relationship laws…

i know i know…how does a guy who hasn’t seen a real relationship since windows 98 get off telling us how to maintain a relationship…well that’s easy…i own 50% of the ubf airtime which means i can say what i want 50% of the time…the other 50% i spend wondering what happened to color me badd…in any event…here are a few guidelines you might want to keep laminated in your wallets and pocketbooks…

– shut up and listen sometimes…do you think your man/woman wants to spend all their time listening to what’s wrong with your life…

– ladies, it’s a lot easier to find a man if you find yourself first…

– men, we need to get our shit together…these ladies are out here making things happen while we’re standing on the block, chilling in our cells, and getting done in the booty but not being gay…no homo…i believe that’s what the kids say…

– fellas, no means no…

– ladies, $47 lobster means yes…

– “it’s not you it’s me” means it’s you…

– “i think we need to see other people” means “i’ve already started seeing other people”…

– stop being mad about your man playing madden all the time…just be happy he’s not sitting up with another chick playing with his joystick…

– ladies, if a dude leaves you for another woman, she is, by rule, cuter than you are…just deal with it…

– fellas, if a lady refuses to give you her number in the club, she’s not a bitch…you are, for being so sensitive…

– any incriminating text/pictures/videos you send or leave behind will be shared with the homies…

 – please quit with the princess thing…i’m looking for a fully grown queen these days…maybe we can raise a princess later…

– “we’re not looking for the same things” really means we are looking for the same things i just want to get mine from someone else…

– ladies if a dude buys you drinks in the club, you ARE obligated to talk to him…1 drink = 4:17 of conversation….however, you can use that time to ask if he has kids, a wife, a girlfriend, history with one of your friends, an attraction to other men, a job, his own place, good credit…if his answers suit you, ask him for another drink because the first 4:17 is up…

– never fake an orgasm…you just ensured that whoever that person has sex with next, will have a poorer sexual experience than the one you just had…now what if that next person is you…

– men only want one thing…now make him prove me wrong…

– women have no idea what they want…now make her prove me wrong…

– cute chicks are the worst in bed…uhh…prove me wrong ;-)

– when left alone in your house, your mate will go through your shit…but if there’s nothing incriminating there, you have nothing to worry about…

– ladies…just put the toilet seat down…i never complain to you when it’s not already set up for me when i get in there…me letting it up is really just for your benefit anyway…

there has to be some rules i’ve left off of this list…i’m sure someone out there can help me fill in these blanks…

elrock the informer…a licky boom boom down…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to relationship laws…

  1. Lynne says:

    you know you know what happened :)

  2. morningjoi says:

    are we sure that women have no idea what they want? i think some of them do. some men just don’t want to give it to them.

    so now that she proves you wrong, i guess you can remind her that you were only there for one thing.

    • there’s always an exception…and i’ll grant AN exception here…and that is all…but seriously, i can’t count the number of times i’ve heard some woman trying to rationalize the following scenario: they have a list, they meet some dude that meets most, if not all, attributes on that list, yet the woman still does not like said dude…granted, her list was probably flawed from jump but the point is she didn’t know that until she figured out that every box was checked…thus leading me to my conclusion…

      and i’m different…i actually want 2 things…cause i get hungry afterwards…

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