7 minutes…if you don’t move around too much…

the homie b kizzle forwarded me this link last week and after i convinced myself that ben rothliesberger hadn’t found a way to supplement that missing six game income i listened to the lyrics (as you should)…once my chuckle muscle returned to its dormant state, i started thinking about what other lies we let sprint up our throats and leap off our tongues…well…i mean i could make love to you all night…but probably only on the summer solstice…and i’ll need a 5.5 hr break in there somewhere to consume ovaltine and flintstones chewables…i digress…where was i…oh yes…wondering, what are the things we lie about the most…and why…you’re never gonna guess what i’m about to do next…or maybe you will…

– that dress does not make your booty look big…however…your big booty makes your booty look humongous…i still love you though…

– i love you…i actually love eating hot meals and not sleeping alone…

– i’m not gonna cry over you if you leave…well…not until you and all of my boys are well outside of listening distance…

– i really like your personality…and how it fits neatly inside of your pretty face…

– i was hanging with the boys all night…by the way…i call my mistress’ breasts b.ags o.f y.ummy…and yes we had a good time…

– i have never fantasized about sleeping with any of your friends…there is no sleeping in my fantasies…

– until death do us part…or until i realize you don’t refill the ice trays when they’re empty…

– she’s just a friend…actually that one is true…but it will change if you keep stressing me about her…

of course this isn’t a comprehensive list…now it’s time for the crowd participation…what other lies have you heard…don’t be bashful…

elrock…the whole truth…and nothing but…

About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

6 Responses to 7 minutes…if you don’t move around too much…

  1. tolu says:

    re: “i really like your personality…and how it fits neatly inside of your pretty face…”


    pure truth, but even more hilarity.

  2. missjlucas says:

    LMAO @ this video…’negative body issues’ = hilarity. And if a dude can only do missionary….well…you need to dump his ass. Lies? “I’m allergic to condoms”. Well then I’m allergic to you mofo – walk on!

  3. Lynne says:

    “I’m happily in a very serious relationship and don’t think that would be very appropriate”…even if I wasn’t, there is no way I would ever have anything to do with you.

    “I understand how important this game is but can you please PAUSE the it and do a “soap in eye” check on the screaming 5yo while I cook, clean, check homework and answer the phone.” …Did anyone catch the word PAUSE? And it’s the 4th game of the SEASON…it’s not really that important.

    “If for some reason you got all super fat and became a shut in I would still love you” … 1) love does NOT = sex. 2) If I let that happen you should HATE me.

    “Sure we can just catch a movie”…If I just got a sitter (CHA-CHING) I don’t wanna watch a really big TV somewhere I don’t even have the luxury of tucking my cold toes under your leg.

    “Ya boy’s girl is very to herself”…she is a boring prude. Now I see why he’s always over here drinking our Hangar1.

    “Naaaaaw, you don’t need a haircut. You look fine.”…In reality it’s just too late to worry about it, we have to leave in 30minutes. You should have paused the game and handled that over an hour ago.

  4. KBKizzle says:

    Male to Female:
    ” I miss you…I miss you….I miss you…” – a dude hardly ever initiates this phrase, scratch that NEVER.

    ” I know I said I was coming in town, but money is tight and I had to put my car in the shop – two days after she told him she wasn’t giving it up.

    ” I don’t like hair on my body so I shave everything off” – keeping groomed is one thing, but MANscaping is suspect.

    Female to Male:
    “I’m not fat…just bloated today” – I swear I never used this one!

    “Let’s take our time so I can get to know you better…” – I want to know how crazy yo a$$ is…OR…I want to know what you’re working with before anything jumps off

    ” I don’t need a push-up bra…” – no comment.

  5. YH says:

    “I promise I’ll change…” — I’ll just wait it out and let you forget about this, then revert to being the asshole I am

  6. daspidaswebb says:

    I was at my baby mama’s house..we had to talk about the kids….which we did for five minutes after we finished sexing for an hour

    I am only with her/him because I don’t want to hurt her/him or my kids if I leave….which I never planned to do anyway but you may shut up about it if you think I am being considerate of their feelings.

    I only have one condom left because my homie came over with a friend and didn’t have one….which I really used myself on my homegirl, Tammy and her friend, Aisha

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