first date…7 or 11…

First dates are like craps. Don’t believe me? Think about it:

+ You roll the dice to determine your outcome while you don’t really understand all the rules of the game

+ You continue to order drinks hoping things will go well

+ Everyone involved is pulling for the table

+ At the end of the night, you’ll be out of lots of money with nothing to show for it

That is unless you are lucky. Or just have an amazing pre-screening questionnaire (Do you suck at first dates? Check Yes or No).

But I must admit my questionnaire lets me down at times and leaves me with the occasional first date #fail. Upside is you get to read about it here. Downside is I’ve just wasted a 2 for 1 dinner coupon at Sizzler.

One of these fails from a few years ago will forever be tattooed in my medulla oblongata (hopefully that means it will not ever happen again) for being a night full of shall we say…surprises.

I was introduced to this young lady through her sorority sister that I believed to be a friend of mine. We actually met at one of their organization’s function (I’ll leave the group out of it but let’s call them pyramid bloods for the sake of this story). After her successful completion of the screener, we agreed to exchange pager numbers…ok maybe it wasn’t that long ago.

Fast forward to our first date. I was still young (or non-creative…I can’t remember) so I suggested the tried-and-true dinner and movie. You know fine dining…like Red Lobster.  I made my way to her place to for the inaugural (later to find out final) pick up when the first surprise of the night was delivered.  1) She was part grizzly bear…from her knees to ankles to be exact. During my twix need a moment moment, I realized she wore full pants during our first meeting. Now at the date, she decides to share her naturally grown leg warmers via shorts. But maybe she was in a rush (every day for the past 6 months) I thought to myself, so I let the date proceed.

Next we head to cheesy bread heaven for some landlocked seafood before the movie. As a complimentary appetizer, I received the second surprise. 2) She couldn’t hold a conversation if it was in her hand…no seriously it felt like she ran out of talking minutes on her mouth. I took full blame for this as I didn’t actually verify her ability to engage in an actual  conversation volley session prior to the date. But maybe she takes a while to warm up to people (and suffered from first date bubble guts), so again I let the date proceed.

We make it to the movie theatre for what I feel like is a can’t lose situation for her: Two hours in the dark (leg warmers out of sight) with required silence (her preferred method of communication). But instead we have a mix-up in the date script as her lines didn’t quite match the plot I was following. Evidently feeling comfortable about 30 minutes in, she decides to present me with the final surprise of the date. 3) She rests the aforementioned grizzly bear legs on me…as if I was cold and needed the extra warmth. I was not only the opposite of cold but now realizing how heavy bear legs could be. Lucky for me a few overt reaches for my family jewels got her to observe the “get out of my public space” rules.

Following the movie, I dropped the centaur back at her place at the ripe time of 9:37pm. A simple “have a good night”  mixed with a forced yawn and I was on my way instantly removing her information from my phone and my pants as they were in desperate need of a circus grade lint brush.

Morals of the story…add questions to my pre-screening questionnaire…don’t agree to a date with anyone that has a pager…cupid is a short, fat and bald man not a diamond throwing female friend…

What about you UBF Fam? What can someone do to ruin the first date for you? Or are there ways to guarantee a second date?

onetrik…mr. riding the pass line…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to first date…7 or 11…

  1. 05girl says:


  2. A...H... says:

    i was once promised dinner and a movie from a guy in fraternity (maybe its the greek thing that gets them confused??). His version…popeyes chicken and a DVD at his apt. I love popeye’s chicken so it was actually enough to hold my attention a lil longer (i was 19 at the time) until we get back to his apt for the “movie”. Not only was his apt crawling with ants but his DVD collection was minimal…and by minimal I mean he had 3 DVD’s. . Final Destination, American Pie, and a Porno. I chose American Pie because something had to be funny about the situation and then he tells me I have to come in his room to watch it because he doesn’t own a DVD player so we can only watch it on his computer…this is when I tell him I have a headache and it was time to take me home…

    • you do know that watching movies on a 13″ screen and hunching in a chicken grease soaked twin bed is the best remedy for headaches right…could’ve been the night of your life…

  3. Pingback: one poor man’s dreams… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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