don’t flatter yourself…

****please allow us to introduce our second guest and first time contributor, shinygreen, to ubf****

As a true homiette to UBF and others, I often get the honor of hearing all the fascinating stories of the countless women my homies encounter and how crazy, psycho, thirsty and many other adjectives these women are as the men remain noble and perfect.  Fellas, I know you think you are the King of your girl’s life but until you have succeeded in putting a ring on it…you are a Duke at best…but most likely more like the court jester.  The circles of women you see sitting around multiple glasses of martini’s giving each other high-fives…they’re laughing at you and not with you…painful to hear…I know.

Now normally I wouldn’t do this…and I might be a traitor to my gender…but I’m gonna break the boys off with a little common female knowledge…because that is what a true homiette does…

The damsel in distress:  Most women move off to college when they turn 18 to never return home again…fast forward 8 to 10 years when she meets you…and we should all make the assumption that this is not the first time she’s needed a ride to the airport, her drain got clogged or her tire went flat.  While she can most likely change the tire herself or use her womanly ways to get an unsuspecting gentleman walking past to do it…she calls you.  So that you can beat your chest and hear yourself roar or whatever else it is you do to feel like “the man” because contrary to popular belief…just because you don’t understand her…doesnt mean she doesn’t understand you…she just thinks it’s silly…or immature…or wonders why the girl before her didn’t train you better…sorry only a woman will get that last point…remember I said a little female knowledge not ALL the female knowledge…

The M-Word:  I have no idea how men walk across this earth and meet women every day for 25 plus years and are just now figuring out that 8 out of 10 women want to get married.  Allow me to put a common misconception to rest…just because she knows how to use the word “Married” in a sentence and chooses to do so around you…a) does not mean she wants to get married tomorrow and most importantly b) does not mean she wants to marry YOU…

The Change:  Sugar…sweetie…honey…baby…she doesn’t want to change you.  She’s to busy working 10 hour days, cooking, cleaning, hanging out with her girls, relaxing at home, returning your text messages while carefully avoiding the “M” word, creating D.I.D. (damselle in distress) scenarios to boost your self-esteem, all the while trying to creatively come up with ways to stroke your ego after the glorious 4 minutes of sexy time you gave her last night (you were excited because it was me…but next time will be better…yeah…OK) to try to change you.  What she does want is for your actions to match your words.  See last time she didn’t want a relationship with someone…she avoided them, didn’t really return their calls, could care less if they had a problem and many other etc’s.  Your version of NOT wanting a relationship – you call/text/IM everyday, you want to hang out minimum 3 times a week for 6 months or more, you not only listen to problems but offer advice and if that doesn’t work you nominate yourself to cuddle all night…and the all-time favorite…your little man wants to take a splash in the rain without a rain coat…and then you tell her you’re not interested in anything serious..I mean come on fellas…seriuosly…it’s so ridiculous I just laughed out loud as I wrote this…see how that court jester thing comes into play…

Anything you can do, I can do better:  Women are excellent at multi-tasking.  She has mastered the ability to do everything she needs to do for herself and still make time to do everything you need her to do as well…including make you feel special…as if you are the only man alive and she needs you to survive.  Men really think that when they leave her house, she walks them to the door, closes it and then immediately takes a seat and stares at it waiting for their return like the good little puppies they picked her out to be.  Sorry fellas, this is not the case.  When you leave, she immediately picks up the phone and calls the other boo…or the old boo…or the guy she met yesterday at the grocery store…or the guy that she actually wants to marry…didn’t know about him, did ya…

I could give more insight but I don’t want your head spinning any more than it already is…just know that your girl still loves you…she probably thinks you’re great…just not as great as you think you are…

shinygreen…this is for my homies…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

8 Responses to don’t flatter yourself…

  1. Meiko says:

    “splash in the rain without a rain coat” – LOL, who thinks of this ridiculousness???!!! Only Shinygreen.
    Nice introduction homie. I think you gave away a bit too much but I will forgive. If men only knew.

  2. Playoff Girl says:

    You are so on point! Love your run down on the actions and timing of dudes “NOT” wanting to be in a relationship. Oh, and thanks for letting them know that we all know how to take out the trash and get our oil and tires changed. We only do it to make them feel good because we keep hearing over and over that we are emasculating men by being us. Great info for dudes to have…..

  3. @kmhphenomenal says:

    *Hated it*

  4. lacyro says:

    Well… hummm.. who leaves a comment as enlightening (sarcastic face) as “Hated it”,, must have been a male, or better yet a female who still questions her own game. I thoroughly enjoyed this read – very funny, and at the same time, truthful in some way’s!

    Each woman/man experiences the perils of relationships a little different, but I believe like Shineygreen, there are some fundamental elements that exist in every (young)relationship. Now, how the relationship progresses is up to the woman, in my opinion (and it is for that reason, I LOVE this submission) . See there is really no hate’n in the game of love and lust, cause if your game is right ladies it doesn’t matter how much the man knows, he can’t help but to come back. If you stay true to you, keep your game tight in all areas of life, and show your man it’s You that he needs… He’ll always come back =) This I know.

    I’m not saying deceive your mate/potential mate, but I am saying help your man understand the true complexities of your womanhood, by showing him you know exactly what’s up, and you’ll decide how this game will play out. … Just my thoughts… *loved it*

  5. Rod says:

    This is good stuff. Always good to hear the other side’s perspective. Maybe we’re all fooling ourselves. Maybe none of us want to be serious and humanity (in developed countries) has evolved to the point where serious relationships are unnecessary and more risk than reward.

    I section describing the actions of men “not” wanting a relationship was very, very insightful.

    Good work.

  6. Eb says:

    While I can appreciate the innocent humor in many of the posts, I can’t help but wonder if true appreciation for the opposite sex is somewhere hidden between the lines. During the initial phases of growth within friendships and romantic relationships we will of course have noteworthy experiences, which seem to be the highlight of this blog.

    Ultimately, the male/female relationship might be the most challenging, but for that very same reason the most rewarding. In my opinion, we shouldn’t expect our partners to have many of the same interests or personality traits. We should look for someone to compliment our interests and goals. If someone offers us exactly what we already possess how are we making you better?

    The beauty in relationships is how our differences complement one another. I feel men and women were purposefully designed to be different in order to create a whole once connected. It may sound cliché, but the truth is our creator is to thank for this perfect design.

    btw – I will join in on the humor next time around :)

    I’ve enjoyed reading. You guys are very talented writers.

  7. Tiffany says:

    Nice lol I really enjoyed the read.

  8. Pingback: inquiring minds want to know… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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