operation heart recovery…

i know…you can’t believe that it’s over…you gave it the good ole college try…and he hit you with a community college partially transferable effort…it pains you to think about it, but deep down…way deep down…deeper than all that crazy ish you’re thinking right now, you know it’s for the best…now you’re sitting there with all this extra time on your hands…time that use to be spent arguing or going through his phone…now you’re pleading with yourself not to call him…well have no fear, we’ve got a few things you can do to help ease the pain of that break up and get you on the path to the life after…

ladies, here’s what you do:

– find your good glasses and fill one with a little of that bad liquid…nothing too bad…something between wine and syrup…tonight might be a night for Smirnoff Ice…not enough to send you weeping wildly into the streets…just enough to take the edge off…

– the next thing you need to do is fire up the ipod to run through that break-up play list just one last time…go ahead and induce that epic catharsis…make sure your eyes and the cheek skin directly below them are thoroughly cleansed…

– then you need to hide your phone…the more times you look at it, the more apt you are to pick it up, type something stupid and become the source of his entertainment that particular evening…

– time to shift to that feel good music…something up beat…dancing in september…really, who can be upset when that’s on…

– next you can go through and cut his picture out of all of your albums…and i don’t mean physically so get those scissors away from your computer..

– sniff him out…smell is the strongest sense linked to memory so if the ex has left his man musk in the crib you’ve got to purge that as well…if you’ve got good insurance….just got ahead and set the place on fire…or i guess you could just mop or burn some popcorn…

– spend some time recapping some of the things your hatin-est girlfriend had to say about him…yeah i know they’re dating now but she probably meant them when she said it…

– ah ah(verbally smacking your hand)…put that phone down…and stop going to his facebook page seeing how much fun he seems to be having without you…

– now it’s time to go to that happy place…the mall, the nail salon, my house…just throwing it out there…

– whilst you cop red bottoms or listen to the nail ladies discuss your dating life in chinese you can start to mentally piece together your rebound criteria…if you need help go to the link above that says “those guys”…that should provide you some guidance…take your time…this part is tricky…you don’t want to compound your problems by linking up with some cat with a chemical imbalance…but at least have an idea how your dennis rodman looks …

now rinse and repeat…about 27 more times…broken hearts take time…

fellows, here’s what you do:

ummm…soo…yeah…want to play some madden…

this is obviously a tedious and time consuming process…and i’m sure as enlightened as i am about heart recovery, i probably left some steps out…ladies…how do you dust off that heart to get it ready for the next round…fellows…umm yeah…i got some hennessy…

elrockjr…i just know things…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

2 Responses to operation heart recovery…

  1. beazy says:

    dancing in september…ha

  2. Tolu says:

    when the hell are you guys going to get a “like/love” button?

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