allow me to unintroduce myself…

Ok elrock. I accept your challenge. The gauntlet has been laid out on capturing what will get a young lady booted before the tooting. I must say I agree with the majority of those points already discussed in the post and the comments but there were a few of my own I had to add. As always, this is not meant to be a complete list. I may have to come back and make amendments at a later time when said young lady comes up with a new way to get her dating red card (shouts to US futbol team in the World Cup).

Now on to my deal breakers:

+ if you are cut from the jealous cloth…my long list of female friends doesn’t mesh well with anyone lacking confidence in their position within boo’dom…be sure to fill out the forwarding address form on your way out…

+ if you are sensitive…taking emotions into consideration is not included in my strengths value meal…if you get upset easily you’ll be asked to leave as I reserve the right not to serve…

+if you are thirsty…while I’m all for sharing my kool-aid…constantly bombarding me with your big gulp cup of “I need to see you” is not only bad for your health but also your chances of stirring my next batch…

+ if you ever appeared on a VH1 dating show…anyone that previously went by the name of Nibblz, Stacks, or Caliente is not going to ever be introduced to mama onetrik…good luck with your acting career though…

+ if your Ms. used to be a Mr…shouldn’t have to explain this one but if you are in question let’s just say you can open the door for damn self…

+ if you look to Brandy for hair inspiration…I’m not the best at picking out weaves/lacefronts/etc. but if your hair additions make you look like Daniel Boone with a raccoon on your head please move on to a different frontier…

+ if you have a case of the “boobiedus”…as in if your stomach sticks out farther than your boobies do…I guess this is where elrock and I don’t overlap…more breastage please…

+ if your top lip has a fur coat…being interrupted by your constant sneezing from your ‘stache tickling your nose will probably cause me to say something rude so we should go ahead and shave I mean cut ties now…

+ if your alphabet puts B next to O…my nose and I have been friends for a long time so by upsetting him you are ruining your chances at future threesomes…

+ if you frequently misspell words…I’m a fan of shorthand but misspellings in text messages/emails/chat will get your name misspelled in my phone as “DNA”…do not answer…

+ and most importantly…if you think you know it all…you don’t…not that I do but one thing I do know is you are already on borrowed time with our interactions so allow me to unintroduce myself…

However if none of these apply, we should talk…that is if elrock didn’t already scoop you while I was writing this…

onetrik…mr. it’s not me it’s you…

Advertisements

About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

3 Responses to allow me to unintroduce myself…

  1. morningjoi says:

    “be sure to fill out the forwarding address form on your way out”

    is someone finally learning from his experiences? lol

  2. Alana says:

    “I’m not the best at picking out weaves/lacefronts/etc. but if your hair additions make you look like Daniel Boone with a raccoon on your head please move on to a different frontier” <— LMAO. Sadly, I think there's a large enough population out there that needs to hear this. Weaves aren't for everybody, and Rupenzel is a fairy tale for a reason!

  3. A...H... says:

    LMAO at morningjoi – that is the funniest thing I’ve read all day!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: