men are from mars…

men are from mars…women are from some place where things don’t make sense…case in point…i had a little “breakdown in communication situation” a few weeks back…upon further review i was in the wrong a little but that’s beside the point…in listening to a few of my female friends dissect my actions, it became clear to me…again…that you ladies have no clue how simple our minds operate…as i sat there hearing my actions analyzed i realized exactly how the slaves must’ve felt the first time they heard the “god invented slavery so love it” sermon…i can only imagine how much more laughable these explanations would have become had i not been there to impart…well…what i was really thinking…since i was the “he” in this particular story…

we here at ubf don’t believe in talking about problems without solutions (which i think is another place where men and women differ)…the simplest remedy…get a male heterosexual platonic friend…or 2 (i happen to know a couple guys that might be willing to play this role in your life…if you ask nicely of course)…it has to be someone you don’t plan on sleeping with…unless it’s an extreme emergency… it’s also helpful if he has no interest in sleeping with you…good luck finding that guy…i say heterosexual only because you have to be absolutely certain that yall aren’t vying for the same prize…there are 2 simple reasons why…

– 1 we really do know we don’t understand…when onetrik goes into one of his breakups things (which you know is bound to happen sooner rather than later), the conversation we have is short…he tells me they broke up…i ask what happened…he tells me what was said…we meet up with our boy jack daniels and we meet new chicks…problem solved…kinda…there is 1 thing that keeps these exchanges so short…i know for a fact that i don’t understand the way women think…he could expect a clear viable interpretation of her actions in the same way that he could expect me to explain the way itunes genius works…these short conversations leave us with plenty of extra oxygen to use to locate ms. next ex…

– 2 we believe in logical explanations…your team huddle is different…you all put your heads together and come up with such gems as “he probably likes you too much”, “he’s probably just intimidated by you” and  “some other ish too far fetched to quote directly”…you end up developing this list of improbable explanations that’s about as sound as a house made of jello, doughnut crumbs and ants…then you go from reacting to exactly what happened to reacting to what happened in this fantasy world that you and your team just constructed…and in doing so, your friends were just able to add a plus 1 to their standing weekly reservation at the lonely and confused restaurant and lounge…

so the next time you need clarity on a dating situation, just let one of us take a stab at it…your relationship will get fixed or you’ll end up accidentally exchanging intimate grimaces with your former platonic male friend…win/win…

elrocka flocka flame…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to men are from mars…

  1. Booboo deFool says:

    Can heterosexual male friend be someone with whom you’ve already “done the grown-up” ? This is an ongoing concern of mine, as I find his advice to be somewhat colored by our history. Not in a bad way, just in an “I know you (biblically)” kind of way.

    • i think it depends on whether or not both of you have grown past it…the advidce is different if you’re really concerned about helping the other person make a good decision vs making sure that option is still available for future use…

  2. Tolu says:

    Spot on!!!

    My best friend is a guy. We’ve been friends since we were 14 years old (when we were awkward and unattractive and that’s how we will always see each other). We talk on the phone 3 times a week, text every other day, and strategize about dating. Neither one of us has an interest in screwing the other and it keeps the conversation clear. If we didn’t have each other, neither of us would know how or what the opposite sex was thinking or how to respond. You’re absolutely right. Every girl must have her own uninterested-opposite-sex-friend.

  3. TT says:

    Totally agree with this! And thank goodness I already have 32669562,564960,674 plutonic homeboys!

    I had a situation recently where I couldn’t decide if I was tripping and overreacting or if my feelings about a situation were valid. My homegirl totally sided with me, had me ready to leave my man and discount him as selfish and insensitive….but I wasn’t settled with this. It just seemed too easy.

    So I called the homies. 2 different ones to be sure. both of them told me I was trippin, explained to me, yet again, how men think (simple) and how if I made any more of an issue out of it he’d be cool on me.

    Their explanation made more sense. Broads are just too emotional sometimes. Thank God I know that otherwise I’d be lumped right in. Consequently, all is well on the home front! And my guy continues to think I’m one of the most rational and cool women he’s ever dated!

    Kudos to the homies!!

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