mama let me upgrade you…

yeah, so we’ve been talking for some weeks…months…let’s just say some time…and now you’re trying to figure out where this is going…we seem to “click” but for some reason, you haven’t been able to transition from “this chick i’m kinda talking to” to the “one”…when asked about it, i garrulously plead the fifth (i say a bunch of ish that doesn’t really make sense which essentially equates to saying nothing at all)…which leaves you diagnosing me with the apt but oft overused commitment phobic condition…but my fear of commitment is only partially to blame…i’m actually not afraid of commitment at all…i’m afraid to commit to you…and i have a bigger fear of telling you the truth…the whole truth…because, quite frankly, i don’t think you can handle it…but if i didn’t, this post would only contain this paragraph and my agent told me that wasn’t good enough so…

the first thing you must understand is once i got use to being single…use to not having another person around, my single life became really easy to maintain…i go where i want, when i want and the only problems i have to worry about are my own…these problems are generally limited to the lack of clean underwear and repetitive losses to some pre-pubescent punk in madden on-line…not exactly shoulder crying situations…i must admit, having you around to baby me during my annual summer cold is pretty cool, but it’s not enough to make up for having to sit through you listing out all the people at your office that you hate, complaining about the weight your gaining (and doing nothing about) and explaining the laws of toilet seat gravity…

to further complicate matters, you must also find a way to unseat your predecessorS…yes with an ‘s’…and i’m not even talking about the emotional satchels left behind by my ex’s…i mean the chicks who currently play the roles you are either unwilling or unable to play…these are the women that share the common interests with me that you don’t…or the ones that are willing to make sexy time with less strings attached (because there are always strings)…or my personal favorite, the one who doesn’t like me enough to try to change me or push for anything serious…

and the final and most important piece…i don’t really like you that much…i mean…you keep me from going to movies by myself and your hair always smells of sweet jasmine…but the thought of you not being around doesn’t exactly leave me looking for ways to manually take my heart rate down to zero…don’t believe me…don’t call or text me for a few days and see if i notice…cancel some plans and see if i try to reschedule…or review the checklist onetrik posted(he doesn’t not like you)…notice anything familiar…

there is no silver bullet to a man’s heart…there are a few bronze ones that i can tell you about some other day…my best advice is to go back and check that “click”-o-meter and make sure it’s really giving you the right reading…

there has to be at least one person who thinks i’m wrong about all of this…please share…the people need to know…

elrock…now look at the time i saved you…

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About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

5 Responses to mama let me upgrade you…

  1. Bunny says:

    So what does this post have to do with its title?

    • absolutely nothing…i just wanted to use that beyonce pic…orrr…it just gives the illusion that there is some magic potion buried in the post that gets one moved from side piece to main course…i guess you could call that an upgrade…but the disappointing conclusion is if it was going to happen, it probably would’ve happened already…or something like that…

  2. morningjoi says:

    so why not just stop dating? don’t even play the game, especially since you have so many predecessorS to hold it down…

    • i often ask myself that same question…it definitely gets expensive, but i heard this song about this thing called love and they made it sound pretty positive…so i decided i’d try to search it out…guess it’s that dora the explorer in me…no pedo…

  3. jennifer zdaniuk says:

    Brilliant, this should be included in every mother/father’s “special talk” they have with their little girls about puberty, sex, etc. if not added to the shelf with those BS fairy tales they read the poor dears every night before bed filling their heads with confusion, you know just to balance out the BS.

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