long distance hate err…love

those that follow us regularly know that i am the in house relationship expert…and by expert i mean that my last relationship lasted about as long as a the rainy season in los angeles…but this doesn’t mean i am completely unfamiliar with the concept…it actually does rain in southern california…a little…

my last scattered shower relationship was a few years back…and it actually started off with a lot of excessive phone bills promise…she had a bright future, a cute nose, a good sense of humor and a mean heel game…no she did not pay me to say any of that (although i wish she would because this coke habit is really starting to choke the life out of my checking account… i jest…i drink pepsi)…basically all the things i tend to look for in women i (like but end up screwing up) date…but what she also had was this weird habit of being 2726 miles away 26 days out of every month…that’s correct…i had signed up for the dreaded (or not so dreaded) long distance relationship…

prior to that, i had been officially single for 5 or 6 years (i lost count)…silly me…thinking that the best way to break a hiatus from the relationship world was to sign up for a part time lover…this method probably works well if you plan on only being part time committed, but i had decided to trade all my chips in for a shot at unadulterated happiness with a side of fidelity…and it worked…for about 7.5 weeks…or about as long as my work travel schedule conveniently dropped me off on the east coast every other weekend…suddenly the work travel budget dried up…then i woke up one morning and realized the universe had slipped in over night and replaced my unadulterated happiness with a milder version mixed with a little doubt…she was still the same person i fell in like with, but the gravity of the situation i signed up for really started to set in…

in the vein of shared learning, here are some of the things that i either wish i would’ve thought more about or would recommend for anyone currently considering signing up for bi/tri-weekly, monthly, quarterly conjugal visits:

don’t do it…unless you really really really really want to…but you better be sure…

establish a strong foundation…for the long distance relationships that i’ve personally known to be successful, they all either didn’t become long distance until after month 6, were based on  some long standing friendship or were properly supported by a religious desire to practice celibacy in advance of some future nuptial exchange…

know yourself…this was perhaps my biggest issue…having been sans an officially titled relationship for the better part of my 20’s, i really underestimated all the work that would be required to  don that relationship uniform once again…i also did a particularly poor job of anticipating how much my day to day (night to night) activities would need to be altered to protect my embryonic telephone cuddle fest…i basically had to stop hanging out with any chick that i wasn’t absolutely certain that i would never sleep with…i just had a feeling that seeing any one of them 2 – 3 times between boo visits could be twouble twooublle…

get a “positive disposition” calendar…your desire to be alone (which most people have from time to time) can never overlap with visitation weekend…

extra connectivity…get a lot of anytime minutes, unlimited text messaging, a comfortable home phone, unlimited long distance plan and strong fingers…for dialing of course…

have a game plan…it is my inclination that these situations tend to work better when they have another element that mine was missing…a light at the end of the tunnel…you should have a date on the calendar that you can look to to remind yourself that the distance is only temporary…e.g. “as soon as i graduate we can…”, “once this promotion goes through then we will…”, “once my parole is granted you can…” etc etc….

there you have it…i still suggest local dating (although i haven’t yet perfected that either) but should you find that special someone in the want ads of another city, peek back at this list…

anybody out there have better luck with the long distance thing than i did…any other words of advice from the ubf community…each one teach one…

elrock…these are my confessions…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

13 Responses to long distance hate err…love

  1. tolu says:

    I agree. LDRs are a bad idea.

    This is your best post yet. It’s the most personally revealing of all your posts. Keep it up!

  2. Sleee-to-the-J says:

    2 yrs…..more money spent than I care to count (I actually did the spreadsheet, and I could’ve paid off my student loan, not that I actually would with a .00000002 IR), club miles on an airline that I would never fly unless I want to return to that god-foresaken city, and multiple missed opportunities to enjoy female friends of hers in MY city. “Don’t Do it” and “after month 6” are the only items that matter. If it requires more than a trip with VAMOOSE or Amtrack…fugettabout it.

    • morningjoi says:

      “more money spent than I care to count (I actually did the spreadsheet, and I could’ve paid off my student loan”

      See, now that stops me dead in my tracks. I did the LDR once, but we’d been in the same city for a year before I left. And the goal was to end up in the same city when he finished grad school. Atlanta to Chicago was pretty cheap/easy, & most of my travel was on my job’s tab. I can honestly say that we broke up because we didn’t work as a couple, not b/c of the distance. But would I do it again? Negative… at least not for any extended length of time. If I feel that serious about you, we WILL be in the same city. Just let me pack my stuff right quick… Otherwise, it was nice knowing you/us.

  3. SdotKikko says:

    The gold mine here: “positive disposition” calendar.

  4. Pingback: let’s play house… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  5. mboogie says:

    i do love this post…and i co-sign on soooo much of it b/c i always do LDR’s…

    le sigh…

    perhaps most important of your advice: ‘know yourself’…this is key! Forget about the romance movies and the sappy songs… somtimes ‘ish dont work out…we are all not meant for long distance love to work out…

  6. minu757 says:

    That was ill.

    Plain & Simple.

    I’m glad I stumbled across this. I gotta stay posted on the new stuff.

    Peace.

  7. osmar says:

    Hi!
    How did you got this pic from this post? It’s an app or something?
    Nice tips!
    Thanks!

  8. diana1604 says:

    I agree. For me, the jealousy, the possessiveness (mine) and the suspicions (from my side) would kill me. I couldn’t do it unless it is temporary.
    Btw, communication over long distance sucks. So many misunderstanding arises when two people are not face to face and cannot read each other’s signals.

  9. Charlene says:

    Great post with a image that is a nice compliment. Like close distance relationships, I think there are no hard and fast rules. Similar to mboogie, I think “The Know Your Self” guideline seems critical for success or at least earnest efforts. I am a “survivor” of sorts of the LDR…the “strong foundation” was a critical element.

    Sidenote: hanging with other women multiple times per week seems like it could be problematic in a committed relationship TO ME (I know my self and that would not work). But I know opinions differ…..I am sure ya’ll have a post about this one.

  10. Sheila says:

    the problem with this is youre not even sure what you really want. i dont agree with this at all ive been in one and were happily engaged now been together 7 years so they can work you just have to make it work its not about tips its about being in love and doing everything you can for them…question is are you even willing to try to make it work?

    • yeah…probably not…and i can definitely own that piece of it…i believe it can work if someone is as committed as you seem to be…but i have to ask…do you ever wonder if that 7 years could’ve been 2-3 if that distance wasn’t playing 3rd wheel in your relationship…i mean, the kids could’ve been washing dishes by now…

  11. This is definitely an interesting topic that always raises strong opinions… I was in a LDR myself for 3 years, and it was hard but paid off. Now we’re living together (so I can’t say if we would’ve made it if we had to stay LD longer). However I’m now a part of a team where we’re actually developing a new web/mobile service to facilitate LDRs.

    If you have any ideas for what the service would have or want to discuss this in any detail check out our site and feel free to contact us. We’re also looking for guest writers to our blog to write about long distance relationship experieces…

    Closerr in Facebook

    Best.
    -Karri

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