the sleepover…

Whether it was your freshmen year of college (sorry for you hbcu folks that had strict dorm policies) or when you got your first place (shame on you 28+ folks still waiting on this), the chance to spend the entire night with your partner in lust seemed like an amazing idea.

While I do enjoy sharing my sheets (or her sheets if the thread count is high enough) with a PYT as much as the next ubf’er, the disappointing news is that the concept of a sleepover beats the actual reality 11 out of 10 times.

Said another way, the concept of the sleepover is too idealistic. I blame porn (for the guys) and romcoms (for the ladies).

We’ll first look at the ideal sleepover thanks to porn. A night filled with limitless sexy time and Gatorades (for hydration of course) trying every possible scenario/position/fantasy. Sounds amazing huh? Sorry guys but you have a better chance seeing a leprechaun on a unicorn win the Kentucky Derby.

Don’t laugh ladies. Your idea of a sleepover courtesy of romcoms isn’t that more realistic. A night filled with passionate sexy time followed by a romantic staring contest that ends with you both falling asleep at the exact same time only to wake as the sun comes up creating a picture perfect moment to start the process all over. Sounds about right huh? Wrong again. Ladies you have a better chance of meeting Idris Elba at the Kentucky Derby while a leprechaun on a unicorn wins. In other words, it ain’t happening.

But why isn’t the reality of the sleepover more like the idea?

I’m glad you asked. I just so happen to have ten answers right here in this blog post.

1)      Sexy time has a limit. I’m not here to crash any hopes and dreams but sexy time is not meant or even capable of nearing infinity. I’m not saying it will be commercial break long but you can probably pause your favorite episode of the real housewives. And who are we kidding? Do you really want that much boot knocking? I’m going to venture to guess that your man is either competent enough or too selfish to make it last that long. Here’s to hoping it is the former.

2)      Limbs fall asleep. No matter how perfect you think the two of you are for each other, I guarantee that you can’t form any sort of position that allows you to sleep through the night all cuddled up. At least not without him waking up needing Tommy John surgery.

3)      They haven’t invented dual climate beds yet. While we happily coexist in the car thanks to dual climate control, this amazing feature has yet to make it to the house and definitely not the bedroom. This coupled with the fact that he’s a cool dude (71 degrees or so) and she is a hot chic (79 degrees) makes for someone having to be uncomfortable for the better part of these nocturnal olympics.

4)      Just like the airport, you are limited to one personal item and one carry on. His lodgings were not meant to accommodate all the resources needed by you to prepare for the next day. While you can stash a tooth brush and pair of draws over at his place, the curling iron, flattening iron, body wahs, loofah, makeup box, etc. are a little much for his one bedroom condo. He isn’t trying to start a bed and breakfast.

5)      Your head wrap. He appreciates the function of it but the minute you put that on any ideas of romantic, sexy, or seduction are a wrap as well.

6)      You steal covers. He’s not asking for a lot of coverage as we already discussed the difference in climate preferences but a piece of a sheet would be nice from time to time. Not to mention you spend the night all rolled up in your Egyptian sheet cocoon but wake up looking nothing like a butterfly.

7)      One of you snores, talks, or moves while sleeping. You don’t realize it because you are always asleep but the mini-movies you put on (soundtrack included) are quite distracting. Surprisingly her dream guy becomes a nightmare that she can’t sleep through.

8)      Morning breath. Do we even need to discuss this one?

9)      The morning boo boo. While you are his boo, he usually likes to start his mornings with his boo boo. You’re probably not going to be a fan of his needed use of the fan and febreeze when you are trying to get in the bathroom for a shower. And don’t complicate the matter by acting like you don’t ever do it stank booty lil lady.

10)   Work. Hopefully one of you is planning on going the next day (weekends aside). It isn’t really that cute for you to spend your entire Tuesday with your head propped up by a combination of your hand and lattes.

I may have skipped a couple trying to keep the list to ten so what else would you add? What keeps you from spending the night with that special someone?

onetrik…aka mr. bed for one…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to the sleepover…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention the sleepover… « Us, Bottles, and Friends --

  2. The D.E.F.I. says:

    Too true, man. The only thing I could add to the list would be that, unless you’re in a huge house/apt. with multiple bathrooms, one or both of you are going to be incovenienced the next morning when it’s time to get ready for work. If one person works earlier (or the other just doesn’t work), then that person has to try to shower, shave, do their hair, curse at the other under their breath, etc. without waking up the one still in bed. Which rarely works. And if you both work and have a similar time table, then you face the age old physics problem of two objects trying to occupy the same bathroom space at once. Just doesn’t work.

  3. tolu says:

    easy solution to the covers situation

  4. Ms Bed Is More Comfy says:

    I agree… a woman shouldn’t want to be over at a guy’s place that isn’t her husband all the time… keep him asking you to come over… come over, leave, & don’t have sex sometimes, have sex & leave immediately, call in the middle of the night to come over for sex & leave… and also boot him out when he comes over to your place… I’m telling you … this stuff works if he really likes you… & if he doesn’t then you’re still less likely to get caught up…

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