when cougars attack…

cougar attacks are becoming more and more prevalent in america’s major metropolitan cities…this article provides detail on one recent near attack in the city of atlanta…

the unsuspecting elrock wandered into the venue with his pack in search of a light dinner and a partial-life mating partner…feeling parched, he carefully approached the bar for some aged cognac…unwittingly, his every move was being tracked by a wily cougar in the other corner of the room…not knowing he was in danger the elrock took his time placing his order…even hung around to crack a few jokes with other like minded indivduals in the bar area…as he turned to head back to the pack he inadvertently made eye contact with the cougar who had moved into pounce position…realizing he was in imminent danger he attempted a quick direction change, but to no avail…she was on him like a…well…a cougar…in this moment the elrock knew that his evening was in jeopardy…one false move and his freedom could end up firmly implanted in the jaws of this trained erectile killer…she started toying with the elrock…first by telling him that she knew him from somewhere; a very common cougar tactic…she then yanked the elrock closer as innocent party goers looked on in fear and amazement…she asked if he was into martial arts, cleaning carpets or building furniture(seriously, who asks someone if they do any of those three let alone all of them in one sentence)…possibly trying to test the strength of the young mammals back…he shook his head at all three very slowly to 1) make sure the cougar knew he wasn’t an indentured servant looking for work and 2) to search the room for any possible outs…he noticed the restrooms in the corner and told the cougar that even though he had only taken 2.4 sips of the aforementioned cognac…it was time for him to go to the “little grown men who are afraid of getting mauled by cougars” room…she agreed but in a last ditch effort to maintain contact with the elrock, the cougar reached into her purse…the elrock readied his mouth for some hard candy as he was sure that’s what she was searching for…but to everyone’s surprise…her hand emerged with a business card…she then instructed the elrock to give HER a call if HE ever figured out where SHE knew HIM from (yeah…read that again)…the elrock then sprinted off… it was a cougar heartbreak…he paused for a second while panting heavily over the bathroom sink…he knew that he had narrowly escaped unattached sex and random expensive gifts…wait…where did i put that card…

i can’t be the only one with a similar tale…let me hear some of your cougar/sugar daddy stories…

elrock the survivor…


About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to when cougars attack…

  1. Tolu says:

    pure comedy!!!!

  2. soumynona says:

    Referred here by a pal…for the sake of confidentiality…at any rate, the cougar phenomenon is all too real and I’m happy you survived. I haven’t been so lucky. Let’s just say “conferences out of town” must mean cougar bait in greek or something. Actually even in town conferences but my best STORY (relative pun intended) occurred at a National conference in said state that rhymes with Camby (ok, there’s actually no rhyme there but those that know a little about M. Camby prob have an idea which state held the conference). The catamount perched on her wall after the first of many sessions. Sure she knew I was looking at her while on the inside but every guy likes to look at all the young pu…I’ll just say cats, during the first few sessions. Big cats know this so they have to set more elaborate traps. If they can get you away from the group, you are obviously easier prey. Well, all the young(er) – mid 20s at the time – people kind of hung together, walked to lunch and dinner together, talked about their significant others together (this was mostly a question posed by fellas to see who really is game, although unless your man (pronounced mane) is there like right there, you still will get hollered at, blah blah blah. So, back to the catamount on her perch…this Very attractive older (than us) woman rapidly approaching 40 is wearing a dress that happens to accentuate all the right curves the ‘de(b)il’ himself made (he was an angel too you know, LOL). She is sitting alone after lunch and the group rushed to the next session whilst your boy was not too much in a hurry to return to sitting in a room listening to concepts and ideas I have already mastered (this is my train of thought at the time). In hindsight, I realize this is a plan of the conference cougar – divide and conquer. Feeling myself, because I thought I had game, I approached the purring puma, perched on a park bench (I had to continue the alliteration, we weren’t in a park). Next thing I know, we are hanging out (not with the group) throughout the entire conference. She tells me she’s in a relationship but I ‘remind her of someone she used to date’ (gassing my head like some type of slow acting paralytic). That night the group went to a pool hall. Now, I thought (still think this way) I was hot ish on the sticks so I’m thinking here’s my chance to ‘learn’ this lady a few things while impressing the other girls too. (Note: cougars are great at all the guy ish i.e. bowling, pool, darts, drinking, looking at girls, strip clubs, the whole nine). She lets me break “because she’s rusty” and instantly I’m up solids. She nonchalantly comes around and grabs my “other” pool stick and I lose focus like a post game interview with Artest – say Queensbridge cougar, come on say it!” I can’t hit shi-ite like poorly planned attacks by the sunni in Iraq. After wards she goes on and clears the table of stripes and before corner pocketing the 8, she bends over and says I’m beginning to wonder if you can hit anything tonight. It was on…The following year at the same conference my nose is open but the cougar had moved on to different prey. I felt so used…but hell, that was like the 3rd cougar I had fallen for. I think I watch too much National Geographic

  3. Reiya says:

    Keep the tales coming, cubs! I’m taking notes for my next hunt.

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