got single? pt 1…get a better claw…

For those of you not up on your CNN game, you missed a data filled report released a few weeks back on the amount of single people in the country. I’ll take a quick refill break to let you go read it.

“Mm. I love scotch. I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down. Down into my belly. Mm-mm-mm.”

The good news is you aren’t alone in your singledom. The bad news is you aren’t alone in your singledom. I was actually surprised to read that there were 88 men for 100 single women. Once you factor in all of Tiger’s chics (athletes in general), the homewreckers (insert your favorite R&B singer) focused on men outside of the 88 and Ellen, I’d say we are pretty much 1 to 1 in most cases which means there is a chance. And ubf is all about improving chances.

Given my over-indexing exposure to those 48 million or so single women (draw your own conclusions), I’ve put together my own thoughts on what you can do to join the 57% of Americans in happily ever after with the white picket fence and what not.

Today I’ll focus on one of those: Get a better claw.

You know that crane game with the claw and stuffed animals? Well I’m the best at it. No really. I have the intercontinental belt and everything. How did I gain such a prestigious title? It is all in the technique. Leveraging the ridiculous amounts of physics classes I’ve taken in my academic life, I’m able to find the stuffed animal least hindered by other stuffed animals and directly beneath the claw’s grab. Makes sense, right? The only issue with this useless skill is that I tend to win the most awful stuffed animals ever seen by man. Really who wants the mickey mouse knockoff with one ear longer than the other, holes in his gloves, and seven rat toes? Obviously I do because I continue to jam $0.50 in the machine trying to “win” it.

Don’t laugh. This is actually what some of you are doing when agreeing to go on dates (or worse off trying to select a mate – another post for another day). You are finding yourself with the guy that requires the least amount of effort no matter if you actually want him. Consider it your own real world mickey mouse knockoff. Congrats.

Whether it be going through the motions of courting simply to go on a date or settling on him because he was persistent in his bombardment of your voice/text message plan, this is never going to end well. Why? Well you may not realize this, but guys have no perception of our true rating (present company included) and the only way to gauge it is based on the women (and their accompanying ratings) that agree to go out with us. For example, if I’m a 7 and you are a 9, I receive an instant upgrade to your elite status (in my mind) the minute you agree to go out with me resulting in my actions being affected accordingly. The major problem with this buddy-system upgrade (outside of the negative ramifications on the larger dating eco-system) is that I’m bringing my 7-like behavior with me into your 9-status club which will most likely cause issues sooner than later.

Now imagine if we change the numbers slightly, making me a 5 and you an 8. The magnitude of the discrepancy is disproportionately increased. In other words, no bueno for you.  All of a sudden, you are calling your girls talking about “Let me tell you what this fool just did” with attached 5-like activity cited as the example. Leading to you swearing off dating and saying there are no good guys out there. All of that because your claw sucks.

Now you are probably saying to yourself, it isn’t your fault that there are only 5s and 6s out there. Well lucky for you, this isn’t like my upcoming fantasy football draft. You are allowed (and encouraged) to sit out rounds. Save some of those quarters so you can use your improved claw when it matters.

Any questions?

Stay tuned for future posts on your singledom.

onetrik…aka mr. intercontinental crane game champ…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

7 Responses to got single? pt 1…get a better claw…

  1. Tolu says:

    Okay, so in light of the stats, men:women, 88:100

    What do you think of this:

    ” [Paraphrasing] Sex ratio is the number of men per 100 reproductive-age women within a specified mating pool. In imbalanced sex ratio societies, the more numerous sex will lower their standards, to facilitate acquisition of a partner of the less numerous sex. However, when women outnumber men, men will lower their standards to secure more short-term matings, whereas women will raise their standards to avoid deception by men seeking short-term relationships.”

    I saw this in a news article a few days back and managed to track down the actual study which i’m currently reading. Curious what you guys think of it.

    • based on general observations seen while consuming bottles…i would venture to say that men lower their standards for short-term mating in all scenarios…as far as women, those that can have high standards will have high standards in all scenarios…it is those that either are unaware of their ability to do this that we (including you) are here to help…

      • Tolu says:

        I agree all the way that men will always lower their standards for short term mating (lmao, pure truth)

        but as far as
        –“women who can have high stds” always having them, and the
        — “women uncertain of their abilities”

        i’m pretty stumped. Not completely, it’s just that so many variables can skew an outcome in a general dating scenario it’s hard for me to draw a generalization on this one (and you know i love generalizations). This is a tricky one. i’ll give it some thought and then check back.

  2. Ms Patna lemme upgrade you doesn't work says:

    I agree with this article… & I’ve learned from experience… Women Don’t Date Down… aside from the person acting like a duck b/c they’re a duck… it’s equally frustrating for both parties-one will feel like they can never measure up (which is very demoralizing) & the other will feel like they are putting in too much work for little return (also demoralizing)–long term & possibly short term equals failure. Additionally, the extent of damage is LARGELY based on who is the ‘5’ & who is the ‘8’… women can be more willing to ‘improve’… it’s obvious by the endless self-help books, beauty products, blogs where men r giving women advice on how to find a man :)), etc. that focus and thrive on female customers… & would not be as prevalent or lucrative if targeting male customers… stay with me… so the point is… get very clear on what you plan to deal with for the next 30 or so of your ‘good years’ and date THAT guy… he will not change (promise:) … else you’re just wasting time or having fun… whichever way you choose to see it…

  3. Bridgette says:

    Lol!!! Brilliant!!! Soooooo true!!

  4. Pingback: got single? pt. 2…blame Fox TV… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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