from the bottom of our hearts…

ladies…gather around…no…closer…yeah, that’s good…ahem…it has been brought to my attention that some of us have been acting up recently…and by recently i mean forever…i find it odd that you haven’t been able to see some of this stuff coming, given the history and all, but we won’t focus on that…so please pay close attention…we’re only going to do this once…unless it prompts more than 15 people to respond…then we’ll do it once a week because we’re working on becoming more full of ourselves…

so the reason i’ve called you all here today is to apologize once and for all for some of the silly ish we do…of course we’ve never done any of this ourselves…so given our clean records, we thought it best that we serve as the spokespersons for the group…so where to begin…ah yes…let’s start there…

we apologize for:

hovering…i paid good money for that drink you’re sipping but i’m still trying to figure out if i gave it to the right member of your crew…i was just sticking around until you all reassembled to make sure i made the right choice…so sip slowly…

– that time i told you i wasn’t interested in a relationship, then you asked me for one and i said “remember that time when i told you i didn’t want a relationship”…my bad…i’ll try to be a little clearer next time…

– acting like i don’t care when you’re upset…it’s not that i don’t care…it’s that i don’t understand…i just stop caring because it’s too difficult to figure out…kinda like the plot to beloved…

– not asking you to marry me…those vows contain a lot of promises that i’m pretty sure i can’t keep right now…

– asking you to marry me only because you threatened to leave…like in times past…i was searching for the “low tear” option…so i guess we’re stuck together for the next 4 years…

– not talking to you about my feelings…but i guess it’s not too late…right now…i feel…confused…what are they again exactly…

– that time you came to my house and realized you’re not the first chick that’s ever been there…it was only the 2nd date and i didn’t think you would be there so soon…

– for lying about how much money i make…i know you wanted a baller so i embellished a little to get my foot in the door…kinda like you did, with the colored contacts, make up, fake lashes, fake nails, weave/extension/wig, spanx and push up bra…so let’s just get naked and call it even..

– when i believed you were only in it for sex…and that was the one time you said something i thought i understood…

– last but not least…for not calling, not telling you about my wife, cheating on you, putting hands on you, leaving you post conception and those std’s…

i hope that covers them all…

in all sincerity…or at least all the sincerity i could muster up…i know we screw up sometimes…but some of those “screw ups” aren’t really ours at all…and this is the part where you disagree…and being the open minded individuals we are, we’d love to hear your reasons why or some other ways we might be screwing up…let’s at least talk about it…that’s your thing right…

elrock…i’m sorry for…2004, 5, 6 etc…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to from the bottom of our hearts…

  1. ms diva says:

    I found this blog to be pretty funny actually..and it actually only confirms what I have thought from the very beginning..that men and women truly don’t get eachother:) but when you’re fortunate enough to find someone who also knows that, and is great in bed..its worth it :)

  2. pillowchats says:

    I like the one about the lying about the size of your wallet the way girls lie with makeup, etc. I think that was hilarious!

    The other ones, I am not too sure.

  3. Moni G says:

    I paticularly appreciated the honesty of the “4 year” forecast. You were still being generous though.

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