how to escape sack whackness…

i believe we’ve reached the point in our blog/blog reader relationship where we can start having the tough conversations…and as anyone that has ever had a tough conversation knows, this means you’ve probably done something wrong…and today’s offense is being less than stellar in the space between the flat and fitted sheets…

now if your first response was a silent mental denial, you should still continue to read because you are most likely the worst offender…

producing sub-par sexy time is actually another one of those instances where we fellows have the most practice upper hand…meaning, we have pretty clear indications that the performance we just turned in was less than award worthy… like the absence of leg twitching, the presence of a stern look of disappointment post dismount or an updated facebook status that reads “well that was a waste of 6 minutes” …

inside lolita’s locker room…

I had the pleasure of meeting up with some old friends this week for some no holds barred, candid conversation.  It was during this time that I was informed that  I might not be like everyone else.  I keep trying to sell myself as the everyday chic with a few anomalies that hopefully make me more attractive. In actuality, I might be the everyday 13 year old boy with grown woman packaging. So I pose the question to my readers at UBF: is my ability to sporadically get inside the male mind a gift or a sign that maybe I am one? According to my friends, male and female alike, I tread a fine line. Apparently I have the whims of a female and the fancies of a man. I disagree. What do you think?

In my opinion, the only difference between my female counterparts and me is that maybe I’m just a bit LOUDER.  So my opinions may come off as stronger, more polarizing, less sanitized and bolder. I might be the Naga Viper Pepper of your Hot peppers. But, I’m still a pepper! Right???  Below is random offering of what I REALLY think and have shared with my friends- in no particular order or inter-list relevance. You tell me- am I alone? Ladies: Isn’t this what you are REALLY thinking too? Sometimes? No?

how old…

Once we begin dating people who are no longer wearing a letter jacket with their graduation year in plain sight, there is a common question we find ourselves asking:

How old is she?

As nice of a guy as that ‘to catch a predator’ host seems to be when he offers you a chair, the police force awaiting you outside can definitely be a buzz kill on top of your realization she wasn’t able to vote…or drive…or see that PG-13 movie…but I guess that is what you get for still being in those AOL chat rooms. But this isn’t about Law & Order SVU today.

All of us have some type of age range that we consider acceptable for potential bunk mates. If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard “I don’t date guys under 30” or “I don’t date women over 25”, I’d need about $0.15 for a bottled water as I make it a habit to stop listening to people when they tell me things they don’t do. But based on reality dating shows and all those romcoms that have been forced on me over the years, I’m assuming age plays a role in determining compatibility.

Now I don’t really see a problem with this at the theoretical level, but where it breaks down is in what age you are actually evaluating. Most of you probably base a potential mate’s age on their DOB…you silly daters…

why buy the cow when the milk is so expensive…

i’m assuming that at some point in the history of the world some utter pilfering dairy pirate asked “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” let’s face it…even those among us who are intolerant of lactose still like free ish… this question’s meaning was somehow altered by concerned mothers and fathers in a way that allowed them to instill fear into the no-no’s of their beloved daughters…but then those daughters met mr. kinda right and the milk donations ensued…

while in another part of the world, this other farmer, with a little help from a few friends, penned another 66 chapter page turner mentioning the imminent danger that awaited anyone that chose to engage in pre-marital milking…wait a minute…that wasn’t a farmer at all…it was actually god…the creator of all milk, cows and duckbill platypuses (which i find oddly amusing)…

cut to the chase…

By now , we have all read Elrock’s version of why chasing a man is never a good look.  Now I would like to give my two cents. While I normally relish the idea of giving an opposing and better equally convincing argument against the testosterone heavy portion of UBF, I will begrudgingly have to agree. And pass on my nuggets of observation while I’m at it.

I think Elrock said it best with: “and for the record…patiently waiting for someone who is not interested in being patiently waited on = chasing as well…”

This past Saturday, I was at the club with the latest and greatest for a friend’s birthday party when suddenly, that single woman’s “anthem” came on. Booties started swangin, hands went up, index fingers waved in the air….desperately unattached and more importantly, the ever hopeful ‘ladies in waiting’ sang to the top of their lungs “If he liked it than he shoulda put a ring on it!!!” Have I ever mentioned how much I hate that song? Meanwhile, I boycotted the entire effort with side eyes and screw faces (no- not sexy time faces. Get your minds out of the gutter. Just a screw face ;) Anyway, this song made me painfully aware of the fact that many women are chasing men and don’t even realize it.

the waiting game…

The avid ubf readers witnessed elrock breakdown the sexy time partner number game last week. If you missed it, do your future relationship a favor and give it a quick read.

Today I’m kicking off the week with an unbiased (but slightly inebriated) take on a different game, the how long you should wait before adding one to your total to ensure a happily ever after with the current flavor of the week. Unfortunately fellas this post is strictly for the ladies and I apologize ahead of time for any of your newly met sweet thangs that decide to heed my advice. For those independent ladies working the J-O-B but sneaking a little ubf on the side, here is the quick answer:

Take the longest amount of time you think you can keep from playing ‘johnson hide and go seek’ and add a week.

Now for the dedicated ubf fam looking for a reason to get fired and wishing there boss would ask them what they are doing, here is the reasoning behind that logic…

what’s in a number…

it’s the question that everyone dreads…so much so that it’s pushed so far down on the dating questionnaire that most couples don’t get to it until they’re already sharing closet space and awkward silence…that’s if they get to it at all…

how many people have you slept with…

yeah i know…gasp and swoon…

your forehead moistened just thinking about the next time you might have to answer…the fellows are trying to figure out if slow winding on a chick with a run in her tights means you can add one, while the ladies are trying to figure out if mr.  9 pump can be excluded…the answer is no in both cases…

now that  you’re both thoroughly disappointed, i’d like to raise your spirits by providing this foolproof scientific method to determine the tread on your potential boonopolis’ privates….thus giving you the ability to hurdle this question forever…

speed dating…

For inspiration here at UBF, we often draw on drinking a variety of different sources.  One of my favorites is a well known financial chat room disguised as ‘work’ where a group of men people in finance are allegedly discussing stocks and bonds. Invariably, the discussions always deviate to women relationships. Today, I asked one of my favorite financial gigolos chatters what the topic of the day was. He asked me to write about why minority women think it’s ok to be fat under the guise as “thick”.  This answer garnered him the ultimate side eye from me.

In lieu of that offensive theme, discussion topic two was why women are in such a hurry to go from “Hi- nice to meet you” to “This is my soul mate”. I found this one particularly interesting as I shamefully admit to being guilty of this in a previous life. Having gone from wistfully seeking a lifetime companion to the complete opposite of not even wanting to think past next week, I believe I am in the unique position of seeing both sides of the coin.

and the role of the wing will be played by…

We’ll be taking a break from the usual ubf perspective on all things you should stop doing, start doing or do horizontally related to the dating game. Instead I’m going to bring you into one of my recent nights of randomness.

On this particular evening, I stepped out for a drink with one of the homiettes I hadn’t seen in a while. While we caught up on the latest happenings in each other’s lives, we noticed a guy on his dolo right next to us. Given our similar levels of melanin in the ‘we are the world’ bar, he felt comfortable enough to pop in and out of our conversation sporadically but mainly kept a drink in his hand and his eyes on the door. Once I realized he wasn’t going to be robbing the place, I assumed his eventual company was running on a little cpt.

Fast forward 30 minutes or so and two females greet him with the standard full frontal hug displaying their knowledge of each other’s existence prior to this meeting (not relevant to this story but anytime you can type full frontal you go for it…right?). The homiette and I continue to converse in what has now become the black section of the bar.

Then the randomness begins…

i don’t usually do this but…keep the party going…

on the day after we celebrated the legacy of one of the most transformative figures in american history, i thought it only right that i spend today’s post talking about something totally unrelated…

last week, lolita sent shock waves through the 30+ party crowd as she took on o.p.p….old people partying…and because of this, many of you spent this long weekend tucking your mustard hued steve harvey suits a little deeper into your closet while contemplating a fatal jump off of a combo stack of high school yearbooks and school diplomas…

i ask you sirs, please step away from that cross-coloured high top faded portfolio…all is not lost…as much as we love to lead you to the cliff with our prologues about your problems, we also enjoy snatching you back with some simple solutions…that being said, i’m here today to show you how your party life should evolve…