knowing is half the battle…

in our continuous quest to quench your insatiable thirst for manformation, we’ve once again pointed that new knowledge firehose in your direction…we’ve devised today’s post to let you know exactly where you stand on this totem pole of love…er lust…er male-female interaction…the worst thing that can happen is that you misunderstand your location and start acting as if you have girl scout badges that you have yet to ascertain…so here is a cheat sheet to help you figure out how we probably should be interacting and whether or not you should be waiting for something more…

the jump off – this first phase is one that we actually suggest you skip if you have any desire to ever reach real relationship status…it will probably be fun for both parties…and by both parties i mean me and my desire to have unattached cinemax sessions…

your duties – you are only required to show up sometime after 12:30 with your magic set…quite frankly, i may not even acknowledge or recognize you in public…or before i’ve had a few drinks…you will probably get called when i wrapped up a dry date, after the club, or when my favorite porn site is down for routine maintenance…

what we’ve established we have in common – the only thing we have in common is we both know what it means when my number pops up on your phone…

what happens if i see you with another dude – i laugh at him under my breath and pray that he never kisses you in the mouth…

where do you go from here – home…now

the booty call – becoming a booty call is like making the honor roll of jump offs… you can be upgraded to a booty by being a jump off 3 or more times…your mother would be really proud…you can also end up here after 2 people decide that they want to break up but hold on to the only aspect of their relationship that they deemed salvageable…

everything else is the same as the jump off but you might actually get that royal ihop treatment…

the homie – for those of you who are really interested in getting a ring finger cozy, you should do your best to skip the first 2 phases and land here at least…

your duties – to serve as my female voice of reason and my wing woman…and to not accidentally fall off the platonic express…

what we’ve established we have in common – we both don’t like my current girlfriend…

what happens if i see you with another dude – i’ll meet him and dap him up then talk mad ish about how lame he is later on…i won’t catch any feelings about seeing you guys out though…

where do you go from here – this one really depends…there is a chance that we really click and this friendship grows into something more but you really shouldn’t bank on it…

talking/dating – this is more commonly known as the “getting to know you” phase…we start to hang out more frequently…we are corresponding at least once a day and my friends started calling you by your first name and

your duties – lol smiley face me to death…

what we’ve established we have in common – we have established a common like for each other…you’re still not allowed to make #2’s at my house though…

what happens if i see you with another dude – i act like i don’t care or notice but find some way to bring it up in conversation…but just to let you know that i don’t care…

where do you go from here – if all goes well, you’ve just earned a one way ticket to “main”ville..

the gf/boo/ the “in a relationship” status changer – this is the land of exclusivity…time to update your facebook status and remove all pictures of previous boyfriends…we will spend time holding hands, picnicking and gazing into starry nights together…

what we’ve established we have in common – a pet, closet space and quite possibly an address…

what happens if i see you with another dude – there’s probably going to be some furniture moving…

where do you go from here – to the altar if you can successfully explain who that dude was…

the wifey/eternal boo/balls chains etc – we have made some heavy promises in front of all the family and friends we thought would buy the best gifts…and god…

your duties – to help me put some more mouths around this table to feed and to convince me that I used to be totally different when we met…

what we’ve established we have in common – a life…

what happens if i see you with another dude – they’ll be placing an order for 1…maybe 2 body bags…

where do you go from here – to the happily ever after…assuming, of course, that i don’t swerve into the tiger woods lane…

there it is…print it out, color code it and attach it to your fridge…and from now on, you should have all of your male guests visit the chart and tell you exactly where they see themselves fitting when they show up and right before they leave your house…this should go a long way in clearing up any confusion…you’re welcome…

elrock-tor phil…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to knowing is half the battle…

  1. morningjoi says:

    [sidenote: that “possibly related post” above is pretty darn depressing.]

    the homie hate on the bf/gf isn’t at all homie-appropriate. those, my dear, are dreamers-in-waiting on the “i hope you dump him/her and start liking me” list. definitely not a real homie…

  2. Tolu says:

    Hahahahahahahaha, lmao @ this. Esp:

    “what happens if i see you with another dude – i act like i don’t care or notice but find some way to bring it up in conversation…but just to let you know that i don’t care…”

    and

    “what happens if i see you with another dude – i’ll meet him and dap him up then talk mad ish about how lame he is later on…i won’t catch any feelings about seeing you guys out though…”

    Classic!!!

    Totally agree with the implicit advice of “STAY IN YOUR LANE” and we won’t have any problems.

    However, I need a bit of clarity.

    Now, I am/was personally of the school of thought that virtually all “goods” (i.e. chicks) have a pre-determined shelf-life. That is, while the “goods” may “spoil” much quicker than its (her) date of expiry, rarely does it (she) ever get past said expiration date without “going bad” first. In other words, once the position has been filled, a chick can be demoted (or terminated early) but rarely ever promoted (or have her contract extended), unless…[insert ridiculously rare circumstance here, ex: swine flu, spontaneous blindness, gangrene induced limb amputation, etc.]. So is this a “boo hierarchical organization” chart or a “relationship phase’ology” chart? Or both? Let me know fast, you know us chicks are already slightly delusional and totally confused when it comes to relationships. Such confusion/delusion could cause headache, blindness, and ear infection. Let me know!!!

  3. AustynEllese says:

    Well done. On the fridge it goes…

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