no closer in the bullpen…

A few weeks ago with no real sports on Sportscenter, I overheard the analysts talking about baseball teams working to get an improved closer for their bullpen prior to the trade deadline. I’m not a baseball fan. I’d much rather watch my grass grow without men standing on it waiting on a ball to fall from the sky into their oversized glove. However despite my limited interest in this supposed sport, I couldn’t help but see the similarity in their team strategy and an optimal dating strategy.

Non-sports people work with me for a second. It will all make sense in about 133 words. I promise.

At the end of games when a team is winning and the final decision is all but over, they go to their closing pitcher to get those final outs putting the other team out of their misery and moving on to the next big game…hence the importance of a good closer…more wins, less drama…

In the sport of dating, mature and responsible individuals do the exact same thing (take note of those carefully chosen descriptors to be visited later). When the outcome of the game interaction is already determined for one of the involved parties, they should go to their bullpen close the situation such that the other individual doesn’t continue to believe they have a chance in the game to elevate the interaction beyond its current state…more wins, less drama…

Make sense? Good.

After I realized this similarity, I also came to the realization that my closer sucks.

No really…some (and you know who you are) would even say I don’t even have a closer and have had to borrow the closer from their team at times. This actually concerned me as I’d like to see the words “mature” and “responsible” next to my name or at least in the same sentence without any form of “not”, “ir-”, “im-” or “hells naw” in the vicinity.

I would guess that I’m not alone in this realization but in case I am, please excuse me as I had to figure this out for myself.

Why is it so hard to have a good dating closer?

+ For starters, I don’t want to be the bad guy that has to tell her thanks for coming out for the team but we don’t really need your services anymore. Ok maybe that isn’t the exact wording but 99.7% of the time I’ve had this conversation, the following question is “Why?” and that is the beginning of the not so nice part. So there we have mature battling nice and unfortunately nice usually wins out because…

+ I assume there will come a time where I have an easy out. Whether it is a trap I’ve set (yes I’ve done it…stop judging) or one she created on her own, there will come a time where the proverbial poo hits the revolving blades. Insert opportunity for me to not be the bad guy and still get my freedom papers walking away from the situation throwing the deuces scratch-free (figuratively and literally – evidently ladies are biting dudes these days)…

+ In other cases, I don’t think she’s the one but I’m not quite ready to lay out rocks for kicking. Reasons vary but it is always related to her super power. Yes all women (I date) have a super power (if not multiple ones) that keep me coming back (If you are 25+ and don’t know your super power(s)…#fail). Whether she is the culinary cutie, buxom beauty, freakin’ freak, hilarious honey  or intellectual interest, the super power is tough to walk away from because…

+ My prototype (post coming on this waiting period in the near future) isn’t here yet. I’m not sure if there was a mix-up in the mailroom or hold up at customs but her ETA is not now so I’ll let the current keep the chair warm for the eventual. I’m horrible I know…

But knowing is half the battle or the war is won when you know or some other bad advice single people give other single people…so I’ve taken this realization and tried to up my awesome in the mature/responsibility category by bringing my closer up to speed for those cases when it he is needed.

Pray for me ubf.

What about you? Do you have trouble bringing out the closer? What are your reasons?

Or on the flipside, have you realized you were involved with someone that didn’t have a closer? Do tell us about it or at least post a picture of the no-closer-having summa…

onetrik…aka mr. a baseball-free america…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to no closer in the bullpen…

  1. tolu says:

    I’m pretty honest. My most recent closer: “I don’t see myself dating you. Your life is too messy for me [two kids, chsup, etc.] But you’re sexy as hell and I’d like to f’ you.”. Who can say no to that? (We did that for about 4 months and still do when I feel like it.)

    As far as men’s closers. I’ve learned to read in between the lines. I don’t expect any man to be honest and upfront. Guys aren’t capable of it. (And who the hell asks why? That’s strange.). If he’s not calling, that’s enough notice for me.

  2. Puff says:

    “… 99.7% of the time I’ve had this conversation, the following question is “Why?” and that is the beginning of the not so nice part.”


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