bottles on me…as long as someone drank it…

every time you go to the club, there’s always this pretentious group of a**holes that act like they’re too good to be associated with the rest of the party…tucked off in some corner standing on couches holding glasses of liquor poured from bottles that cost a car note (for like a corolla or late model used altima)…you see them and immediately ask yourself what would possess those idiots to be so financially irresponsible…well…we are those idiots and the simple answer is absentee financial planners, but the long answer is much deeper…

let’s start in the pit of your stomach…the place where that pain shows up when you’re on your way to the night spot of choice on any given night and turn the corner to realize that there is a line longer than the lines at the polls at the 1994 south african general elections…you have your mouth set for a good time when all of a sudden it looks like 7000 people had the exact same idea just 24 minutes earlier…it’s now decision time…how much of your life are you willing to give up…everyone has their own limit…mine is 17 minutes…and it gets shorter with every birthday…so next year by this time i’ll be on a segway hurling insults at patient club goers…

so…you’ve seen the line…the next thing you have to do is gauge the number of zeroes the crew is willing to drop to shorten the line and make this night a little more memorable…amateurs huddle for 10 – 15 mins…ballers don’t even let their eye lashes huddle…our crew handles it more like a single round auction…everybody quickly shouts out how deep they’re willing to go in…after that it’s a quick conversation with the clipboard lady and some simple arithmetic…you should always expect to have to buy a bottle for every nipple on your body…especially in live cities or on live weekends…and if you pick the spot you first heard about on a rap song you might have to add one…generally speaking…for a crew of 3-5 expect to purchase 2 very expensive non-exclusive bottles of the same ish you were drinking before you left the hotel…this is one game in which the house always wins…

– the location of your table is also key…you want to be visible but not crowded…far enough away to not get routinely bumped but close enough to crowd surf when your song comes on…

– you need to familiarize yourself with the visitation policy…some spots let you bring in whoever…others only give you a set number of tickets, wristbands or whatever to share with others…but in the event the bouncer tries to limit your guest count, just know that a) your waitress is expecting a big tip and will usually put in extra work to make sure you and your whole crew have a good time and b) a well placed $20 is a serviceable substitute for a wristband and all bouncers speak that language…

– bottles should remain in the ice unless your pouring it…only amateurs walk around holding ice dampened goose…people aren’t impressed by us in the booth, but they actually hate you…

– most importantly, remember that buying 2 bottles doesn’t make you diddy…or even fonzworth bentley…no one knows you…or really cares to know you…but that ice filled bucket makes a great conversation starter and if you play it cool, you’ll usually leave with more friends than you came with…

i saw a guy today with a t-shirt that read “Bottle Service Killed New York”…we didn’t invent the service but we definitely know we have blood on our hands…and for this we apologize…burp…

elrock…i am still thirsty…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to bottles on me…as long as someone drank it…

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention bottles on me…as long as someone drank it… « Us, Bottles, and Friends -- Topsy.com

  2. beazy says:

    i’m sure this all changed when you became “a poor student”…or so you like for people to believe…

  3. Meredith Lilly says:

    Love it LROCK. LOL!

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