homies > homiettes

You already knew this so it isn’t breaking news but homies are greater than homiettes. It is simple math. You didn’t even have to cheat your way through calculus to understand this.

(Note: Not to confuse anyone. I’m not saying there are more potential homies than homiettes out there. There aren’t as I looked once.)

Assuming you are still reading, you are most likely asking yourself “why is this?” So I’m here with my top ten reasons why a homie > homiette.

Well first let’s clarify what a homiette actually is. A homiette (also referred to as a homie in some cases) is a homie minus the penis plus breasts (usually small – don’t ask why as I didn’t make up the rules). A homiette is not wifey, girlfriend, jump-off, friend with benefits, or any other name you give that friend you speak to with your best body language horizontally between Egypt’s finest 1000 counts.

Now on to the list:

10) Homies never start a conversation with “Can I ask you a question?” Homiettes do and the answer is no.

9) You never have that awkward should I pay for this meal/drink moment with the homie. You always split the check. When the bill comes with homiettes, it is always a weird twinge in your left forearm which leads all the way to your mouth saying, “Naw I got this.”

8) As you progress through the game of life looking to add an additional peg to your plastic mini-van, potential pegs can become jealous of homiettes therefore putting you in a difficult position. Pegs don’t get jealous of the homies and if they do it is probably a red flag you should skip a turn or two before adding this peg.

7) You can’t leave a homiette alone out (e.g. club, bar) late at night. As a true gentleman, you have to make sure she makes it home with no issues. With the homies, you can leave them at any point with no issues and more importantly no questions asked. Homies know why you left. They just don’t know her name.

6) While homiettes can definitely like sports, you don’t get the same experience playing sports with them. Case in point: WNBA. Case rested.

5) Homies don’t expect anything more than a drink on their birthdays. No calls, texts, or facebook posts needed. Try to miss a homiette’s half-birthday.

4) Homies never ask for dating advice. Homiettes want you to break the man codes. Well maybe it isn’t that serious but you can only tell a homiette “because he is lame”  eight times as a reason before it feels extremely redundant.

3) Homies don’t get their feelings hurt. They don’t have feelings. Homiettes have feelings (not as bad as girlfriends) and they tend to bring them out at the most inopportune times (e.g. Tax Day, Arbor Day, Sunday).

2) Homie’s significant other can hook you up with their friends. Meanwhile homiettes know you so they won’t hook you up with their friends.

1) Every now and then a homiette isn’t really a homiette. She is merely disguised as one attempting to break into your walled off garden of life as something entirely different (e.g. a girlfriend – notice the lack of space). If this happens with your homies, your homie filter is in desperate need of being cleaned.

But you should also know that num(homies) < num(homiettes) and always should be because homiettes cook and homies only eat.

Sorry for the extra math to confuse things but I’m sure you have thoughts on male and female friends. Feel free to share.

onetrik…mr. homiette friend…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

7 Responses to homies > homiettes

  1. Puff says:

    I’ve decided to fill my writing quota for today by responding to this post, rather than working on my dissertation (peep my excellent decision-making skills).

    I think most of this is gender-relative. Meaning homies are better for a guy, and homiettes for a girl. Specifically:

    10) Not sure why this is a problem, but I may have to stop doing it =(.
    9) You have a point. I generally try to drop some cash on the table before the homie’s arm starts twitching.
    8) Clearly goes both ways. Husbands don’t like homies any more than wives like homiettes.
    7) True, but homiettes can leave each other (believe it).
    6) Change sports to shopping and this also goes both ways.
    5) This is only a plus if you like to be lax about birthdays. For the half of the population that doesn’t, it’s understood that when my Born Day rolls around, plane tickets and hotel rooms must be booked. In which case it’s nice to have folks who aren’t just tryin to buy you a drink the next time they happen to run into you. (Booooo to them.)
    4) If your homiettes need to hear “Because he’s lame” 8 times, maybe your homiettes are lame. Or slow. Just sayin…
    3) This is a whole ‘nother post.
    2) Homiettes also hook each other up. While a lot of homies won’t hook their homiettes up with their friends because they know their friends (good lookin out).
    1) Word? Homies perfected the art of lurking in the garden, waiting for an opening. Get this one outta here.

    So you see… It’s (mostly) relative.

    • First – I appreciate you putting the commenting ahead of the dissertation homiette…amazing decision-making skills in my book.

      B) You raise a couple good points. Obviously this was written from the perspective of male’s homies/homiettes so I appreciate your take on it to balance it out. Not that I’m full on agreeing with you but I’m saying the effort was not done in vain.

      III) A couple of these points deserve more attention so we’ll have to address them with future posts as I’m pretty sure there is a list of reasons why homegirls would prefer homies to homiettes as well (e.g. moving day).

      • homiette says:

        Yeah, but isn’t moving day pretty much the same deal as cooking? You put up with homiettes’ crap for their cooking, girls put up with homies’ crap for their boy skillz.

        Also, you’re completely wrong about dating stuff. I’ve regularly tried to hook up my homies with female friends and regularly give them dating advice. If homies/guys prefer to withhold similar favors from their homiettes, then that makes YOU guys the bad ones in the friendship. Just sayin’.

  2. tolu says:

    I must say, this is the most comprehensive list of the comparison between homeboys and homegirls (sorry, not ready to get on the “homiette” bandwagon yet, still pretty awkward coming out my mouth, but i’m trying) i’ve seen EVER. Bravo. [and you’re correct, majority of my friends are men and i’ve noticed the difference, it sucks].

  3. Pingback: the ugly duckling… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

  4. morningjoi says:

    you know my ratio of female to male friends is pretty balanced, and i’ve got a stellar lineup. with that said, i’ve got an exception to every rule here on both sides.

    looking forward to when these are fully addressed in future posts.

  5. Pingback: the difference between best friends and “best friends”… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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