grown by the weekend…

there comes a time in every man’s life when he wants to dirty dance with someone other than himself… in order to make that happen you have to make sure you have removed most if not all of the barriers that currently have you stuck “in manual”…let’s assume you’re a late bloomer and are still struggling to garner the attentions of the fairer sex… onetrik poked you in the eyes a few weeks ago with a list of lame dude don’ts so we thought it only fair to hit you with a few easy steps you can take to have your sexual revolution extend past the doors of your mother’s basement…so step number

1 – …move out of your mother’s basement…unless you or your mother have some medical condition that requires you 2 to cohabitate, you might want to consider releasing the teet and changing your address…

2 – get a pair of versatile casual shoes…anyone that knows us, knows, knows the sneaker game is feverish…and that’s cool but you must also have some shoes to wear places that have cloth napkins  and fork options or spots that require their bouncers to wear something more than “security” t-shirts and muscles…oh and work…unless you work at nike or some place that requires you to dodge grease spots all shift…the way i look at it, those jordan’s bring me smiles but those johnson & murphy’s bring me jordan’s…

3 – score a nice cologne…doesn’t have to be super expensive…ask the lady at the fragrance counter to pick one that moves her…then ask her to dinner…then ask for your eggs scrambled with cheese…on second thought…go with the pancakes until they can get this salmonella thing cleared up…

4 – cop a suit…a regular suit with no more than 3 buttons in a color that’s found in the 8 pack of crayons (although that’s still probably 5 crayons too much)…it’s like 3 outfits in 1…again you don’t have to go super expensive…macy’s has a one day sale at least 3 times a week…you can also check tj maxx if you’re balling on a tighter budget…just make sure your pants legs are the same length before you leave…

5 – don’t get stuck too far on either side of that wardrobe spectrum…we tend to focus on those cats that let their street dreams dress them every morning, but there is that other segment of the population that can’t seem to connect with casual…the guy whose idea of dressing down is rocking dad jeans, braided belts, church shoes and a polo tucked in so far his shirt tail is jockeying with the top of those thick/thin church socks for position…

6 – nice sheets…the higher the thread count, the more difficult they are to get out of in the morning…and i assure you any overnight guest would agree…that makes every side the right side of the bed…congratulations, you’ll be the guy glowing by the water cooler at work tomorrow…

7 – the thought that success only comes in some horizontal format…after you’ve been through the exercise a few times you’ll eventually end up realizing that there are much better ways to gauge opposite sex success…..

–please remember that absolutely none of this works on bottle rats…they only respect the bottle…

so aside from the relocation part, the rest of these you might be able to rectify by the weekend…which means with any luck you may also be able to avoid that unneeded bout with skin magazine induced carpal tunnel…so ubf fam…this list was intended to be short and sweet, but what are some other quick wins a guy can jump on to secure himself a “grown man in training”  patch…

elrock…i’m not a writer i just blog a lot…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to grown by the weekend…

  1. TT says:

    Buy some Orbitz….and own at least 1 Donnie Hathaway (or similar) cd.

  2. Very good suggestions! A few others….A. Learn how to correctly open a bottle of wine, so that your date doesn’t have to drink Muscorko. B. If you are lucky enough to allow a lady to accompany you at your pad, be sure to have some nice aroma in the air, ie, an infusor is always attractive and sends a wow factor-especially Vanilla-which is still manly enough to be at a dude’s crib…or go to Bath and Body works to buy their plug ins, BUT maybe hide them somewhere-they are pretty girly lol. Candles are good but dangerous and last but not least, Glade plug ins would do the trick if she’s coming over in 30 minutes and you didn’t get to read this comment until now. They sell them at your local gas station. You can thank me later :-)
    C. Wisk, trident-tropical flavor, or certs should ALWAYS be on deck. Nothing like a good smelling dude who’s breath you can smell from a mile a way-I call it “come and talk to me” breath. These should help.

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