cotton candy sucks…

As the title suggests, you won’t ever find me enjoying the excessively sugary snack known as cotton candy. The sight of it actually makes my stomach turn. This proves unfortunate when: 1) at any carnival like activity that feels the necessity to arm every sub-13 yr old with as much of the bright colored treat as possible while strategically placing them on my path to the tilt-a-whirl; 2) any time the Katy Perry video for California Gurls comes on. Even my love for tilt-a-whirl and cali girls is no match for my disdain for cotton candy. Sad but true.

How did I end up with this pre-pubescent nightmare as an adult?

Well surprisingly my dislike is not rooted in the fact that I somehow picked up a case of the ‘betes in my late 20s (however candy and all other disciples of the sugar food group are the devil’s spawn…wait sugar isn’t a food group? This explains a lot.) Evidently at an early age I found it necessary to not heed the parental warnings of stopping half way through the second helping of pink cushy goodness. As you can imagine, my young stomach was not too happy with this decision and in turn delivered me a night spent cuddled with a bucket giving back what was now neither pink nor cushy nor goodness. From that day forward, I incorrectly cast cotton candy off of my dietary island when it turns out I was actually the victim of a common mistake: too much of a good thing.

Now many years later, I’ve noticed that this important life lesson actually applies to many other scenarios. In ubf’s continual effort of improving lives, I’m here today to share some of those valuable tidbits of insight. All of the following in manageable quantities are quite good and even enjoyable but the minute you cross over into that glutton section the party comes to an end, friendship rings are returned, mortgage payments are spent on rented couches, youtube classic videos are made and alibis are required for your activities of the preceding day:

+ Shots! Shots! Shots! – while the song implies that this is a good idea, anyone that has made it to the second repeat of the hook can tell you that bad decisions are in the on deck circle. No matter the occasion, you will find yourself tucked in by lost memories to only be awakened by regret and denial (which is a lost cause thanks to modern technology such as flip cameras).

+ Dimples – this dominant trait typically yields an amazing first impression but when witnessed in excess (beneath a female’s knickerbockers) that impression is not only wasted but replaced by a certain urge for dairy products. However when combined with the first example, a 3-5 hour grace period is applied without said drawbacks.

+ Fellas’ night out – regardless of your relationship status, a night with the crew hitting the local hot spots is a needed activity. The issue is that once your crew goes from a rowing crew to America’s Best Dance crew the likelihood of entry is amazingly linked the number in front of the comma you plan on shelling out that evening. The easiest workaround tends to be inserting equal parts female to the group but that intrinsically defeats the purpose of said guys’ night out.

+ Kid photos – as a proud Uncle of two nephews and a niece, I can relate to the proud moments of all you parents out there sharing your offspring’s major accomplishments via Facebook. But actually creating what resembles a profile for your 18 month old is both excessive and disturbing. If I wanted to see kids that much, I’d pull the goalie.

+ Soulja Boy – being able to “crank that” at your high school reunion was THE highlight of ’07 (including supermaning that former captain of the cheerleading squad) but this “artist” has officially swagged his way through more than his allotted 15 minutes of shine. Where is an old school Nintendo reset button when you need it?

+ Girls that like girls – securing a significant other that enjoys a fine evening at your neighborhood gentleman’s club is not only a bonus but damn near bragging material. Unfortunately, the minute that you realize you are sitting in her reserved seats given her frequent patronage (sans your attendance), you begin to realize your role in this scenario more closely resembles A-T-M than P-I-M-P.

Those are just the few that came to my mind. What else would you say is tainted once consumed in the XXL quantity?

onetrik…campaign for a know when to say when america…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

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