it takes a village…

folks occasionally (once a week) ask me how i’ve been able to stay stapled to the proverbial game for this long…and of course i reply with the obvious…misogynistic rap music of course…and i’m just a difficult person to date…but when asked if i ever miss the companionship that comes along with having a long-term mate i say “that’s what golden girls marathons are for”…the reality is, i, like many others have converted to the “girlfriend by committee” model…not to be confused with a committee of girlfriends who all believe to be involved in an exclusive arrangement with you…but it’s more like a collection of ladies with differing interests that somehow overlap with yours…they come together like voltron or captain planet to ward off the loneliness generally associated with single life (not to mention that we don’t tend to look at the ability to be alone as a downside of being single)…

the model has been streamlined for the purposes of this post…i made up the names to protect the innocent, for alliteration and because some of these people don’t actually exist in my life…

– first, there’s maria the music fiend…she likes a lot of the same music as i do, quotes rap lyrics in regular conversations and suffers from slight hearing loss…

– next there’s shaunte the sports fan…the real sports fan…she actually watches the games because she knows what’s going on and not just because she thinks dwayne wade is cute…she also recognizes that dwayne wade is not on every team…she even has her own team that she follows which earns her the right to talk sh*t when my team loses…unlike you who likes to say “they’re just gonna lose anyway” because you want me to roll with you to bed bath and beyond to look at soap dishes…

– then there’s bad a** brandi…she’s fine…dumb as a bag of misprinted skittles but i like to  look at her, mute out her voice and replace it with oprah winfrey’s…or pretty much any other woman who can spell…

– can’t forget about stacy the super homie…she kinda thinks like a dude and drinks hard liquor…she would’ve been in the running for boo-ville but she knows way too much about my past to ever sign up for that adventure…but she has hella hook-ups and loves having a good time…

– up next is patrice the posturepedic partner…she’s willing to do all the things on your “things i would never do” list…except for the last one…i’m probably gonna end up paying for that in some 3rd world country…she’s probably going to be the reason i cheat on you…

– oh and current events carrie who gets her news from somewhere other than tmz or concreteloop…she knows up to the moment exactly how many gallons of oil have been spilled into the gulf…just in case you ever need to know…

– and last but not least, there’s nadia the next chick…i don’t know if that’s her real name but we just made eye contact while i was sitting here and i’m about to go see what’s up with her…the hope is, she’s found a way to combine a few of the attributes i value in the others so that she can one day replace them all…

  • the gf by committee is not to be confused with a team, squad or stable…those are usually reserved for cats who are just looking to collect females for no (or just one) particular reason…and ubf does not condone such foolishness…cough…

elrock…and wind, fire, water and uhh heart….

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to it takes a village…

  1. morningjoi says:

    Are we sure this post wasn’t a UBF duo effort?

    • definitely more than a duo effort…here at ubf, we look to serve as the voice for all of the overworked underloved brothers everywhere…where else can they go to get hope for the future…and stuff…hang in there fellows…

  2. Niki B. says:

    isn’t this the same thing WE, women, have been doing for the longest? i think some comedian called himself explaining it to us (women) once. we need the gay guy, the guy we’re sleeping with, the guy we talk about our feelings to, the sponsor, and the one you can take home to meet the fam, if necessary.

    • Niki B. says:

      sorry, i forgot we also need the thug. bcuz so many ladies really do love the badboys

      • exactly…you have to have at least one that stays on the verge of choking the ish outta you…i’ve heard this from the ladies before…maybe should all stop focusing on composite boos and just start becoming more well rounded…ha…i’m just bull fishin…

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