much that I think the only way I could be “happily married” is if my beloved and I got separate, but adjoining, apartments or a two-story situation with an alternate exit for the person living on the top floor. That said, cohabitating scares the ish out of me. Having a roommate, first year college was the last time I had to share living space.

    That said, excellent list (but don’t forget separate bathrooms, which is a must!).

  2. Pingback: better to receive than to give… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  3. Pingback: ubf and 2010 walk into a bar… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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