i’m not intimidated…i’m afraid you’ll pee on me…

Elrock’s post reminded me of an experience with one of those scary females.

Before I start, this is not a joke. I only wish I could make something like this up.

On this lucky night, I was joined at the spot by elrock (I know surprise) and lil elrock (aka his sister). We were about 72% through our first drink when we were approached by a female who appeared to know elrock. After the standard introductory “Hey, Long time no talk, How are you?, I’m good.”, She then introduced herself to lil elrock and me.

(Akward situation entering stage left)

After shaking hands, she proceeds to tell me that I must be able to fuck….I’ll pause as you re-read that.

Yeah I was 3x as surprised when it happened as you are right now. Let’s examine this: 1) Who says that on the first introduction? 2) As “flattered” as that can make you feel, I’ve seen no recent studies linking handshaking to sexual relations. Now masturbation…maybe…but I digress. 3) Who says that on the first introduction? She then tells me she had a tingle go down her back and wants me to do it again. Then she invites her girl over to experience for herself. She seriously says “Girl come over here and shake his hand.” And her girl has the same reaction. At this point, I start looking for @aplusk or some type of camera because they have to be making a joke. No cameras…

She then looks at lil elrock and asks if she is with me or as she eloquently worded it “Girl is that you?” Lil elrock helps the situation by saying no and moving out of the way so said female can get closer to me. The rest of the conversation was a little hazy as I could not focus while looking for the closest exit. But I’ll give you a few of the highlights (lowlights for me personally):
+ She asks if she can dance with me tonight. I reply that I’m too old to dance. I had to say something. She then says that it is ok because she just wants to grind on me.
+ She then tells me that she wants to put her scent on me so that no other women talk to me.
+ She takes this idea even further to suggest that she will pee on me to ensure that I am hers. Including the action of wrapping her leg around mine to simulate the promised peeing.
+ She spends the next 5 minutes feeling various parts of my body. It didn’t help I was stuck between her and a wall. Don’t worry I protected the family jewels.

As you can see, I was a little uncomfortable with the situation. I attempted to laugh my way out of it as it had to be a joke but it was not. So I did what any guy would do in this situation…I ran…I’m talking about Chris-Johnson-no-one-can-catch-me running. I went to the bathroom hoping she would find another target in my absence. NOPE. She even asked elrock where “her man” went. I tried to go get a drink and post at the bar and blend in with the rest of the “celebrities.” This move actually worked but was risky in hindsight. I probably should have remained completely sober in dealing with the situation. She bounced around the club for the next 20 minutes or so before leaving and allowing me to enjoy the night without looking over my shoulder. I did however take an alternate route home in case I was being followed.

No Joke.



About usbottlesandfriends
The tales of unpredictable truths from those guys your mom warned you about.

4 Responses to i’m not intimidated…i’m afraid you’ll pee on me…

  1. Stacia says:

    LOL!!! Cousin…I am so sorry that happened to you. Wow….no words, except to say that I always believed the four-legged types were the only ones who mark their territories. Maybe she’s mixed with cat, in which case I’d definitely say you were right to run. You were a brave man just to stay in the building. Great blog site….thanks for the invite!

  2. A...H... says:

    Wow…thats crazy!!! I had the exact same reaction when i met you on the beach in Miami…but since i was already in the water…i went ahead and pee’d…

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