how to please a man…

Or more appropriately, how to please this man…I’m guessing there may be a few similarities for the other gents out there (or this could have been a series of text messages to a select few people) but if a particular suggestion doesn’t work just tell him onetrik likes it…

The homie morningjoi put out an open request for someone to cover this often discussed but rarely succinctly answered topic. The following ramblings are my attempt to please her requests with insightful ways to please that special king in your life.

Key point: He can only be a king if he treats you like a queen. Executing any of the following on a Jester will not help magically trade him up.

So how do you please a man:

+ keep him on his toes – as a man with a regimented/scheduled life, I crave spontaneity…I rarely get it so a woman that brings it in her overnight bag will not only get to stay that night but also make breakfast in the am…lucky her…this does range from activities to moods (bad moods not included)…not every night should be a hugged up movie night sharing a bag of low fat chips with her on the left side laying on my shoulder as I prop my left foot up on the coffee table…need proof of this…I like my job but it is a routine and you see what I look like when I have to go see it..on Monday…every Monday…

+ brag to your friends about him – it feels good to hear “I heard you just ran a PR on your last race” or “I heard you got promoted” or “I heard you beat the mess out of that 12 yr old  that was talking ish in Madden the other day” or whatever accomplishment I’m proud of when I have to manufacture small talk with your gossip girls best friends…it will not only make me enjoy those times hanging out with your friends but it feels good to know you were also proud enough of me that it broke through the usual girl-talk sessions…

+ scratch his head – this isn’t a metaphor…I mean this literally…as you hopefully know, it doesn’t take a full on skin smacking session to make me feel good physically…a full body massage isn’t even required because your grip isn’t that firm and it feels more like a tickle and being tickled is not manly so we both lose…just reach over and scratch my scalp or my back or even my forearm the next time we are watching tv…I guarantee I don’t move regardless of what HGTV show you tricked me into watching…oh and the metaphor works as well for those scoring at home…

+ help him unwind – instead of asking me how my day was (as you do everyday)…ask if there is anything you can do to help me unwind from work…the only day that I want to come home and talk about work is the day that I get a raise/promotion/bonus…on the other 225+ days of the year nothing worth mentioning happened so let’s talk about something that will actually not remind me of the last 10 hrs (or the upcoming 10 hrs) of work I just sat through…my unwinding usually takes the form of tomfoolery or nonsense so be warned that any serious discussions should be postponed to at least 3 hours post work or best case scenario the weekend…

+ work it out – join me for a workout…it doesn’t have to be a gym session of back and deltoids as that isn’t very attractive…but something as simple as a light jog or going to the park to play h.o.r.s.e.…a girl in athletic apparel (preference Nike) is very attractive…an athletic girl in athletic apparel is on her way to stealing my heart…not only do we get to spend more time together but we are also being healthy and improving our physical appearance…not to mention we’ll both need to shower when we get back home…win win in my book…

+ R.E.S.P.E.C.T. – while I appreciate all the love you show me daily, nothing will ever make me feel like more of a man than your respect…this can be respect on small things like not questioning if I know where I’m going and just enjoying the very scenic route…or the big stuff like remaining by my side through any life-altering situations (e.g. job loss, family issues, favorite athlete retiring)…the biggest opportunity to show your respect for me is in front of others…that also means it is the biggest chance to screw this one up and guarantee yourself the longest recorded instance of the quiet game on the way home…

I purposely glossed over some of the more traditional answers like cooking (the smell of good food mixed with the sight of a beautiful women usually leads to a text to my boys telling them I’m getting out of the game) and cleaning (coming home to folded draws will definitely add 8 minutes to sexy time) but they probably work for the majority of gents as well. I’ll give elrock the weekend to put together his contributions to this list for Monday’s post. But in the meantime, what other areas can your lady step up her pleasing game ubf? Also, any ladies out there willing to do all of this?

onetrik…if you don’t know now you know…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

10 Responses to how to please a man…

  1. Marcie says:

    As a new subscriber, I love the way I read a blog and “magically” get transported (via hyperlinks) to several former blogs…often spending much more time than planned enjoying and laughing at the sheer com-e-dy in print. Thanks for a great Friday morning laugh and smile. Enjoy the weekend…rather your football games, lmao.

  2. felicia says:

    Loved this! Very insightful! Thanks!

    I didn’t notice until my recent bf that men do not like to talk about work. I’m always asking my man, so how was your day, what happened at work? And I always get the same answer, fine, nothing.

    I’m not sure if this is more appropriate for another post or if you can answer here, but can you elaborate on WHY MEN DON’T LIkE TO TALK ABOUT WORK?

    *thx

    • if you don’t mind we are going to tuck that one away for another day and time…hopefully you can avoid asking the bf that question until we come back with the answer…crossing fingers on your behalf…

  3. Tennie says:

    Assuming I had a man… I would do all of the above… & then some. Hell, I did last go round… & anytime someone was more to me than just a “source,” if I might say so somewhat discretely. I like the PG13 nature of your blog… but I’m grown enough to know that there is some omitted R, NC17, & XXX (I read between the lines just like I color outside of the lines) within your paragraphs…

    Nonetheless, very enjoyable my friends…

  4. lemsky says:

    in the same thread, my boy posted on his blog about a month ago “how to keep a man.” no offense boys, but his was far more succinct than yours and therefore easier to follow-through on. however, i think you’re coming to the same conclusion.

    for your reading pleasure…

    “You want to know how to keep a man? It’s very very simple. Be his best friend, his lover and his mistress. That third one is the doozy, but it’s probably the hardest to figure out and the most important.”

    courtesy of http://www.stuckeythewriter.blogspot.com

    • it’s definitely more succinct but i’d question whether or not it’s actionable…all of those things are necessary for an effective relationship, but the problem is we’d have a difficult time agreeing on what they all mean…so we decided to do all we could to remove the guess work. so you can spend less time figuring out what i require from my best friend and more time not asking me about work…hence parts 1(fri) and 2(mon) plus a bonus focused on sexy time…

  5. Pingback: how to please a man…pt deux… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  6. TT says:

    Funny. I hadn’t even read this before I commented on the other chic-on-the side blog. Seems like I was pretty on point…which doesn’t surprise me since I’m such a pimp.

    Some guys like to be asked how there day was. And if they don’t want to alk about it, we just don’t. No harm no foul. that means it’s time to make him a drink…

    And scalp-licking is enjoyable too. Not because of the Spike Lee movie, but because it really is.

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