lame dude flu…

I have some real cool homiettes. I know this because they won’t let me forget how lucky I am with constant reminders (usually following some ontrik-havior that tests the buoyancy of said homieship).

In addition to being cool, the homiettes have something else in common: lame dude stories. It’s like the Roots mini-series…never-ending and sad. While they yield me premium laughter at the expense and misfortunes of a fellow suitor, the frequency with which they take place has actually started to worry me. Now come to think of it, it has begun to resemble the swine flu (or fried chicken flu for the boondocks fans) minus the media coverage.

I’m here today to provide that needed coverage. Lucky for my homiettes (and other ladies that have yet to make the exclusive club), there is actually a vaccine for this condition as well.

Before I can prep your system for the impending immunity to lames, you have to agree to follow through with the entire process. Skipping one step will not only void the procedure but leave you with a break out worse than you originally started with. No bueno.

Without further delay for comical relief, let’s get started:

+ Trust your instincts…unless they are wrong…this one can be tough but thanks to Pavlovian conditioning you should get better over time…you can only go out with the cheap dude that doesn’t open doors so many times before you realize the trend…*crosses fingers*…

+ Stop giving second chances…ok maybe not once you’ve gotten to know the guy but you should definitely not offer up mulligans after four days, three texts, two calls and a date…similar to your Pavlovian experience in previous step, offering a male a second chance regardless of the infraction is saying you can mess up with no real consequence…why do you think so many dudes do stupid stuff…because you enable them to…thank yourself later we have more to cover…

+ Don’t give out your number if you don’t plan on answering…this defies all logic but I have seen and heard it on more than 37 occasions…”I gave him my number to be nice”…really??…that nice gesture just guaranteed weekly calls to set up a phantom date you agreed to the first meeting…truth trumps nice so stop using the nice card…

+ While on the topic of truth, speak up…tell him why his behavior/actions/responses were lame…it may be difficult but don’t you wish the last girl he dated would have done it so that you wouldn’t be sitting here while he tries to make you chocolate covered strawberries from scratch on a foreman grill…pay it forward…it can only come back to help you in the end…

+  Side-chics never win…even if you are his first side-chic, you will not be the last…don’t believe me because you are different??…next time you need to go somewhere, sit in the passenger seat of your car and see what happens…

+ Do your research…if you spend more time on google looking for how to do your hair than you do finding out more about this dude you are about to share cheesy biscuits with, then you deserve the flu…while I don’t condone stalking…doing a little recon on the public interwebs is both suggested and effective…or you can wait to find out why he can’t live within 5 miles of any schools…your call…

With all that said, the fellas aren’t getting off that easy. Being the (host of) virus, we also have a responsibility in this scenario. Just because you don’t have children (not a feat in this day and age thanks to Trojan and those scary HIV commercials), have a job (you can only play so much Madden), a car (interest rates are too low not to have one right now), and a college degree (her PHD makes your BS look rather small…and size matters), you don’t have the black card equivalent of a get-out-of-dumb-sh!t card…regardless of what the latest CNN special says, you aren’t really that special…so let’s step it up…shall we?

+ No more trinket contests…a chain is one thing but looking like you just tasmanian devil’d a Claire’s is a little much…same thing goes for accessories…fight the urge to wear your entire closet in one evening…

+ Unless Ray-Ban or Prada is cutting you a check, stop wearing your stunna shades in the dark…matter fact if you don’t live in LA, Miami, or Vegas, then let’s just leave the shades in the car from now on to be on the safe side…

+ In the case where a young lady decides to pass on your advances to get to know her, let’s refrain from cursing or informing her that we were doing her a favor…I’m pretty sure her attractiveness levels are not directly related to her receptivity to a slot in our phone…

+ Stop being soft…or as the ladies describe it “passive aggressive”…if you want to see her in a date setting…ask…otherwise stop blocking the cell networks with your “we should hang sometime”, “where have you been” and “what are you getting into this weekend” nonsense while the rest of us are actually being men…

+Don’t be greedy…if you don’t want me to date your girl, then don’t use up these other ladies’ anytime minutes…like your mom used to say about playing inside/outside…in or out…

Any questions?

onetrik…mr. make sure you wash your hands…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

9 Responses to lame dude flu…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention lame dude flu… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  2. J says:

    hey there, new reader here and i love you guys! you crack my shit up!
    as a chick in her early (dirty)thirties, and newly out into the dating scene after a long hiatus, i’m loving this post on lame dudes. and oh my goodness have i seen my share recently. when did guys become such wussies? (in regards to your stop being soft). i’m so tired of hearing the ‘we should hang out sometime’ bullshit. are you looking to go out and have some fun or are you looking for a homie(ette)? i got plenty of homies, but they can’t get into my panties. if you’re looking to get in there, and you make it clear that you are, i just may let you.

    ha!
    keep up the awesome posts, you rock!

    • morningjoi says:

      “if you’re looking to get in there, and you make it clear that you are, i just may let you.”

      Haaaa! Truer words…

  3. morningjoi says:

    Kudos on this post, my dudes. The wacktasticness is at an all-time high, and this ish has got to stop. I’d rather have the 3rd grade note (will you go with me? check yes or no.) than some of the passive aggressiveness I’m running into these days.

    Oh, and I’m gonna do better to keep my phone number to myself from here on out. Chastisement noted. Lol!

  4. ladybison says:

    LOL at morningjoi’s decision to no longer share phone number for niceties sake!!! Welcome to Happy Place!!! Thanks for the post, UBF’s, the wisdom all up and through this piece definitely needs to be shared as much as possible kinda like free food coupons!!!!

    “Unless Ray-Ban or Prada is cutting you a check, stop wearing your stunna shades in the dark…matter fact if you don’t live in LA, Miami, or Vegas, then let’s just leave the shades in the car from now on to be on the safe side…” – Oh, and this deserves to be a public service announcement because it grates my nerve to no end to see such foolishness. Any man who steps to me with shades on in the PM hours automatically makes my ovaries turn to dust!!! I recently saw a dude sit in a windowless room listening to a stage reading with shades on. Really? Just plain ol’ f*ckery to the tenth power!!!!

  5. Pingback: grown by the weekend… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  6. TT says:

    1st off – trust your instincts…unless they’re wrong is friggin hilarious! And I second the don’t give out your number to be nice notion. I’ll tell a ni$#@ quick “you can give me you number, but I probably won’t call.” I leave it up to him for the next step…or lack of one as it should be.

    But I just have to add to the “not do” list for the men……Your old piece’s current single status is not indicative of her having waited on you until you returned! We do not care if “I was the one you should have married.” or “you were always the realest.” or “I’ve always considered you a good friend>” Miss me!

    For the record, to us that means your dumb ass ruined every other romantic relationship you had after me, you think I’m dumb enough or maybe have amnesia and am actually interested in rekindling a 10-year, sometimes 15-year-old flame. AND you think I think your penis grew since then!

    Pimpin – we’ve moved on kay? And stepped our standards up. We don’t miss you. You’re just bored with life and think we are too….we’re not. Thanks!

  7. Pingback: men of a certain age…remix… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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