on to the next one…

so…yesterday my partner in lines eloquently laid out the proper way to determine if you were actually on a date as opposed to a table guarding session…now let’s assume for a moment that the answer was yes…i’ll pause as you allow that excitement to seep in…yes…i know …yippee…i’m moving on now…so yeah…you’re on that date having a good time and you find your mind drifting forward to round 2…but to your dismay round 2 continuously calls in sick…and you’re left to figure out what happened…well it’s probably 1 of 2 things…you either really didn’t pay attention yesterday orrr…you broke one of the cardinal rules of 1st dates…i’m here today to put you in the best position to lock down date #2…and #3 and eventually that hotly contested divorce you’ve always wanted (i have to let my pessimism out to play periodically or he gets testy)…ladies and gentlemen…who’s ready for some list time…

– do not mention anything about relationship as it pertains to that guy sitting on the other side of the table…he’s still trying to figure out what type of crazy you are and when you do stuff like that, it makes it too easy…he knew when he picked you up that there was a 93% chance you were open to a relationship…no need to confirm just yet…some other relationship-esque terms to avoid are companion, special someone and papa bear…

– do not talk about your imaginary future family…this one should be easy if you avoid the first one…but you won’t…so do your best to not compound your problems by telling him the names of the first 3 children you plan to have with him…

– don’t overreact…that’s positively or negatively…don’t give him too much credit for doing things he’s supposed to do like opening your door or chewing with his mouth closed…and don’t give him too much grief for not knowing which fork to use or for not being able to order his thai food in thai…

– do not lay atop or beneath him at any point during the evening…sex on the first date is more commonly referred to as sex on the only date…or a really expensive jumpoff…

– be yourself…unless yourself isn’t good enough…then you should be somebody better…and just keep doing that even after the date expires…

– in the special case where the lad is financially challenged (not a bum…but maybe…i don’t know…a grad student or something) yet brave/dumb enough to let you pick the spot don’t turn date #1 into date #0.5 by forcing him to sprint off and leave you at the table with the bill…

please keep in mind that these only factor in if you are at all interested in a second date…if you’re not interested, don’t do it because forced 2nd dates can quickly and quite easily turn into bad relationships…

now this was our take, but i’d be very interested in hearing of any other words of advice that the ubf fam may have to offer…

elrock…woolery…back in 2 and 2…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to on to the next one…

  1. Lynne says:

    ‘Cause I live in Oakland.

  2. Tolu says:

    Congratulations! You are definitely a better human being than most men I know.

  3. Niki B says:

    so, 3 dates=marriage/divorce? you are so funny!

  4. morningjoi says:

    I like, I like…. Please underline/bold/italicize: DON’T OVERREACT. This person across from you is (more than likely) a complete stranger, people. Treat him like one.

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