the dirty dozen…12 ways to fail…

vh1 recently ran a series entitled undateable where they outlined 100 things guys can do if they wanted to ensure their beds remained singularly occupied…i was guilty of at least 83 of them which cleared up my confusion about my own dating life, but it also got me to thinking…what are those things about the opposite sex that i would consider undateable offenses…or as the homie liz lemon would say…the deal breakers…i was able to come up with 12 different no fail ways to make sure said deal gets broken…so here they are in a carefully planned random order…

– if you are allergic to good times or habitually underutilize your laugh muscle…i’m a funny guy…in my mind…so i suggest you climb in there and join me or catch deal deuces…

– if your hands look like you’ve been boxing oak trees or your feet look like you’ve been playing soccer with land mines…i know it’s shallow…but not as shallow as those land mine pits apparently…deal…i think not…

– if you smashed the homie…me and ray j don’t agree on much but this and kim kardashian fall in that small subset of agreeable items…so there’s the door…but leave that camera…

– if you’ve ever said “i love you” to one of the homies and meant it…it’s kinda hard to tell you how whack your ex was if he’s likely to be in the wedding party…so i guess you’re uninvited to the ceremony…

– if you have anything larger than c’s…i just get lost in that extra breastage…but you’re going to make some baby really happy one day…

– if you look like i would consistently be unable to beat you wrestling…i do at least 100 push-ups a year so i’m not exactly a pushover…and i do have a little bit of pride so the thought of you choking me into submission every time a new satc movie comes out leaves me frozen with fear…no deal…

– if you’re mean/evil…i don’t want to spend all this time courting and marrying just to get to heaven and have to start all over again because the heaven bouncer stopped you at the pearly gates with hate in your purse…thanks for playing…consolation prizes…blah blah blah…

– if you show up with picks, shovels and visions of gold dancing in your head…first of all, anyone digging for gold around the elrock camp will be worse off than those folks that moved to san fran in 1859…(that’s an obscure reference to the gold rush in 1849…i know some of yall didn’t really pay attention in american history)…i know this new degree is gonna give me a little more potential but your intentions just caused your potential to disappear faster than my federal loan money at magic city…

– if you have more than 1.01 kids (aka 1 and a possible)…and this is kind of a stretch…i really don’t want any man having the same right to my lady’s time as i do…let alone two…and i know they’re not gonna want to sit around and hear how mommy’s new boyfriend is way better than they are…so yeah…i guess i’ll catch you on maury…

– if your breath consistently smells like your mouth is being used for poot storage…pre-morning brush breath is excluded of course…thanks to that dark cloud emanating from your mouth i’m about to faint…don’t be here when i come to…

– if you’re married…at my age, i don’t have the energy to hunch and fight in the same day so if your husband catches us i’m deader than whatever crawled in your mouth in the point above…

– and finally…if you don’t like me…that just makes me question your ability to make sound rational decisions…i mean who wouldn’t want a well mannered southern gentleman such as myself…ok everybody put your hands down…i know yall only hang around me to get closer to onetrik…

honorable mention to –  hates sports, hates hip-hop, hates will ferrell, can’t read above a 7th grade level and is under 25 yrs old…

and in a ubf first, i’m also gonna challenge my partner mr onetrik to drop a deal breaker list of his own…

but we also want to hear from you…what causes you to change his/her name to “do not answer” in the cell…

elrock the incorrigible…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

9 Responses to the dirty dozen…12 ways to fail…

  1. morningjoi says:

    You stop the buck at C cups??? Really? I think you’re short changing yourself by neglecting the Ds, homie…

    Dealbreakers:

    You take yourself too seriously.
    You like to argue/debate just because you like to argue/debate and under-appreciate how well I can hear.
    You spend more time in the mirror than I do.
    You keep a nasty kitchen/bathroom. I just can’t ever stay or eat at your place… ever.
    You think I have too many guy friends. (An impossibility, mind you…)
    You wear jerseys when there’s no game on.
    You rap… for a living.

  2. Miss Einstein says:

    Are we really neglecting the 34DD’s…perfection at its best!

    Deal breakers:

    – When your physical physique does not match your intellectual prowess. If you work on your abs so much please upgrade your reading material as well…XXL and Smooth magazines don’t count
    – Co-sign on the nasty kitchen/bathroom…that’s gross
    – Nail biters…double yuck…this is a reflection of how other areas are tended to
    – Chewing with your mouth open…no kisses or anything will be exchanged if all I can think about is the sight and sound of your lips smacking while you devour a slice of pizza…Cringe

  3. ess que says:

    My pet peeve… if you can’t make the distinction between you’re and your, or their, there, and they’re… a typo or two on twitter (or a blog *cough* elrock) is okay, but repeatedly? TURN OFF!

  4. beazy says:

    *lying…
    *overbearing…i said i was gonna call you back, just because it didn’t happen today doesn’t mean that you have to blow up my phone asking why i’m ignoring you…
    *my name is not boo…especially not after the first date…
    *can’t take a joke
    *wearing net shirts…it’s not in style and it’s definitely not cute
    *not having a backbone…believe in something and take a stand…

  5. Krystal Robinson says:

    I don’t know if I’m offended or just sad about the “D’s” comment..Wow!!!

    Deal breakers:

    Inconsistent
    Liars
    Missing teeth, or even rotten teeth..(If you make more then six figures, you can afford to get your teeth fixed)
    Close-minded
    Impatient, both of us can’t be
    Assholes
    Arrogant
    Polygamist
    If you wear skinny jeans
    If you talk with slang
    Under the age of 31or over the age of 40
    Boring or not spontaneous
    talks about oneself all the time
    has kids
    if you can’t fit in an airplane seat comfortably you’re probably not the one for me…

  6. Soumynona says:

    This place just gets better! Funny stuff right here and Yes, we all are waiting on onetrik’s list.
    – Surprisingly no one mentioned (perhaps bc you don’t really have to) stds. I am a lover of a beautiful smile and passing off your cold sore for a mole is not the bizness. Out of great respect for your audience and viewership, I will refrain from other examples…
    – Health nuts: Seriously, I love a great salad but if you can’t watch me eat my med/rare-barely dead steak then I ‘dgaf’ how good you look…out the door.
    – Criers: I love a good rom/comedy like the next man uh…trying to get some. But don’t cry all the dang on time at every movie, i.e. avatar, Dark Knight, Kings of Comedy) bc to be quite honest, all we are thinking about is…don’t say it, *bending* don’t say it! *You* don’t say it…*over*! There I said it! But it’s true…
    …on a side note, unlike ‘elrock’ I am a lover of all breasts and happen to be an aficionado so for the ladies who are concerned about not fitting into ‘elrock’s’ standards, send your pics to…You know, just to get a second opinion =>

  7. Lynne says:

    OK….seeing that I am not part of this “industry” my deals are and their breakers are structured differently. My handsome hubby of 13 years and I have a more day to day contract to negotiate. And although I will spare you the gory details of this process I would like to say one small thing about elrock’s “cuppage cap”.

    Ladies….how whack is it hear you may have TOO much of a good thing? Well after much though, the “anything larger than Cs” statement may not be as much of an issue as is seems. Is it just me or is elrock pretty old school. Therefore I can’t help but to think he’s talking about a real C cup from back in the day. Not those watered down cup sizes from IttyBittyTittyCity aka Victoria’s Secret and other designers who mislabel actual AA cup as Bs. By time a true C justifiably tries on a C cup in this mockery of undergarment retail outlet, she’s guaranteed to experience an overflow that would make her think she gone through puberty…again…recently. I’m not saying that you buxom chicas aren’t fully aware of what you’re working with. I’m just saying don’t think of the misguided cup sizes of the “City”, because a nice full bodied old school C is QUITE a handful. DON’T COUNT YOUR CUPS OUT!!! :)

  8. Pingback: strippers are your friends… « Us, Bottles, and Friends

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